POEM: Crossing the Bridge

poem: crossing the bridge

I can't stay here; standing alone in the dark
Patiently weathering the winds of indecision
When I know I will stay warm
By just walking on toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Patiently I speak to the wind and don't expect to control the clouds.
And I hear the voice of Wisdom and feel a warmth coming from the Unknown compelling toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Wisdom gives me comfort to laugh with the Unknown and
Feel the warmth of uncertainty
And the surprise that I am not alone as
I'm crossing the bridge.

JNET

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Copyright ©2010 J R Hollyday

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

no good deed goes unpunished

Everything happens for a reason. And though some things are really terrible; there are some truly wonderful things happening as well.

I'm very sad, I'm devastated, I'm disappointed, I'm shocked. On the other side, I am not saddled by another person's weakness, I'm am free and strong on my own. I am not being manipulated by compliments nor reaped by another's needy fears and my life is stable enough to write and reflect. And I am able to take stock of what is good and honest in my life without distraction

I'm feeling a mix of emotions and I feel restless... almost like I am anticipating something but I am not sure what to expect. It is an interesting place to sit where I juxtapose hope and hurt.

I'm a dopamine tornado inside.

Fortunately, I can't be swept by any of it. My leisure reading is "How We Decide" by author Johah Lehrer. He wrote another book titled "Proust Was A Neuroscientist."

I indulged my tears. Now its time to fortify and rebuild my broken kingdom after the looters have laughed and left. I've been made sport of in typical los angeles fashion.

I can only imagine the kind of misery that must fester in CS and her friends. I used to think well of CS. Its getting harder to think well of her "innocent" friends.

My friends have been very supportive and responsive saying that it is unfortunate but true that there are very bad people looking to taking advantage of the generous spirit of others. If you want to read on the psychology of how victims attack those that try to help them, I've found an article by Dr. Sanity on blogtalk radio very helpful and comforting.

Who am I to help someone think that there is still good on this planet? Some people are so twisted that they feel entitled to help and only on their terms. I'm not one to enable dysfunctional behavior. I'm a teacher and a teacher of the arts; my life work is to teach people to express themselves beautifully and honestly and with an authentic voice.

I am aware that people have their baggage; their worries; their stuff and have coached my students to work beyond that and create wonderful work. But my students pay for my coaching and I am respected for my work.

Helping a "friend" is another thing. I now know that I never had a friend if basic human decency is aborted when I tried to make a stand for myself and instead is shown ingratitude and malice. My help was not a gift to her but rather something she felt entitled to. She felt no need to keep my friendship when my help was no longer on her terms.

I contacted one person in her family that I thought might be able to help her from creating any further damage. I asked them - "Isn't betraying a friend in this dimension and breadth something to consider that all is not right with her world?"

I grew up valuing personal responsibility. It is empowering to own and win one's life over the daily trials. But knowing one person who would throw away personal responsibility, I've found a world of others connected to her that also throw away personal responsibility. The conversations have been discouraging and uninspiring. I am present to weakness.... so much brokenness.

How to act out of love and wisdom is difficult when you are faced with persons who act out of pretense or pathology. There are many who choose to live an unexamined life.

I suppose I need to keep a safe distance from people who feel that way as I rebuild jnetsworld.

JNET

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Being Strong Was Not Easy Today

being strong was not easy today

I could not find a way to console myself today. All the thoughts that I enjoyed in peace and solitude that seemed to hold me together scattered into different directions. Being strong was not easy today.

I sat with my disappointments over false friends. I chided myself for being too forgiving and wanting to believe that people do want to do good. I sat with the fact that my world had been breached by “nice people” who twisted friendship with smiles and flattery but were at a deficit. They needed a safe place to recoup as long as their needs and actions remain unquestioned.

I asked questions. I asked kindly. I said things like… I can afford to love you… but I cannot afford to pay for your life when I needed a friend/roommate to stop needing me to catch her. And I offered her to stay for free in my home… but that I needed to rent the room so that I can have order in my home. And what does my friend do?

She contacted all our mutual friends to vilify me and attempt to slander my reputation. She and her boyfriend evoked the name of God in self-righteous texts and then threatened to go through whatever legal process they could to make sure that I lose my apartment that I’ve been living in since I’ve moved to Los Angeles. She reminded me that it was illegal to sublet to a friend (the building manager knew as well as the property owners were aware). Nonetheless, I found her words unexpectedly mean, threatening and non-christian.

Why? She was a friend that I thought I was being helpful to. I knew she was going through trouble and then she was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. Thankfully, she was okay to walk away. She continued to want to build her life and I thought that was admirable. I loaned her my car to help her get to her doctors appointments. But money…. the rent… she needed subsidizing and I wasn’t in the position to take care of her and myself comfortably.

I asked questions. And the main one of when did she expect the settlements to pay her so that she can truly say her life is in the up and up…. didn’t get answered.

She didn’t want to pay, nor ever planned to, therefore, she scripted a random blow up on an unsuspecting Saturday afternoon, to make an exit.

So today, I sat with the feeling you get when someone you love is someone that never had much love or respect for you in the first place.. I sat with the feeling you get when someone you wanted to give a chance to make good on promises and thanks for your goodwill - instead chooses to insult you and threaten to harm and creates ways to undermine you. I sat with the sadness that comes at seeing that there are betrayals because some people have a history of cutting people off because they aren’t creative enough to be honest or kind and cruelty and apathy is easier for them.

I sat with a sadness that weighed so much that I couldn’t breathe when I gave it a voice and confided my disappointment to a friend.

It was the first time I allowed myself to cry over it since it happened in April. I will not cry over it again. It is midsummer and my “friend” has not returned or made any attempt to reconcile what she has done.

This is the first time I’ve made any mention toward details. I suppose I was hopeful that she would come up with a really cool way to say that she had been un cool and make up for her transgressions. Thank me for protecting her secrets and troubles and saw that I only mentioned something when her life was actually harming me.

How absolutely nonsense of me to think. Huh? I like making room for miracles. As for this last and lost friendship… I am no longer inspired.

I cried for the first time today over it. And now….I’m done.

JNET

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your heart versus your mind

your heart versus your mind

Its the fight of the century.. its all you.. and everyone else is fighting the same battle.

Thing is… its a myth… something to dream up to make life a certain flavor. It brings in prepackaged confusion, frustration and indecision. It romanticizes betrayals and reckless actions and non-actions. Pitting your heart and mind against the other makes you too tired to notice that it digs holes that will only bury you.

Why hadn’t you considered that your heart would be lost without paths your mind illuminates? What hadn’t you considered that your mind would be lost without a heart that intuitively knows so many truths in a glance, can feel itself out from the darkness, know answers in a flash having logged your countless experiences of joy and sadness to know when to throw winning passes under the pressure of the moment.

Maybe you would be in awe of your humanity… to be able to think and to feel… and to intend… between deliberate thought and the spontaneous feeling of the moment for ready answers… if you considered your brilliant design of wise heart and wise mind.

JNET

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Thinking in the Future Tense

thinking in the future tense

I almost stepped down from performing a keynote address at Toastmasters last night. I had written a commencement speech to my alma mater’s graduates… class of 2020. Assignment #2 from the “Professional Speakers” advanced toastmaster manual… present an inspirational speech to a specific group of people… speech must be 15 – 20 minutes (more if its okay with the club).

I listened and studied several commencement speeches as well as read transcriptions on well stumbled graduation speeches and was feeling well inspired to write one myself when my computer crashed. It began earlier in the week with a tiny crash which I easily sorted out but computer issues gradually grew into a larger problem that attention to writing my speech was compromised.

All my bookmarked references sat in my fainting computer while I tried to reincarnate my ideas using a friends computer. I really struggled with getting my second wind while I had too many oops moments while trying to navigate myself on an unfamiliar computer. I had to keep pressing forward, I had afterall, written a speech on overcoming challenges and taking a powerful stance in life. It seemed obvious that I had to at least have a go at my presentation despite not having my thoughts as organized as I had liked.

I received good comments and critiques specifically on voice variety and am glad that I showed up to doing the speech anyway. It is also interesting to write a speech to the graduating class of your alma mater. You have to think of yourself in the future tense and consider that you’ve created your success thus making you worthy of being called on for your opinions and wisdoms on living and getting on with grown up life.

Not only did I have the mind spin of thinking of myself in that future tense and then begin the writing exercise of creating the speech, I also had the mind spin of having a lot go wrong on the technical side of things. I had a moment where I felt so wounded when I wanted to remember those perfect quotes and streams of thought that existed as bookmarks stuck in my computer.

Since the speech demanded that I get out of my head and get in that future head instead, I managed almost 9 minutes in front of everyone and presented a decent representation of what I really wanted to present.

I signed up to speak at the next meeting to have another go. I want to expand this interesting game… of speaking before a crowd as your future self.

JNET

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At Hearts Length

at heart’s length

Just two notes. Pianissimo. Make it sound like bells that ring in the still of the night. A melody rises in the right hand, accenting the highest points of a phrase. The melody then moves to the left hand, the bass ritardandos to a resolution. And it reminds me of those moments when I spy the moon and have a quiet conversation with the sky.

53 measures away I arrive to a new world. I leave the bells, the long tones, the quarter notes and block chords. A vamp of sixteenth notes sets me up to a dance; flamenco. Accents of energy and passion, dynamics with staccato demands open to marcato phrases and the build accellerates to a tremolo finally at measure 133. Finally… because this section makes me wish I had bigger hands. This is where my dance feels wild. I land the chords through good fortune. I’m not sure how to love this particular section. Its exhilarating and accidental if it do it well… at least for now. Its a nice place to play from unfettered instinct. Thankfully, the tremolos are redeeming.

The first tremolo phrase is fortissimo for four measures and then answered by four more measures but this time in pianissimo and eight measures send me into a transition where a lot of energy crescendos into measure 149….

Tranquillo… back to the bells. Back to section A and B but this time reminiscing a memory…

Andres_Segovia – Tog_-_09_- Cordoba_Albeniz.mp3

And what memory is that?

It’s a piece that makes me think of how it feels to be in love. It’s playful, its demanding yet so meditative with a shot of adrenaline.

Now how would life sound to you if you danced with every measure? How would life sound if you were so captivated by the moment? What does it take to become part of the music? How clearly do you hear your song? Are you at heart’s length?

A thought from the piano bench…

JNET

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Another 24 Hours of Silence

another 24 hours of silence

M: “You spent your Friday night alone, cousin?”

JNET: “I played the piano, made a nice dinner for myself, lit the candles, poured myself a glass of wine and enjoyed some sanity.”

I’ve just spent the last month side-stepping mad trains of thought from people that “felt” noisy ; too excitable or emotional. Perhaps they were responding to the open space that resulted in my own theatre of life and felt that the stage needed some “color and sound.”

I closed the stage off. There is only one chair, one mic and one light. And that chair is for me.

Stretching to find my voice again, distilling myself from imposing persons and personalities. …

Returning from the silence….

JNET

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to my favorite nut

happy birthday pistachio

25 random things about JNET

25 random things about JNET

Consider doing this… its a good introspective exercise.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I don’t know how to change a diaper. I think I’ve fed a baby once (my niece).

2. I’ve slept with a night light or with a lamp on for most of my life. Now, I just light tea lights and sleep with a sleep mask.

3. I love being a piano teacher and yes, just about all of my students practice. It makes me terribly disappointed and frustrated when they don’t practice – but they think its cute how I get upset. I don’t feel cute when I am upset. Being patient is an art form. Some days I don’t feel so artistically “patient”.

4. When I get very upset or stressed or sick, I faint. I try not to get to that point. It’s embarrassing.

5. JNET food corner: Doughnuts and beer. (try it – you’ll be surprised)… Ice cream and french fries (OMG) Many of my close friends can attest to this. I’ve taken Krispy Kreme to a pub and I’ve taken fries to an ice cream parlor. OOOHHH… and rice gives me the hiccups…

6. I don’t have a single childhood friend because I’ve moved so much. (Military brat) CVHS was the first place I spent more than 2 years without major interruption. All the friends I had during childhood were family and navy” family”. We knew and lived that love had nothing to do with convenience and circumstance having loved ones away most of our lives. Love is a powerful choice that doesn’t sway with emotions and surpasses circumstance and distance

....at least that’s what I came away with from childhood.

7. I am extremely protective of my family and friends and enjoy the world I build with them. Love and loyalty connects us. Anyone who is questionable in character finds themselves at the end of the long table.

8. I collect people who are honest and generous and have skills in diplomacy that I think collectively we can save the world with our individual projects and respective lives.

9. My father passed away when I was little and my mother has always been an extremely independent and strong woman. I still have trouble wondering what to do with a man as a permanent fixture in my home. Fortunately, this hasn’t prevented great men from blessing my life and becoming permanent fixtures despite myself.

10. I adore the two most important men in my life; my brothers who are admirable examples of loving, hard-working, honest gentlemen. They’ve set the bar high. Another reason why I am picky. The male friends I keep in my circle are wonderful though. You’re extra special if you’ve met my brothers.

11. My dad put boxing gloves on me when I was 5. I own a pair of pink ones today as a tribute to him.

12. I don’t own a television and I’ve never owned one since I left home. I hated competing against it when practicing the piano while growing up. I’ve had countless people offer to give me televisions. They only reason I would consider having one now is so that I can play Rock Band.

13. Even though I’ve been dancing since I was 5, performed in show choirs and dance with KNL, pirouettes make me ill. I used to be able to do floorwork with pleasure but somewhere between high school and now, I developed an upset of motion and heights. I am working on this. I can do double turns in salsa though… as long as my partner doesn’t let go :)

14. My upset over motion and heights got so bad that I got ill on swivel chairs and climbing spiral stairs. While in England I noticed the grannies overtaking me up the cathedral stairs and I was hyper-ventilating, I decided the best way to snap myself out of my fear was to go skydiving. I haven’t been afraid of heights since. Still need to work on the pirouettes.

15. For someone that gets dizzy in a swivel chair, I don’t mind driving a car at 120mph.

16. I drive a VW bug because I feel like a speed demon at 60mph. Its also fun. A white, pretty 78′ convertible (that’s worth a double slug bug punch). My favorite teacher from 4th grade, Ms Cameron, incidentally also drove a white VW.

17. I am not a strong swimmer. But give me a life jacket or raft, I’ll go.

18. I love being alone. My best memories are of moments in solitude. I am never lonely and therefore never felt anything amiss while enjoying my own company. But I always welcome hellos from friends and family.

19. This is the first year that I am considering building a relationship seriously and breaking my ascetic sensibility. I think driving a car at 120mph is easier.

20. I have always chosen to live in places that is west facing, sunny and with a view of trees or a large garden estate. The last place I lived was facing the Fens Rose Garden and the Boston Museum of art. I had a gorgeous magnolia tree outside my window and a bag piper played at sunset during the summer. If you think where I live is incredible… wait til you see where I live next. I don’t know where that will be… but I know it will be beautiful.

21. I blogged for a couple of years before letting anyone know that I write. Writing makes me feel sane where music notes are not enough.

22. I know how to aim well with a rifle or shotgun. I took a training with LAPD instructors. They told me if I continued practicing, I’d make a good sniper.

23. Pajamas. My favorite apparel. I’ve rocked them out in public on a dare.. jewelry and high heels. I’ll probably be wearing them when my friends come by with their final respects (at my funeral).

24. I love sequence. I mean… I REALLY love sequence. If we haven’t played together yet nor made a meal together, then we are not close close friends yet. Don’t worry if we haven’t played a boardgame and shared a meal though. It takes time to build a friendship.

No rush.

:)We should play a round of sequence soon though… !

25. Lastly… I love animals but I am allergic to them :( I want to have a pair of kittens someday… maybe a puppy and bunny too.I already have names chosen for them.

JNET

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