jnetsworld

have you had a sandwich come at you at 50mph?

2011-05-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

A story on perspective…. shared to me from a friend of mine who was enjoying a sunny day drive when all of a sudden someone decided to discard their sandwich out their car window. To that person in the car, they had a sandwich they no longer cared for and perhaps figured that it was biodegradable enough for the environment to absorb, but for the motorcyclist driving behind, he barely had a moment to brace himself from a flying hoagy making impact within seconds.

Some people are careless… and some people are downright CARE-LESS.

The friend of mine is a motorcyclist. He’s a serious biker who makes a living as a biker. He’s on magazine covers. He teaches kids to bike. He also races cars. He told me that a sandwich coming at you at 50+mph is nothing short of preparing for a torpedo hit. He not only had to consider how to protect himself from someone’s carelessness but also hope to not injure anyone else.

Hello rugged angels, I’ve disappeared for a good amount of time. I’ve not only missed writing; I’ve missed myself lately.

I have unfortunately been hit by a few sandwiches that I had not the time to brace myself for. As for the insensitive drivers on my highway of life, their myopic perspective and carelessness earned that their jnetsworld licenses be revoked.

I’ve sat with myself and considered if it is critical of me to put out people that are “nice” but do not engender strengthening trust and security. Are we not supposed to have friends that we are close to, friends that we work with, and friends that we have fun with? What? Do you mean it is acceptable to humor time and energy to people with varying levels of shallowness and think in the back of one’s mind “Oh they are not a real friend and I am not their real friend either.”

When trust is put on a false pretense, its only a matter of time before a sandwich comes a-flying.

If I come from a family that has set a standard to be honorable and your word, if I have professional friendships and relationships that thrive on a code of ethics stemming from what I’ve been raised by…. why should I open a place for risk by continuing with friendships that mark themselves as questionable?

I have a world I care about, a family full of love, many good friends not afraid to make a stand or make a fortress about me and students and their families as well as many colleagues that make my world full of wonder, fun and creativity to continue growing as well as to protect.

Even if I had a tiny family and jnetsworld was small I would protect it and want the best for it.

We live in a world that values quantity over quality. We live in a world that likes to see numbers go high but not equate value to the numbers. That my dear rugged angels is not a good and clear vision of what is real in the world … and it only takes one sandwich traveling at 50mph and a careless person to put you in danger.

This is JNET, your negativity slayer, in recovery, on the mend… alive… saying hello again to the many rugged angels out there working on creating the best and most beautiful world possible not only for yourself but for the young people who learn from watching you and for those that keep you close to their heart, count on you and call you friend.

JNET

DANCE: Thanksliving on a Teacup Ride

2010-11-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

I attended my dance company's 20th anniversary performance and celebration last night - as an audience member. I hadn't done that since before I joined them several years ago.

I missed the stage but I appreciated loving KNL from the house; to be entralled with the audience and see what I've missed in being a performer.

What did I see as a performer? A world of rehearsals; counting counting counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ,8, memorizing choreography before dancing to the sound of music - a world where understanding the director's vision came in fragments and you were simply inspired by their spirit. A world of discipline, where commiting time and body demanded saying nos and not yets to create the focus and energy to manage practice inside and outside of rehearsals. Costumes, make-up, quick changes, entrances, exits; being a part of an ensemble, riding the adrenaline rush, bright lights, applause.

That's the fun part.

To perform taps into passion and trust; its transformational. And it feels tremendous because of the worthy sacrifices you made. Demanding an ego to not flinch when mistakes were made and remain gracious and focused on a vision despite frustrations in working to get things perfect.

What did I see as an audience member? I was able to see the complete story and imagination that expanded beyond music and choreography. I was able to enjoy a story unfold before my eyes weaving the art of light design and multi-media; showing me how beautiful and expansive was the vision that I sensed in spirit but never fully saw with my eyes how the dance pieces were tied together. I was moved to tears and found that I was not the only one caught up. There were so many people riding the waves of emotion of sight and sound with me. A community was created.

As an audience member I saw the captivating big picture that created a world to relate and participate with and not just be a spectator. As a performer I experienced the captivating spirit that transformed me to be beyond myself; I trusted the spirit of a vision.

It was beautiful.

But there is also a back story where I was also performer, audience member AND director and that is the story of why I wasn't dancing at this special performance and why I was sitting alone. This amazing back story I will save for tomorrow.

JNET

Leaving Politics to the Politicians

2010-11-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

I voted this past election and found that a good deal of people I asked hadn't even registered to vote. Ever. Several blamed the onslaught of mudslinging adverts for cheesing them off voting and that somehow not voting kept their hands clean.

I was shocked for a little bit. How does one manage to live absolutely trusting that the minority of eligible voters, 41%, showing up to vote will represent a democratic society?

Are we absolutely trusting and confident over our policy makers that we don't need to show up and be "redundant" with our vote? No.

It's worst. And its not voter apathy. If one is truly apathetic about the way society and how policy affects it, then one would be indifferent and have no worries and concerns.

We're learning to complain and not act. Acting helpless while complaining is becoming the new human tribe activity. Meanwhile we have congress representatives fighting on the platform for a mostly silent stay-on-the-couch-and-complain "constituency" who did not bother to vote.

Voting is now below 50%. With people complaining about uncertain futures it boggles me that they don't care for "politics" and yesterday when I chose to share links on the TSA's direction of security, I got grief for being "uptight" for sharing information.

I wasn't coming from a place that was complaining. I thought it would be useful to know what with the holidays coming that you might be randomly selected for the "scanner" which is being discussed as questionable by scientists. I have yet to talk to a radiologist friend about it. But in general, I thought, most people know that x-rays are not good for you. I've had x-rays taken before. Usually the technician LEAVES the room before pushing the button.

They are not good for pregnant women, small children, people who are already fighting cancer and the elderly.

If you choose to opt-out of the scanner which makes Superman perverts out of the TSA security people because it dresses you down and takes an image, then you must subject yourself to a pat down where you will be touched about in search of hidden contraband. You are subject to a 10K fine if you refuse to cooperate.

From the testimonies of those that I came across - it was not a good experience in the name of security. People are being intimidated. Do we want to dismiss the stories and just say it is an urban legend? We are heading towards a society where people will be treated less as constituents and more like cattle.

People are chosen randomly and TSA is not necessarily taking out terrorist looking people from the line. If you are attractive and someone fancies to see you naked, you may be plucked from the line. Such was the case with several girls.

Currently the "naked" images of several passengers are swirling about the internet as people buzz about TSA and how certain officials are making BANK with the scanners. Mind you, these folks have private planes and may not have to go through cancer causing, DNA mutagenic scanners to go on vacation or a business trip. I also doubt that their children have to be pat-down and touched rigorously by a stranger.

For the price of safety, are you willing to give up being treated with respect? Are you willing to accept that frisking grandma is part of getting on with vacation? REALLY? REALLY????

There has to be a better way to create a safe society without dehumanizing people. There has to be a way to respectfully talk to someone and assess if they are dangerous to put on a plane without the scanner, pat-down, strip searches drama. Are we trying really hard to not talk and relate?

Civilization has built beautiful great cities, inspired great art and shown that people can shine with creativity. Are we tapped out?

So now I suppose to be part of the "normal majority" would be to subject ourselves to whatever we are told is for our own good and be dependent, unthinking breathing, compliant units that like to say are human...

Nevermind that you have a voice, a conscious mind and a sense that things are not quite right. You have better things to do anyway than worry about policy makers and how their decisions affect your life. This TSA buzz will be so yesterday after a few football games anyway. Right?

Maybe you didn't make your vote count. You can still make your voice count, get a tiny bit enlightened about the state of affairs and tell a friend.

Have a great holiday season. Treat people with respect and expect the same. Maybe that could be a beginning direction to take toward national security?

JNET

Jnetsworld Turns SIX

2010-11-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

jnetsworld turns six

Welcome to the party. Jnetsworld is happy and thriving at six years old. What makes for a happy six year old?

Climbing trees, cracking eggs into the bowl, the tooth fairy and the continuation of the fun-a-rama.

Climbing trees - jnetsworld stills grows in blogspot. If you want to read the rougher draft of things, this is where I allow my rough side to exist. My blogspot gets imported onto tumblr and my wordpress polishings get copied to stumbleupon.

Cracking eggs into the bowl - jnetsworld gets adventurous and sometimes podcasts. What to title a show about arts and the conundrum fun of being a human being and negativity slayer? More Than a Headshot. Public speaking practice on an internet radio show pressed me to join Toastmasters International. Where I didn't waste any time and set off to write and perform as many speeches as possible and compete at contests.

The tooth fairy - bonuses from losing baby teeth. I lost some teeth when I got duped by a false friend's project that I will simply refer as Clandestine Wax Cutie. Despite the drama, I appreciated being able to play with my passion for photography which prompted me to initiate hellos to photographer whose work inspired me. I introduced myself as well as was introduced to photographers whom I respect and have been very kind and helpful toward me. Lesson: a "lost" may simply be getting rid of "baby teeth" - allow what is strong to grow into the space - and celebrate the gift under your pillow when you finally wake up.

Continuation of the fun-a-rama - Life is still fun and interesting with many worthy points to write about. I owe much to the good people that help generate my world through their love, their coaching, their encouragements and their many ways of being that challenge and inspire me.

I've stretched beyond being unshy. I've grown my voice and mark its signature. And I feel that I have become more focused as I had forgiven momentary lapses quickly and got on with the creative game of Life.

In celebrating another birthday, here are a few of my favorite reviews and comments.

*********************************************************

PAULFRANK: "I think I am in love."

DESTINYSFATE: "Different in each & every way possible yet so much in which she shares....I'm in awe of how I can honestly concur & relate to the 100th degree. Unique virtual boutique of expressions and suggestions"

JAMES: "Jnet, I love the way you write…such beauty."

LITBITOFSONSHINE: "I loved her creative writing on her stumbleupon and her wordpress. She rocks and rolls and has such a open and sharing and caring understanding soul; one I even marked to read again as I will also visit her pages. Its nice to learn about families from her point of view as well as so many other mind expanding things - just wowzers."

DAVE: "I loved your “loving like an athlete.” Keep up your good writing…."

ALAN: "You inspired me to change my blogs look as well, alas, my change was not as stunningly successful as yours. This is to be expected though, since your talent shines through everything you do here. My compliments!"

DESTINY: "Love your world and thanks to you, I can now define myself in all the diversity and unique(ness) that I possess as a person…as a woman. Just saying Hello and wanted to share that..nothing more. I enjoy the substance of your blogs."

RICHARD: "My beautiful and talented friend. Again, I must tell you how well you write, but of much more importance than that, how very proud I am to “know” someone like you. You have such fine judgment, your values are impeccable and you seem dedicated to your art. As you know, choosing a life of creativity is not without its pitfalls. However, you do not need my advice and will find your way. You know I wish you well, Richard."

****************************************

Six years old! Amazing.

And it really touches me that some of my readers have been part of this world of mine for several years and that we can call one another friend. In writing I have found kin spirits and fellow rugged angels. I know the world is a good place and that there are many others who also enjoy a beautiful life of good friends and family where a new face can find a welcome space where people are celebrating the blessing of living and thriving despite any circumstance.

The world is full of strong, loving, powerful and kind people. Thank you for being part of the party in turning six.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Dancing to Distill JNET

2010-11-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

I can make myself disappear.

Wouldn't you like to know how to make yourself disappear to a point where you can't see your arms, your legs, your body as you do in daily life and see a new vision that you almost didn't recognize yourself?

A creative vision that has been inspired and is inspiring... a vision that you didn't know could be so beautiful. You? Beautiful? Yes. Beautiful in such a way that you forget your awkwardness and that self-critical voice that paralyzes you in private moments.

By dancing?

Why not?

I'm speaking specifically about social, community, and cultural dance. Since I'm not a club girl, I cannot speak from that groovy perspective.

But I know what its like to learn cultural dances and what it is like when a certain song comes on to see your grandma and others younger and older show just how connected you are because of a dance and a song.

And I know what its like to learn different types of social dances and find that you can have a laugh with a Russian, an Italian, and a crowd that makes the UN look uptight simply by loving tango, waltz, or flamenco.

Through dance a world fills me and I find I am never a stranger even though I may walk through unfamiliar doors for the first time. And I meet teachers and directors and choreographers that will look at people with so much possibility that there is no room for awkwardness to slow down the moment.

You can disappear too. And see yourself made beautiful by the vision of an art, discipline, and practice.

You won't recognize yourself. You will love it.

JNET

Reframing the Sheltered Life

2010-11-06T03:14:00.000-07:00

reframing the sheltered life

“A sheltered life can be a daring life as well.
For all serious daring starts from within.”

Eudora Welty

The world is a very strange place once your fly the nest. It can only be hoped that you have learned enough to enjoy that solo walk in the rain.

I enjoyed a relatively nice flight.... my mom, my bestfriends' moms, my friends and relatives were all power upping in the prayer circles sending good vibes to me. I got cards in the mail, care packages, and words of encouragement when I decided to break loose and figure out how to become a grown up 3000 miles away.

I add also that my mom did not agree with my chosen adventure to move to Boston when I had a perfectly nice set-up in San Diego; family, good people, and mentors.

Nonetheless, I got on the plane - minus a hug from my mom.

I knew moving would upset her. I had even refrained from letting her know I got accepted to music school til after I had secured an apartment in Boston.

Nonetheless, having so much encouragement and support fostered a sense of confidence and adventure. I loved the care packages with familiar foods from home. I mailed mom leaves from the east coast autumn as well as a copy of my budget and to share with her how I was managing.

The guy I was dating was not enthusiastic of my moving either. He felt that putting JNET in the city was like putting a baby kitten out in the wild. He even wrote me a "protective" letter in his Christmas card which I underlined and circled with red marker and posted back to him asking him where the love was in his card - telling him that I thought he didn't really mean to write the things he did.

A life growing up at church in a world where R rated movies were not allowed, where saying words likes "stupid" or "dummy" was not acceptable, where grades were discussed and jobs were not allowed (volunteer work acceptable) and most activities were chaperoned by a brother, a grandmother or a nun - qualified my "sheltered life" at one level.

And it is this first level that is easily criticized by peers growing up with different rules where swearing is normal, sardonic conversation is considered clever and people of authority are looked upon with disdain and distrust. I have spent more time and energy in class and rehearsal than hanging out in malls and parties put together. I don't think my social skills were being stunted by missing out on the certain social rituals.

XYZ: "Don't you think that you are missing out in certain experiences?" A classmate once asked when she noticed that I wasn't doing the dating drama rollercoaster.

JNET: "Hardly, I don't miss much when I'm having too much fun with the things I'm doing. I'm performing and travelling. I like rehearsals. I like the people I meet."

My "sheltered life" taught me how to be professional, on time and en pointe before I left high school due to time spent with mentors. I learned how to prepare and state my case before authority types. I respected them and wanted to do well.

I had to learn how to articulate and communicate well to gain new ground and privileges that would take jnetsworld from mom's nest to become my own invention.

I had to learn how to make a stand for myself intelligently and respectfully without emotional fireworks. I was allowed to share my mind. I was allowed my opinions. I was listened to and I was always comforted.

Now that I am grown up, I see many of my students are growing up in similar "sheltered" environments. I think it is a good thing. I see that these young people adore their families. I see adults sensitive to them but not overly indulgent.

JNET is STILL growing up in a sheltered environment.

I feel shielded from the elements (negative people and their drama).

Because I grew up choosing people that make sense by the standard from which I came. And the standard that I got from the "sheltered life" is living life full out, knowing you are not alone (people are a phone call, text, email away), that you have spiritual and emotional support encouraging you to be your best, your kindest, conscientious contributing self.

And the kind people that raised and protected you along the way want you to have all the opportunities possible to you, a better world, a big world that has hope and compassion that is worth exploring and making a mark in.

So that when you see unkindness you want and are moved to make a stand, so that when you see people made disposable or marginalized, it hurts poignantly and you see how many are made numb by having not been shielded as you have in growing up. And you see how blind sighted fear and hate is and it GRIEVES your heart because that is THE response to have when you see compassion and love missing.

I still have friends and family sending the good vibes and care packages nowadays are prepared dinners to take home from a students family if I cannot join them at the table or fresh baked cookies and I still get cards and letters and texts and emails of encouragement.

The sheltered life does not end when you step off the nest. It is a way that caring evolves and makes a life of its own. It forgives missing hugs. It makes space to draw out the better out of people.

My mom is my biggest fan and loves her strange bird a lot. And the boyfriend that wrote that card, flew in from San Francisco while I was visiting during break and apologized. He is one of my dearest friends to this day and he will most likely during his family visit to San Diego from San Francisco make time to have a bevvy and laugh.

There is a sentiment that those that live sheltered lives grow up insular and are either dangerous or very vulnerable once that leave the nest. I decided that the "sheltered life" needed some reframing and dimension explained.

Sheltered is NOT living the perpetual kiddie gated life. Let's try another word; shielded, growing up with a sense that someone is there to listen and encourage, to catch you, protect you, stand for you and raise hell on your behalf should the occasion arise.

When people feel loved and valued, conversations about meeting and overcoming challenges are normal table topics, drama is a hiccup to iron out and there is an openness that buffers people from allowing egos to define situations.

I am grateful for those that have been a shield to me. Those guiding people that made sure I learned kindness because the world needs mindful and thoughtful people. I am grateful for the curfews and going out with body guards teaching me about respect and boundaries. I am grateful for the amount of patience it took to grow me (from others and from myself).

To grow sheltered is to grow strong. And a sheltered life can be daring, for all serious daring begins within.

May you enjoy a sheltered life; shielded by the love of dear people. And may you always be daring. You have the love of so many people rooting on your behalf.

JNET

Leave a Comment

The High Road of Silence Comes to An End

2010-10-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

the high road of silence comes to an end

How do you make peace with someone that you feel has not only hurt you but has also exploited you?

There are those who insist that the higher road is to choose silence. But is it truly the case that peace is held at bay by time and that healing comes thereafter with connectedness and understanding?

I do believe silence is powerful. Silence soothes heated times. It prevents careless words of haste to be burned into memories. It also gives space for words or acts of reconciliation to make a spontaneous appearance.

Earlier this year, it was disheartening to realize that the basis of a friendship I had - depended on my silence and unconditional subsidizing. Being forthright in conversation yet trying to be sensitive to my friend's troubled life was met with flattery and promises... think Wimpy from Popeye in terms of fiscal irresponsibility. No amount of "thank yous" and "you are so great" covers when you cannot financially support a friend and you find yourself living in a sinking ship. I saw a friendship reveal itself false. Things got messy (understatement).

I could've walked away from the pretense accepting on my part as well - to pretend with them that things were peachy keen. But how do you stay silent when something unethical or shady is at hand? Life was not feeling like a whimsical cartoon; it was intense, unstable and ambiguous.

There is no surprise then that something like Enron and Maddoff can happen.. when there is a bit of the same shuffle and flair happening it front of your eyes and you can choose to just be shocked and remain silent. Or, get over the shock, see if anything more happens to confirm what you hope is not true and only after that, get upset for real and act.

Act when there are things amiss and you are being "encouraged" to support questionable people who insist on being above reproach.

Act? No way. Too scary. What about the possible drama?

Tough call.

I kept my peace to a point where I didn't even want to see people because I didn't want to mention that my (false)friend and I fell out and that its worst than I thought. Friends don't like to feel like they are in the middle of a divorce unless they have something useful to say or do.

I couldn't just stay quiet after allowing Life to reveal more about the character of the people that needed "writing off." When I saw that they had a blatant disregard and less than professional ethic that I could just silently witness so that they can laugh and carry on, I felt ill.

It just isn't the way I am. I can be patient. But silent before disregard and disrespect and unprofessionalism, I cannot.

I was also colorfully invited with a combination of angry threats and insults...

To silence.

I ask myself... how do you make peace with someone that you feel has not only hurt you but has exploited you? And tell me also, how do you make peace with someone that you thought was a friend and could have served as a mediator of the conflict or remained neutral (fair enough) but chose instead to be antagonistic?

My enthusiasm for a "business meeting" to sort things out were more than less than inspired. Seriously, how do you plan a business meeting with people that thug out and get "all ghetto" on you?

Would you take orders from someone that insists that you be positive in your shutting up? And speaks to you "professionally" by telling you to shut the !@#% up and not bring your "daddy issues" to the table?

Tell me..

Would you acquiesce?

Life is interesting. Interesting has lots of different definitions... and this is the part of interesting that I do not care for.

I did what any intelligent concerned person would do when threatened. I checked in with a couple of trusted friends to double check what I wrote and consulted with a couple of attorneys.

Blame my daddy issues.

I feel much better.

JNET

Leave a Comment

POEM: From Jane Gault - a reprise

2010-10-21T02:41:00.000-07:00

poem: from jane gault - a reprise

Inspired by John Gault's Radio Address in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged." I wrote this several years ago... I bring it forward to encourage a friend... and a reminder to myself that all is not well with the world.

Because how you love life passionately is not in the same spirit as others.

FROM JNET ... ie JANE GAULT....

The last of my words I leave to those heros hidden in the world
Held prisoner within the beauty of a soul unfurled
Of virtue and desperate determination

My friends in spirit, keep watch your border
For lingering enemies await to bring disorder
Hurling hatred upon a path of an honest life

Where roads have been laid down with passionate invention and emotions
To serve hungry nations of voracious appetites and notions
And you are held by means of your endurance

As your generousity extends to bear their sorrow and concerns
Innocent of their sulfurous hearts as their mind burns
A crack on the sidewalk disguishes

Their evil in cries of despair
And you stand unaware
Unable to conceive of their intentions

In giving every benefit of every doubt
You refuse to condemn that which eludes you
Devout to understanding

You stand with your love for life
They chant quiet prayers of strife
As you naively call them friend
They plan your love for life to end

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

Leave a Comment

Pas de Touche

2010-10-18T14:19:00.001-07:00

pas de touche

The Rue de Cascades piece is my voice for now.

The driving bass declares my existence accompanied by a melody that is complex and articulate. On purpose. Tiersen contrasts the phrases using dynamics. There is a loud way to say things and there is a quieter way as well. The spirit of the piece is my voice... full of sound and fury... yet mindful of the control it takes to execute the piece beautifully.

My heart is broken but I refuse to accept the imposed silence. Playing music reminds me that I am alive... that I have a heart that speaks above the dissonance.... that I love and that passion is never silent.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Teaching Sensitivity

2010-10-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

teaching sensitivity Â

My student, B is thirteen and he has finally memorized Albeniz's Capricho Catal¡n. We've been working on it juxtaposed to Satie's Gymnopedie No. 1.

He favors the Satie piece (not memorized yet) for he plays it with a sensitivity that is remarkable. It is such a gentle piece with mild dissonances. He plays it with such intention that the melody floats. He plays it in such a way that shows me that he is especially connected to this piece.

But that sensitivity is not consistent - as if he disconnects from himself a tiny bit during particular measures.

The faster and cheerful Albeniz piece needs more detailed study. It's busier and perhaps being on purpose and intentional is more demanding. But how to listen slowly when things are fast? Such is the dilemma with some. Slower piece are easier to be present with while faster pieces demand a great deal of attention.

He's already listening in such a way that most grown ups have not trained themselves to do. And to grow his sensitivity I teach him to listen to his playing in a new way each week, approaching the piece from a new perspective.

This week we did heart surgery.

JNET: "Did you know that those that study music are the highest admitted group of people to medical school?"

B: "No." His eyes getting bigger with interest. His father is a doctor and his mother is a nurse. Most of my students have parents in the medical field though I also teach many attorney's families as well.

JNET: "A surgeon requires a great deal of sensitivity to operate. His work is very delicate and precise. I would like you to especially go over those chromatic passages as a surgeon. Stretch your ritardandos. Exaggerate for now just to see the range you can stretch your expression. You don't play simply from your mind. Project your music with your body and try leaning in to be more on purpose. Do surgery, a delicate operation that demands even more attention from you."

He immediately took to the operating table and the music was a new creation. I'm looking forward to seeing how my young surgeon will sound next week. Perhaps a week of practice will not only open a new sound from him but also a new world to which he looks at with delicate attention.

Can you also consider looking at the world with delicate attention and listening to how you express yourself? Happy practicing.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Oh Captain, My Captain

2010-10-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

oh captain, my captain

A tale of two leadersÂ¦

The opportunity of conflict and how one leads to create a resolution brought some insights to me this past week. I learned that conflict reveals the noble or less than noble character of a leader. Conflict also reveals ones value toward something or someone for one ismotivated to bring peace and stability to that which one loves and values and as quickly as possible.

Would a king sacrifice his queen?

By queen, I am not referring necessarily to a literal person but rather a principle or value; something that you stand by and grow with. And that which you stand by and value defines you as well as your actions.

And Im not talking about some little pet project or a little nursery rhyme song to arrange. Im talking about building a dream; composing a symphony that draws out your heart and soul.

This past week, two leaders in my life revealed why I follow one and why Ive lost feeling any sense of loyalty to another. Ive know both for relatively a similar amount of time. Both are friends ONE of which I devoted a great deal of time and effort towards helping tobuild his project. It was rigorous. I was one of the first people there and the last to leave but I enjoyed every moment of the 15 hour work day. I happily gave up opportunities of work and performance elsewhere.

I thought he, OPOO, was a worthy king and I wouldve at the time helped build anything he requested. I felt like a valued first chair in the orchestra and I took everything my conductor said to heart and wanted to create good work.

A conflict arose in his orchestra and he left it between myself and the other person to sort out our differences during a timely haitus during which he said he had a pile of arrangements to sort through. He mentioned that he was happy with my work and that he was also excited to share something particular to me in the future.

That is fine and fair. The hiatus was a welcome buffer and I was excited to see copies of what he wanted to share. But a resolution between myself and the other chair was never met.

Four months later, the conductor began the new season with the full orchestra minus me.

And that was fine. He was afterall, king and conductor of his project and I respected that and figured that he had to consider for himself about the best blend of sound he needed.

He never contacted me regarding the something he wanted to share with me. More time passed and I saw the works he was creating and saw that I was edited out. He pulled my name, picture and credit from what he was building without checking in with me. He couldve said thank you but that he wanted to continue composing his work without me. He didnt consider that those actions would break my heart and love for what he stood for. The kindness that he once showed me to draw better art of myself cadenced to actions that I did not understand yet felt very acutely.

And I never said a word of complaint. I was gutted. I didnt know what to say.

Seven months passed before I wrote of it.

more here...

10.10.10

2010-10-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

10.10.10

Ten is the number for perfection and order.

I am spending this day of perfection and order at home to reflect.

KNL is meeting for dance rehearsal and this is the first time that I have chosen to not perform. I will be attending their 20th anniversary gala performance at the Los Angeles Theatre Center next month though and will enjoy being a friend and fan of their work. I love dance and its demands but didn't have the space for rehearsals. I get my fix for now attending flamenco and the occassional bollywood dance class.

2010's resolution of clarity and focus has called into jnetsworld some rigorous conversation within and with others so that that I may enjoy a clearer path towards the future. (Yes, I still am trying to keep on target with my new year's resolution on this October day. Don't tell me you've chucked yours into the bin!)

Questionable friends have been placed at the end of a long table and my home is truly home to me now and I don't need a roommate to make it fill with life and sound. I must be on the right track because I've been fortunately blessed with opportunities and new students to confidently thrive solo.

Clearing my world of certain people was not easy. Where straight forward conversation did not work - silence worked best. I think I spent the good first quarter of the year just LISTENING to the spin of some people. If you think facebooking takes up unnecessary time and energy, reconsider how keeping company with certain people in REAL TIME is actually worse.

I stopped playing audience to people who compromised the spotlight and had not shared the stage during social settings... who used me in place of hiring a therapist, ... who spoke with pretense and had a string of broken promises and needed people to bail them out of their chronic troubles.

I actually now have time to enjoy my true friendships and don't feel exhausted to enjoy time with my family.

DAAYYYYUUUMMM, you ejected people from jnetsworld???!!!

Yes.. As nicely as possible to define personal boundaries and within social protocol. For those that could care less about JNET borders, were ignorant or thought themselves above social niceties and were curious how far they can push for money, energy, and time; things were messy.

I wish I did it sooner. I would have not suffered the illnesses I had. I would have saved money and a lot of stress and tears. My two years work with Clandestine Wax Cutie finally defined to me what it meant to be "thrown under the bus." I had never heard the term before knowing them.

I was naive and now I am all the wiser.

The world is still full of awesome, good, kind, generous, fun people.

It's 10.10.10 and I am in love and I am loved. Why? Because I took on loving myself by sticking to my resolution for clarity and focus. I didn't want to second guess my life in 2010.

Do you want to get more clarity and focus for your life? You write the story. Yet, would you let someone else's voice write into your book indiscriminately with their doodlings and expressions of crayon? Something to think about on this perfect ten of a day.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Trophies, Tears, and True Love

2010-09-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

trophies, tears, and true love

Each day is full of sonatas in major and minor. Some are easy and some are not so easy. I wish I could enjoy a really good passage over slower paces of time.

I won first place at a Toastmasters Contest last weekend. I will be competing at the division level in a few weeks. I have to credit my music teaching experience to making me a good evaluator. I was touched that the test speaker whose speech I had to give a 3 minute critique approached me and said he found my evaluation most sincere among my competitors.

His comment made my day.

It was my first competition outside the comfort zone of my club. My competitors were experienced and ultra cool in my book. They were also writers with blog and Facebook fan base numbers that got a WOW out of me. I felt absolutely ill.

Me? I'm JNET. I do lots of things and stumble upon different worlds out of curiousity. My friends make fun of me that I get too busy to even care for a fish.

My one and only fish was a beta which I named Ã¢â,¬oeAmore Paziente (Patient Love). He was great. He was beautiful. And he eventually died. I was busy; travelling, going to rehearsals, doing something.

Back to Toastmasters, competing at an area contest I went in as JNET, who analyzes things in a not so linear, not so package-perfect, not so corporate suit manner. I improvised and made my comments from a way of being that didnt quite follow protocol.

I did not know what the standard way of giving a speech evaluation was. I was contestant number one. Lucky me got to do my evaluation FIRST and then was able to sit down and watch every single contestant. They were great, polished organized and they followed a formula. I was imagining bullet points lining up besides their heads as they spoke.

And I won - which felt very wonkish wonderlandish.

And I find it hilariously funny that not a single one of my competitors got to see me do my evaluation speech.

My evaluation prep was a brain storm of tiny notes I had peppered a piece of paper with. I made note of thoughts that I wanted to share with the speaker; notes about things that he did well that he may not have been aware of and of course stating the obvious good things he did so that he may continue those.

Mentors since have approached me to work on communicating more analytically as opposed to artistically. I am not sure how to improvise from their criticism.

Create bullet points above my head as I speak?

I cannot say that I am even that type of teacher. I just know that my students get what I say and they show me that they understand in the way that they play for me freely, honestly. In a way that makes me listen, hear them, and think ahhh. I knew that was the way you meant to play it.

Do I want another trophy or am I happy enough giving the kind of evaluation that will move a person to come to me and thank me for speaking from my heart? Doesnt that show that its NOT an exact formula of speech structure that wins people and trophies?

Anyway, that trophy is sitting in my living room. Ive been too busy to tell people about the competition. My car had broken down this past week, allergies have attacked me, my schedule is upside down and OH, for a space of a week, I enjoyed the possibility of being cast in a really cool commerical that mightve paid my rent for a year. But the client decided to take their campaign in a new direction and nix the script.

continue :)

That Favorite Piano Teacher... Miss Hart

2010-09-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

that favorite piano teacher …. miss hart

I had just started kindergarten... or so the story goes... when I decided to accompany my brother to his piano lesson. He wasn't doing very well and knowing what a pill he can be sometimes, he probably started to act up and be a handfull. He was one of those hyperactive, move like a storm while destroying things clumsily, sort of boys.

Miss Hart must've been very patient and hopeful because she decided to take me on as a student. My brother is the first student that she's ever given up on, Miss Hart told my mom after she could no longer figure out ways to engage him. My brother spent the lesson time in protest.

I don't remember too many details of my piano lessons with Miss Hart. My mom tells me that I did well and that I would share what I was learning. I was five and was busy with learning how to read and write, do math and the zillion other things that take off with going to kindergarten. I simply remember that she was worthy of filing into my good memory bank. I've had many many music teachers since then; various piano coaches, vocal coaches, conducting, music theory, harmony, arranging, yada yada..... I studied a season on violin, on cello, a few on the clarinet and on guitar. I even spent some time toying with a trumpet and an oboe.

I've had many teachers. And it is Miss Hart who helped start the fire to blaze my love affair and life with music.

I don't know what's become of Miss Hart. I moved after a couple of years with her. But I do think of her and wonder if she remembers me. She'll probably remember my brother.

I grew up and became a piano teacher. I meet many people with piano teacher stories. All of them regret not continuing. Some have stories how they were a terror to their teachers while others recall a nice old lady or a college grad that taught them for a spell.

I am hoping to make the nice memory file with my students as Miss Hart had with me.... and perhaps ignite something that will be part of their life.

Do you have a piano teacher story?

JNET

Leave a Comment

L’enfer C’est Les Autres

2010-09-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

l’enfer c’est les autres

I received a beautiful email last night.

And I wondered what life lived in each word. So poignant, so eloquent, so moving. It breathed and sighed and went to my very core. I wanted to kiss it. I was dissolved.

It was perfect.

All that beauty and eloquence moving me was then suddenly attacked by a runaway train led by sycophants. It took those glorious words, threw them aside and mocked me with laughter.

Those on the train laughed and told me that I was naively gullible and that I deserved the pain I felt. They said the world had lots of dark surprises and that I needed to be angry and feisty. They said that I was too sweet and I will not survive if I continued being sweet for sweet things are meant to be devoured.

L'enfer c'est les autres.

I gave them only silence... When there was nothing left for them to laugh at, they rode away. Waving....

"Bye, sis!"

"You're great. Thank you."

"That was a lot of fun. See ya."

And I was reminded once again... that moving forward happens many times firstly by getting up from the dust. Sometimes, there is no cheering crowd to support and light the way.

Sometimes, the beginning begins from a lonely silence and you are the only voice.... and your throat is full of dirt and dust. And everything is up to you to declare that you are alive.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Fallen Figments

2010-09-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

fallen figments

It was like experiencing a sunset that was so moving that it carved a memory into that place where I stored my favorite memories.

You have those days?

I have my favorites. Those special ones that confirmed the magic of life, like the time when the rain began to fall during a steamy summer afternoon while walking through the park with an ice cream cone in my hand. I remember how the sky crackled with electricity and the thunder rumbled from a distance...

Or an autumn at a New England lake collecting leaves of brilliant shades of red, orange and yellow. They looked so perfect; so beautiful that I filled a large envelop with them and mailed them to my mother.

Or that delicate morning walk that I breathed in the crisp winter air, marveling at the line of bare beautiful magnolia trees covered with a clear crystalline layer of ice. How I loved listening to the sound of snow under my feet and feel a snowflake land on my cheek.

Or the evening when the moon was so big and bright that I hiked a mile without a flashlight.

It's nice to have these memories live inside of me. I experienced all these magical moments (with the exception of the hike) alone.

It is rare that I have a moment like this with someone else. I usually find myself annoyed because the moment would be stolen away from the moon, the snowflakes or crunching of autumn leaves by the other person wanting to fill the silence with a joke, an impatient sigh of boredom or some word to disregard being present to the possibility of being filled with awe.

So imagine what it must have been like to actually feel awe and magic when its not the sunset, the moon or the trees that filled me with poetry but rather a person. And then imagine that poem getting filtered so that the ink to say the words was diluted that you couldn't put the words outside of you.

And that is what had become of a sunset that now fits between leaves and snowflakes where I have my favorite memories.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Complex Meet Complicated

2010-09-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

complex meet complicated

SEMANTICS: the language used to achieve a desired effect through the use of words with novel or dual meanings.

I don't mind a good brain workout toward winning a game, mastering a piano piece, or even taking on the extra mindfulness of handling a delicate conversation. To me something complex or intricate is also interesting and elegant and I would experience complex as I would a rollercoaster.

You ought to know that I ADORE rollercoasters... a masterful engineering of steel and hydraulics that uses physics for a calculated thrill equation. Complex is a good ride... sometimes fast with quick corners and sometimes climbing, building anticipation. Complex can be enjoyed on a sunny day and a serious aficionado will ride out on a rainy day.

COMPLEX: (biochemistry) an entity composed of molecules in which the constituents maintain much of their chemical identity

Complex creates an emotion in me that is of awe and curiosity. Complex has a certain fascinating slant; several. Edgey and complexy sexy....

Complex meet Complicated....

Complicated is not sexy or edgey at all. It snarls at Complex and promises a good fight. Complicated is not fun to sit through. Lacking the charisma and fascinating lure of Complexity, Complicated gains attentions by complaints and emotional hijackings that create a thrill of a different and darker sort.

I bring these two words up because so many people choose "complicated." I tend to choose complex. What you choose colors how you walk the path.

I decided to un-choose "complicated" people recently. The ride guaranteed frustration, disappointment and unsettling predictability. Complicated people also seem to have an unearned sense of entitlement over other people's time and patience as well as a lack of graciousness, autonomy and initiative to create balance.

One such person had a knack for needing to spew the miseries of her life on me ad nauseum. I found myself feeling ill - interrupted several times during a clockwork of desperation from her needing an audience. Just trying to be a sympathetic ear was challenging...

In the end, I find that a life liberally labeled as complicated is code for "don't question my life" just let me dump it on you.

Not to expect Life to be a ride on the teacups.... I just like it challenging enough to make me think and be creative... look forward to intricacies and enjoy fast corners.

Which would you choose? I have a gorgeous Bach piece that you may enjoy getting your hands on. One is complex. The other is complicated.

How do you color your world with your words?

Jnetsworld... clearing away complication.

JNET

Leave a Comment

SPEECH (lightly roasting): Resident Alien - The Great Gordini

2010-09-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a dream of mine to travel into outer space and explore the stars and galaxies.... and perhaps meet intelligent life... out there. Mind you that alien may be three feet tall with wide almond shaped eyes and pale clammy looking skin.

Fortunately, we have an alien in our midst and the Men In Black have just okay'd his visa for the next millenium. Can we please give a big hand to Mr. Gordon Limtiaco, Mr. Out of This World Himself.

Don't tell me that you didn't notice that Gordon here was DIFFERENT. He's been begging for you to know within every speech he gives. They've all been confessionals.

Let's look at his family. They look normal. But hadn't you considered the strangeness of how many times they've moved? Â It's suspicious.

Born in Cincinnati.

Go to the internet tonight, Cincinnati has been a hot spot of UFO sightings since the 1800's.

Moved to Shreveport, LA at age 5.

Why Gordon? You are just starting school.

Moved to Baton Rouge, LA at age 6.

What the heck, Gordon? You scared the kids in kindergarten?

Moved to Boise, Idaho at age 7.

How many families up and move each year? Â You make the Cullen vampire family look tame. Â I suspect that you ate raw meat or licked a classmate and freaked someone out.

Yes... Gordon eats raw meat. But, be assured he's not a killer though has a diverse appetite that would gross out a vulture. Â The man's favorite publication is Guideposts a religious magazine which he's been devouring for years and he is an atheist.

If your family was atheist, reading Guideposts would be grounds for kicking you out of the house. Â Gordon, you are an embarrassment to atheists around the world.

Stand close enough to Gordon and he may take a sniff at you and maybe take a lick and growl like a puppy. But he won't break the skin. Â Just stay still... sort of like playing dead.

Gordon is harmless though. Â HARMLESS. Â How can you be afraid of this man when he has a formidable movie collection of chick flicks would make a gay man blush?

Moved to Anchorage, AK at 11.

That is far. Your family is on the lamb? You safely stay there for a while. Your brother says that you went everywhere wearing two back packs. Two. One on front and the other on the back filled to full capacity. Â With what Gordon?

Moved to Los Angeles at 18.

This is a good place to be Â strange. The actors provide a good smoke screen.

Gordon's first car was a black Cadi hearse... The Men in Black agents drive black Cadis. Gordon's always wanted to be a special agent. Â Look at him right now, he's wearing a black suit keeping the dream alive. Â Black is one of his favorite colors but he always get distracted that he disqualifies himself from being an agent due to a particular idiosyncrasy...

Gordon has a distracting fascination with numbers and it makes him measure everything. He can eyeball your height and weight. Anyone over 6 foot 3 gets a wow factor and he wants to take a picture like pulling Goofy in Disneyland for a photo op. This is not a quality to maintain intergalactic security.

Gordon's impeccable eye for measuring makes him a top notch funeral director. Where the saleperson at the dress boutique can look at you and know your size or the shoe person can look at your feet and bring out the right fit, Gordon looks at you and pictures you in the perfect casket.

Why couldn't you be a wedding planner? Our talks on diamonds and jewelry are about turning my carbon matter into a gem. It's true.. it can be done. Gordon's given me brochures.

Gordon likes to say that he'll appear normal as long as he doesn't open his mouth. Â It took a while to get to know him. Â He's a bit private but eventually he was sharing some of his chick flicks with me andÂ I got to know a bit of his thoughts and found them disturbing.

Gordon is obsessed over doughnuts and sweets. Â Obsessed. Â You think eating raw ground meat is strange? Â Sundays, Gordon like to treat himself to a meal out in the town. Â Several meals. Â In one seating, he'll eat enough to feed a football team. Â Gosh, I wish I took pictures because I know it sounds unbelievable. Â And he keeps 20 pints of ice cream in his freezer. Â 20 pints! Â Gordon lives ALONE. Â And he prefers to eat it when it is melted into an ice cream soup.

I've known Gordon for several years now. This is the most normal I've ever known Gordon to be. Frankly, I'm surprised that I've known him this long what with his licking and sniffing habits. But he's been working on being normal and hasn't offended any of my friends in quite a while. Toastmasters has really helped him shine. He even has a girlfriend now. I cannot even imagine.... I am afraid to. She seduced him with a song reciting the Fibonacci series.

Gordon's given excellent speeches and you'll have to listen closer next time just don't stand too close. Being a toastmaster has given him new life; a normal one... one where he can enjoy ironically... being a bit more human.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Loving Like An Athelete

2010-08-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

loving like an athelete

I am riding the train back to Los Angeles right now. I arrive at midnight and have a slight idea of my arrangements in getting home from Union Station. With all my family in San Diego and only myself in LA, my life is made smoother by the kindness of good friends that respond to text messages and FB status updates.

Maybe it's living on the edge to you - to travel and not know what will happen at the midnight hour. I like to call it traveling on love and faith.

I am still on an adrenaline ride over an intense and full family weekend. There is much anticipation over babies being born within the next several weeks. There are tensions over first days of school and grandparents shuffling schedules to manage caretaking while parents juggle work schedulesÂ¦.

And this is only the pre-game.

Creating hoped for smooth transitions require many conversations that will go through tensions, confusions, clarifications, and encouragements challenging the family dynamic in being committed to one another. There is a trading of liaison roles and sometimes a goal feels like a relay race as we pass the batons. every finish line is in the name of "team family." The challenge is to love like an athelete.

Discomfort therefore is looked upon as something to press pass. Think of it as standing at the diving board aware that waiting will not make the water any warmer. At some point, you will have to work the nerve to get in the water.

Not everyone is equally skilled in communication and that is forgivable. Everyone at some point was clumsy nor had built enough patience muscle to have the strength to understand nor the reflex to act gracefully.

Not everyone is good. We have three year olds we must admonish to treat each other kinder. Saying sorry is painful through filters of stubborness. Sometimes a grown up needs a refresher talk.

Great plays, great landings, and races will be won, many will not be praised enough because life moves quickly meeting new challenges. Admiration and being appreciated will be one of those things to enjoy and accept without needing egos stroked. The thrill of experiencing new levels in the "family game" is enough.

What thrill can there possibly be in "family"? I'll tell you straight up that you've been sitting on the bench and not felt that thrill that trumps beating records, besting at a board or video game, or mastering a really fun technical piece on a musical instrument if you haven't overcome making a mistake turn into a lesson, creating a reconciliation that is creative and moving that it grows you and inspires others, or figuring out how to diffuse a bomb of conflict by cutting the correct wire in the nick of time to save the day.

Are you game?

JNET

Leave a Comment

Quick Listener

2010-08-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

I've found myself needing to play defense several times this week that I welcomed beginning a weekend of not speaking to anyone. Court is adjourned!

Three well meaning friends had their own personal visions on how I may have my happiness look a particular way. Their criticisms came from that same good place that inspires moms to nag at their children for their own good.

Yes, yes yes...I feel the love and I am getting annoyed.

My mom doesn't draw out grueling upset conversation though. She has always been quick to listen so that I may put my case forward in a strong rational voice.

Do you know what it feels like to have someone be quick in listening to you? It gives you a sense of moving together toward understanding and being understood. It gives you the space to say what makes you happy even though the other person may have other suggestions.

And it gives you a platform to make a stand for yourself before getting emotionally wound up.... arrrgghh headache headache

My friends are used to a different tempo of communicating perhaps. We got out of sync that I had to go over the same measure of conversation over and over til I was on the verge of tears. Then and only then in a space of emotional restraint was I listened to and finally understood.

If I don't have exhausting emotional conversation like this with my family, why must I be pressed to the verge of tears by a friend? Why can't they trust my choices as freely?

It's because they still don't know me like my family does and therefore they need explanations. They don't quite understand my happiness all the time. They project their own ways, boy ways, not jnet ways upon me.

That frustration creates separation a temporary but annoying one.

But I do love them; my friends. I know they are coming from a loving and protective spirit. And I know they hold me in good regard even while we are out of sync and misunderstanding gets a dance in.

What feels like home to me? That place where listening is quick and feels like love. I know what that feels like and its really nice.

Are you a quick listener?

JNET

Leave a Comment

Mindshare LA

2010-08-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

mindshare la

I joined 400+ mindshare rocksharians at Exchange LA, the club-ified former Los Angeles Stock Exchange Building last night.

It was my first time. After several months of having scheduling conflicts to attend this once a month event that shatters the typical stereotype of LA cool and bumps it up a quantum notch. Very hip, eclectic and mindstretching as you mindshare over cocktails and sweet goodies.

If you are wondering if you ought to go, I say yes yes yes. You will be happy. You'll leave knowing that the world is a better place than you thought.

Register. I didn't and paid at the door which is absolutely fine but believe me, it will make your hellos even easier.

B: "Gee, isn't the event a bit pricey?" a friend asked me last night wanting to know the skinny on Mindshare LA.

JNET: "Not at all. It's a great party smart scene. I thought I have to move back east to party like last night."

The party gathered into the exchange hall and everyone took a seat (cocktail or beer in hand) to listen to several speakers mindshare their ongoing projects. Imagine going to a very very cool lecture hall with a happy buzz.

The "geek" scene included a neuroeconomist who gave a talk on the bonding cuddle chemical, oxytocin, that grabbed everyone's fascination. It's power over how we socialize and how it is manipulated by con people sparked up lively conversation. The questions would've kept flowing but he had to share the stage with other speakers.

Several filmmakers also shared the stage. If you are into independent films and film festivals like myself then you will enjoy hearing what's UP with these folks.

Mindshare... cocktails, conversation, filmmakers, scientists, comic book artist... what else can an Angeleno be hungry for? Social consciousness and ideas that are changing society.... A woman shared her program of sharing and renting your things out. I had no idea that people had SO MUCH STUFF and that the storage industry is making bank. If you've heard of zipcar and couchsurfing, you'll like knowing of what she's doing in Los Angeles with NeighborhoodGoods.Net.

After the talks, the dance floor was cleared of its chairs and the party carried on. I went downstairs to check out the art installations and had fun playing some interactive games. I made some new acquaintances, several who were regulars and many new like myself. Later I went upstairs again and made more hellos. I was able to introduce myself to the neuroeconomist and ask him a couple of questions on oxytocin and get a hug to raise my levels.

I'll be returning. Fascinated to hear further talks from the smart, sexy and successful of Los Angeles who have a social sensibility to create a fun event that is "enlightened debauchery."

Nice to find a beautiful people scene that is refreshing and absolutely hip. Go on, expand your horizons and get on with your sexy geek self and get yourself to Mindshare LA.

JNET

Leave a Comment

SPEECH: People Person

2010-08-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

speech: people person

I have a confession I am going to share with you.

But first, I would like a show of hands. Who considers themselves a people person?

You have a demeanor that puts people at ease and gets them engaged. You like people and they like you back. Some of you may even light up the room when you enter and people are happy just because you are there.

I think it is fair to say that we all want to be likable. It's helpful.... to be gainfully employed, feel part of the neighborhood.... and prevent getting ourselves killed.

Even though some may do it all wrong.

And some of you may actually get a charge interacting with people.. even the ones who are offensive.

As for the ones who do things just right. Wow! They speak so well, they dress so sharp, they look minty fresh up close and from a distance. And some make their way to the big stage, with lights, cameras, and an awesome audience like you times wow.... multiplied by wow cubed!

Imagine. All those people. What a rush. Loving you...

listening to you so intently...

wondering what shampoo you use.

Imagine....

All....

those...

people.....

Contestmaster, Fellow Toastmasters, and Distinguished Guests.

Here's my confession.

I am not a people person.

Not in the sense that many of you kind people are. I do get a rush of energy. A rush of energy leaving my body. I wish I was built differently but for every hour that I play out in being with people, I need an hour to myself to recover. .. preferably in silence.

I rarely speak to people before noon. You know that scene where there's a person trying to make some sense of a baby and a toddler comes along to translate for the baby? I'm that baby. I let my friends talk for me.

No... no... no... I don't believe it.

Yes.. yes.. yes... Believe it.

But you perform, JNET. You dance. You host a podcast. You do speeches at Toastmasters.

As long as I have a structure to follow, a script, choreography, I manage... I dare myself with sink or swim situations. But this isn't as easy for me as it might be for another person. I am prone to fainting if I feel anxious. Heck, I fainted at home alone just thinking of this speech competition.

Performing is my "practice" to develop and enjoy some sort of poise despite sensing that my battery pack is depleting itself in processing so much. Standing here is like skydiving to face a fear of heights. But I am not afraid of people, I am just acutely aware that this experience is physically demanding for me... and this is where I learn to pack my parachute.

I'm an introvert stuck in an extavert's body.

If you ask me for my number, I will tell you straight off ... don't call.... even if you are a cutie pie and you know I'm crushing on you. Text me. Facebook me.

I have a preference to be alone. A lot. I am a process and reflect sort of girl. My family and friends are used to it. They check my status updates to make sure I'm okay and to keep up with what I'm up to. My mom learned that I was in Palm Springs for the Toastmaster convention only after she checked my Facebook.

When I spend time with those I love...

It's like when I am alone.

It's really nice. Lots of laughter but lots of space to be quiet.

Space to be quiet doesn't work at parties though that hasn't stopped me from retreating to a corner with a book. I fall by the side when conversations buzz around gossip, pop culture, sports. That is a lot of information to stay on top of. Â Even if I had an arsenal of jokes to share. Â I would still choose to be quiet.

I love people as all of us here do. Yet, being with people for some is like a shot of caffeine into their system. For me, its the opposite and if I'm in needy company it feels like a vampire is on my jugular. That's a lot for me to recover from. I may have to disappear for a few days or take a really long shower to feel like myself again.

I once had a roommate that could not help but talk talk talk about everything that excited her or made her sad. I was up to three showers at one point. It got so bad that my thoughts started taking on her voice. I had to ask her to leave.... I couldn't recenter myself.

Silence is Golden and I mine for it every day so that I can be the person you see and not pass out. Toastmasters puts high value on communicating and connecting, and now that you know my secret, that I am an introvert in an extrovert's body, I am going to dare and go out on a limb and make a stand for my fellow people-loving introverts who value communication, connecting and silence.

(silence)

Just a few minutes to go.

Just kidding.

Thanks for allowing me that.. I think that tiny bit of silence gave me an extra bar of juice.

Contestmaster

JNET

Leave a Comment

Toastmaster Convention 2010 @ Palm Desert

2010-08-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

toastmaster convention 2010 @ palm desert

Just kidding.... There were no toasters, no bread and no toasting. But it definitely was roasting HOT out in the desert. It was 111 degrees this past Friday when BT and I set off on a two hour trek to Palm Springs to fit in a game of golf before attending the world championship of public speakers.

There's a competition for speaking? Yes. But it is not only speaking. It's also writing the speech, memorizing it, delivering it and moving your audience to tears and laughter through a rigorous rising above 35,000+ fellow competitors til you are one of the 10 finalists.

I have just attended my first TM Convention. Wow... cubed.

Imagine.... taking the stage on this final competition with a message that you hope wins you the number one spot. It is a huge stage... bright lights. And it is just you... JUST YOU... and you and you on two big projection screens on either side... and a panel of judges.... and a two thousand plus people listening to you.

All I can think of now is... How do I get myself there? And speak so powerfully as the winner, David Henderson did, making the audience laugh and finally break down to tears by the end.

For now I'm inspired as my brain whirs about in a flurry of thought. I'll be competing within my own club this week. Happy and fired up after a searing weekend out in the desert.

JNET

Leave a Comment

I'm Okay, You're Okay..... In Small Doses

2010-08-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

i'm okay, you're okay.. in small doses

I read a joke on the internet the other day.

QUESTION: How many introverts does it take to have a meeting?

ANSWER: It only takes two but they both will need computers and an internet connection.

Cute. The gag somewhat eludes me. I want to chuckle but I'm at the edge of understanding the joke. And I don't want to bust a brain cell trying to figure out why this is so hilarious. I think an extravert wrote the joke.

I tried to find a joke about extraverts and came up empty. Darn. Guess I'll have to make one up to put some balance in the mix.

QUESTION: How many extraverts does it take to have a meeting?

ANSWER: What meeting? We never stayed on topic. We're going to have to reorganize and maybe structure a workshop to make it through the agenda.

Huh?.... says the extravert....

Don't tell me you've never witnessed an extravert doing what they do best.

"Wow... Does she ever come up for air?.... What an exhausting person."

Extraverts would like to think that introverts are anti-social, shy or are socially challenged. I've met a few that would congratulate themselves for crashing jnetsworld and saving me from a life that would be un-interesting without them. They are the ones that ask me when I am going to write about them.

Ummm. This is jnetsworld. I'll have to get back to you later on that one.

And those are the "confident" ones. Mind you the definition of an extravert is someone who derives their energy from others. There are those "gregarious" "people-person" types who have a more than healthy appetite for attention and then there are the voracious ones that are not as happy-go-lucky and need to be placated lest they display a show of fireworks and drama to insure their stage time.

Gotta love those crazy brazen folks though....always ready with an arsenal of jokes, skills to thrill and a pocket speech that they repeat ad nauseum. They are in their element in making sure no one leaves without knowing their name.

Extraverts... can be lovely... and less than lovely.

I once had a roommate who talked so much that my thoughts started to take on her voice. I had to ask her to leave. She could never be quiet. And I couldn't get anything done.

Introverts get their energy from having time to be quiet with themselves. I love people AND I need space to get my energy and focus up so that I can perform well in the social setting. I can happily work a 15 hour photo shoot and be amicable and meet with my students and create a fun and engaging piano lesson the next day... as long as I'm given my quiet time to recharge.

I think its fun if I don't speak to a single soul for a couple of days. Am I shy? No. Am I friendless and have nowhere to go? No. Would I welcome a random hello, a spontaneous plan? Absolutely... and only from certain people. Would I be hurt if a friend did not see me in a couple of weeks or even years? Not at all. I figure they have been up to something and will catch up with me eventually. All is right with the world. I don't depend on others for my happiness... and I prefer to steer clear of those who are demanding in order to be happy.

I think its quite centering to be introverted. I'm okay. You're okay..... in small doses. I will see you.... when I see you. You go on and enjoy doing your thing... Going to disappear now.

I get my energy during my quiet time.

Where do you get yours?

JNET

Leave a Comment

No Bitter Ink

2010-08-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

no bitter ink

I've been surfing the random blog button.What can I say? I don't have cable. I don't even own a television. I suppose I can catch the reruns somewhere in the internet. But I like my life and I don't mind reading it again.

Good thing I haven't written anything I regret. I don't like collecting bad memories. If there is a dry writing spell in jnetsworld, it is on account of my taking stock of what is going on. I figure if I just keep quiet and not get reactive, sad or mean-spirited, Life will lend a creative way to frame it.It's an effort to sit in that silence to generate something like hope and forgiveness... especially when there is a barrage of negative energy.

XYZ: "I just got a text. Ahhh man, it's bad."

JNET: "Lemme see.... wow. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Wait a minute. You're not answering that text... are you?"

XYZ: "Why not?"

JNET: "Because it's bait... it's words coming from a hurt and angry place. Don't feed it. If you write something, you have to write something good to diffuse it. It has to be worth remembering a hundred times."

XYZ: "Why? What do you mean?"

JNET: "Because that person cares about you and you really care about them despite this moment. If they are having a weak moment, don't throw it back at them. End it now, for both of you. Write nothing or write something good. That person will hold on to every word you write. That's life. That's love."

As I surf that random blog button, I am reminded that it is a good thing that I didn't journal with bitter ink. Maybe how I write is a way that I love my self and my life.

How's your ink?

JNET

Leave a Comment

Distilling JNET

2010-08-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

distilling jnet

DISTILL: 1. to subject to a process of vaporization and subsequent condensation…. 2. to extract the volatile components of by distillation; transform by distillation.

I write… to make myself disappear. I play the piano to vaporise myself. I dance to disappear… I do many things to distill myself.

To put my mind on things that take away the weight of self-consciousness. To take myself to a place where the weight of second-guessing and judgement is put aside and I am unhindered by noise within myself and from my immediate surroundings.

It’s a daily meditation to play a piece or recite a poem, creating it, playing it for the hundredth time and giving it a renewed voice and soul.

To make life sound out like a favorite poem. And the only thing that matters is that that word, that note, that sequence of sound was an expression from a place of being true and feeling free.

To distill myself by pressing to make life as beautiful and honest as I possibly can, picking myself up whenever I trip over a measure of time. I resolve to create art instead of indulging disappointment. The next moment a note has a chance to redeem its self.

How would your life sound if you played it out loud?

JNET

Leave a Comment

blogarama.com

2010-07-23T17:43:00.001-07:00

love is… dancing in a thunderstorm

My toddler niece, R, hurled a toy in the air and received a stern rebuking. While my brother stated the hazards of her actions in his “big voice” she came by my side.

JNET: “Did you say sorry?”

She nodded “no” and shrugged her shoulders.

JNET: “You’re meant to say sorry right away when you know you did something naughty. Next time… okay?”

Fast forward several hours into another brother’s home where he was using his “big voice” and reprimanding his daughter – letting her know that cell phone and internet privileges are being suspended…

R: “Somebody’s crying.” My niece reported acting leader of a trio of toddlers. I followed her to the bedroom around the corner. Their older cousin lay on her bed crying. She covered her eyes with a pillow I recognized from when she was a baby herself.

P: “Don’t cry.” One of the babies said in that high baby pitch pixie voice that charmed me despite the somber space. The babies gathered around their older cousin and comforted her with pats.

JNET: “You know your dad is very fair with what he said. He’s adores you and wants the best for you. You need to be stronger and your dad wants you to bump up how you are handling responsibility.”

She stopped crying then. Her mom came in and told the toddlers to follow but they stayed because the leader of their pack wanted to remain for the conversation. M got up to blow her nose.

P: “That was a lot.” Her pixie voice broke the silence with her observation. The babies looked at each other in agreement and then looked at their older cousin and then shrugged their shoulders. The situation seemed under control. The crying had ended.

JNET: “Okay I think you know what you need to do. Do what your dad asked. We’re going to go downstairs now. Everyone give M a hug.”

They lined up and gave her a hug and then I led the troop of toddlers to continue their play downstairs.

Within a couple of hours, both my brothers were on a project building something for the house. M handed over her phone to her dad and the trio of toddlers were bouncing on the couch cheering the dads on saying…

“We love daddy. We love daddy.”

It a full family day, we weathered a day of sunshine and rain, birthday cake and a bit of mess… the lightning flashed and thunder roared and I felt proud to see that love is… love happens… even in thunderstorms.

JNET

Leave a Comment

SPEECH: Defining Mother

2010-07-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

speech: defining mother

Who here is a mother?

According to Mr. Webster here...

you are

a female parent.

How many people here have or know a mother?

Mr. Webster has a couple more definitions that we can play with.

Mother...

a woman of authority... mother... source, origin.

How would you define "mother" succinctly to juice up a pocket dictionary?

I was amused by Mr. Websters definition of parent; one who begets or brings forth offspring. I like "brings forth offspring." It sounds like you're growing a garden. But begets? Begets sounds like a funny word. Mr. Websters says to beget is to become the father of.

Become the father...

Well, Mom did that every time Dad set off for work or set off to sea. She definitely shined her begetting badge when she was be-giving me a lecture.

Let me give you the juice on my source, my female parent, my woman authority who held god-like mystical status during my childhood and maintains angel status now and through-out.

My mother grew up without toys; without store bought toys. Her siblings built kites and made cars out of cans. They also played with whatever amusement a leaf, nut or rubberband could lend. It wasn't because they couldn't afford toys. It was her family that gave loans to relatives and neighbors to grow their farms and businesses. If there was a family in town that could have toys; it was her family.

Her family just never valued toys or playing. Her primary role as a child was to study and become a grown up. Despite never having toys and a childhood that many of us take for granted, Mom valued playfulness. Like a jewel to be kept safe, she put it away. Her playfulness that she had put aside now pays off in family game nights, on-line scrabble games, facebook hellos with smiley faces, and it wouldn't be frowned upon to see a little wind up toy like this march across the dinner table.

My mother did not grow up with toys. My mother also did not grow up with hugs. Not only was sentiment not encouraged, communication was also limited to daughters talking to the mother and sons only with the father. If her father had something to discuss with my mom, his message was given via her mother. Back talking was also forbidden. She was not allowed to disagree with her parents. She was to only listen and take responsibility.

You would think this life of hers was stifling. Not for my mother.

It was house rules; respect rules that she honored. Outside of her home at school and church, my mom took on leadership roles where she enjoyed speaking out and taking a stand. And she learned that there were kind ways to take on the most uncomfortable situations. Her stories of speaking her mind are my favorites. She challenged her professors, the nuns at church then as a teacher, her students and their parents. My mom can shoot you down clean like a sniper and you would like and appreciate it.

My favorite stories center around my mom and dad, of course.

There was a time in their young marriage when my dad got upset at my mother talking on the phone. He was also dealing with feelings of jealously that I hear is common in men during the beginning years of being married. My dad took all the phones out and away from the house. He wanted to make my mom be a certain way but she stood up for herself and reminded him that he chose to marry her. Changing her name didn't mean that she no longer existed. She said it in such as way that he got it. He understood her, she got the phones back... and new wall to wall carpeting as well.

Not growing up with toys, hugs and the right to disagree did not make mother sullen, dull, boring, or angry or reckless.

It made her clever..... to allow her playfulness for another day, to enjoy hugs finally from her children - she would come home from work asking out loud,

"Where are my kids? Where are my hugs?"

and to create her own spaces to be fully expressive. She hugs my grandmother now. New house rules; my mom's rules.

I can tell you about the honors my mom has received from her life as a student, an educator, an employee, a church leader and community volunteer, but I wanted to share rather what makes my mom honorable.

How would I define mother?

A female parent... yes.

A woman of authority... yes.

My source and origin... yes.

I would define mother as: woman who defines herself and gives life.

JNET

Leave a Comment

POEM: Crossing the Bridge

2010-06-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

poem: crossing the bridge

I can't stay here; standing alone in the dark
Patiently weathering the winds of indecision
When I know I will stay warm
By just walking on toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Patiently I speak to the wind and don't expect to control the clouds.
And I hear the voice of Wisdom and feel a warmth coming from the Unknown compelling toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Wisdom gives me comfort to laugh with the Unknown and
Feel the warmth of uncertainty
And the surprise that I am not alone as
I'm crossing the bridge.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Copyright ©2010 J R Hollyday

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2010-06-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

no good deed goes unpunished

Everything happens for a reason. And though some things are really terrible; there are some truly wonderful things happening as well.

I'm very sad, I'm devastated, I'm disappointed, I'm shocked. On the other side, I am not saddled by another person's weakness, I'm am free and strong on my own. I am not being manipulated by compliments nor reaped by another's needy fears and my life is stable enough to write and reflect. And I am able to take stock of what is good and honest in my life without distraction

I'm feeling a mix of emotions and I feel restless... almost like I am anticipating something but I am not sure what to expect. It is an interesting place to sit where I juxtapose hope and hurt.

I'm a dopamine tornado inside.

Fortunately, I can't be swept by any of it. My leisure reading is "How We Decide" by author Johah Lehrer. He wrote another book titled "Proust Was A Neuroscientist."

I indulged my tears. Now its time to fortify and rebuild my broken kingdom after the looters have laughed and left. I've been made sport of in typical los angeles fashion.

I can only imagine the kind of misery that must fester in CS and her friends. I used to think well of CS. Its getting harder to think well of her "innocent" friends.

My friends have been very supportive and responsive saying that it is unfortunate but true that there are very bad people looking to taking advantage of the generous spirit of others. If you want to read on the psychology of how victims attack those that try to help them, I've found an article by Dr. Sanity on blogtalk radio very helpful and comforting.

Who am I to help someone think that there is still good on this planet? Some people are so twisted that they feel entitled to help and only on their terms. I'm not one to enable dysfunctional behavior. I'm a teacher and a teacher of the arts; my life work is to teach people to express themselves beautifully and honestly and with an authentic voice.

I am aware that people have their baggage; their worries; their stuff and have coached my students to work beyond that and create wonderful work. But my students pay for my coaching and I am respected for my work.

Helping a "friend" is another thing. I now know that I never had a friend if basic human decency is aborted when I tried to make a stand for myself and instead is shown ingratitude and malice. My help was not a gift to her but rather something she felt entitled to. She felt no need to keep my friendship when my help was no longer on her terms.

I contacted one person in her family that I thought might be able to help her from creating any further damage. I asked them - "Isn't betraying a friend in this dimension and breadth something to consider that all is not right with her world?"

I grew up valuing personal responsibility. It is empowering to own and win one's life over the daily trials. But knowing one person who would throw away personal responsibility, I've found a world of others connected to her that also throw away personal responsibility. The conversations have been discouraging and uninspiring. I am present to weakness.... so much brokenness.

How to act out of love and wisdom is difficult when you are faced with persons who act out of pretense or pathology. There are many who choose to live an unexamined life.

I suppose I need to keep a safe distance from people who feel that way as I rebuild jnetsworld.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Being Strong Was Not Easy Today

2010-06-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

being strong was not easy today

I could not find a way to console myself today. All the thoughts that I enjoyed in peace and solitude that seemed to hold me together scattered into different directions. Being strong was not easy today.

I sat with my disappointments over false friends. I chided myself for being too forgiving and wanting to believe that people do want to do good. I sat with the fact that my world had been breached by “nice people” who twisted friendship with smiles and flattery but were at a deficit. They needed a safe place to recoup as long as their needs and actions remain unquestioned.

I asked questions. I asked kindly. I said things like… I can afford to love you… but I cannot afford to pay for your life when I needed a friend/roommate to stop needing me to catch her. And I offered her to stay for free in my home… but that I needed to rent the room so that I can have order in my home. And what does my friend do?

She contacted all our mutual friends to vilify me and attempt to slander my reputation. She and her boyfriend evoked the name of God in self-righteous texts and then threatened to go through whatever legal process they could to make sure that I lose my apartment that I’ve been living in since I’ve moved to Los Angeles. She reminded me that it was illegal to sublet to a friend (the building manager knew as well as the property owners were aware). Nonetheless, I found her words unexpectedly mean, threatening and non-christian.

Why? She was a friend that I thought I was being helpful to. I knew she was going through trouble and then she was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. Thankfully, she was okay to walk away. She continued to want to build her life and I thought that was admirable. I loaned her my car to help her get to her doctors appointments. But money…. the rent… she needed subsidizing and I wasn’t in the position to take care of her and myself comfortably.

I asked questions. And the main one of when did she expect the settlements to pay her so that she can truly say her life is in the up and up…. didn’t get answered.

She didn’t want to pay, nor ever planned to, therefore, she scripted a random blow up on an unsuspecting Saturday afternoon, to make an exit.

So today, I sat with the feeling you get when someone you love is someone that never had much love or respect for you in the first place.. I sat with the feeling you get when someone you wanted to give a chance to make good on promises and thanks for your goodwill - instead chooses to insult you and threaten to harm and creates ways to undermine you. I sat with the sadness that comes at seeing that there are betrayals because some people have a history of cutting people off because they aren’t creative enough to be honest or kind and cruelty and apathy is easier for them.

I sat with a sadness that weighed so much that I couldn’t breathe when I gave it a voice and confided my disappointment to a friend.

It was the first time I allowed myself to cry over it since it happened in April. I will not cry over it again. It is midsummer and my “friend” has not returned or made any attempt to reconcile what she has done.

This is the first time I’ve made any mention toward details. I suppose I was hopeful that she would come up with a really cool way to say that she had been un cool and make up for her transgressions. Thank me for protecting her secrets and troubles and saw that I only mentioned something when her life was actually harming me.

How absolutely nonsense of me to think. Huh? I like making room for miracles. As for this last and lost friendship… I am no longer inspired.

I cried for the first time today over it. And now….I’m done.

JNET

Leave a Comment

your heart versus your mind

2010-06-23T02:54:00.000-07:00

your heart versus your mind

Its the fight of the century.. its all you.. and everyone else is fighting the same battle.

Thing is… its a myth… something to dream up to make life a certain flavor. It brings in prepackaged confusion, frustration and indecision. It romanticizes betrayals and reckless actions and non-actions. Pitting your heart and mind against the other makes you too tired to notice that it digs holes that will only bury you.

Why hadn’t you considered that your heart would be lost without paths your mind illuminates? What hadn’t you considered that your mind would be lost without a heart that intuitively knows so many truths in a glance, can feel itself out from the darkness, know answers in a flash having logged your countless experiences of joy and sadness to know when to throw winning passes under the pressure of the moment.

Maybe you would be in awe of your humanity… to be able to think and to feel… and to intend… between deliberate thought and the spontaneous feeling of the moment for ready answers… if you considered your brilliant design of wise heart and wise mind.

JNET

Leave a Comment

Thinking in the Future Tense

2010-06-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

thinking in the future tense

I almost stepped down from performing a keynote address at Toastmasters last night. I had written a commencement speech to my alma mater’s graduates… class of 2020. Assignment #2 from the “Professional Speakers” advanced toastmaster manual… present an inspirational speech to a specific group of people… speech must be 15 – 20 minutes (more if its okay with the club).

I listened and studied several commencement speeches as well as read transcriptions on well stumbled graduation speeches and was feeling well inspired to write one myself when my computer crashed. It began earlier in the week with a tiny crash which I easily sorted out but computer issues gradually grew into a larger problem that attention to writing my speech was compromised.

All my bookmarked references sat in my fainting computer while I tried to reincarnate my ideas using a friends computer. I really struggled with getting my second wind while I had too many oops moments while trying to navigate myself on an unfamiliar computer. I had to keep pressing forward, I had afterall, written a speech on overcoming challenges and taking a powerful stance in life. It seemed obvious that I had to at least have a go at my presentation despite not having my thoughts as organized as I had liked.

I received good comments and critiques specifically on voice variety and am glad that I showed up to doing the speech anyway. It is also interesting to write a speech to the graduating class of your alma mater. You have to think of yourself in the future tense and consider that you’ve created your success thus making you worthy of being called on for your opinions and wisdoms on living and getting on with grown up life.

Not only did I have the mind spin of thinking of myself in that future tense and then begin the writing exercise of creating the speech, I also had the mind spin of having a lot go wrong on the technical side of things. I had a moment where I felt so wounded when I wanted to remember those perfect quotes and streams of thought that existed as bookmarks stuck in my computer.

Since the speech demanded that I get out of my head and get in that future head instead, I managed almost 9 minutes in front of everyone and presented a decent representation of what I really wanted to present.

I signed up to speak at the next meeting to have another go. I want to expand this interesting game… of speaking before a crowd as your future self.

JNET

Leave a Comment

At Hearts Length

2010-06-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

at heart’s length

Just two notes. Pianissimo. Make it sound like bells that ring in the still of the night. A melody rises in the right hand, accenting the highest points of a phrase. The melody then moves to the left hand, the bass ritardandos to a resolution. And it reminds me of those moments when I spy the moon and have a quiet conversation with the sky.

53 measures away I arrive to a new world. I leave the bells, the long tones, the quarter notes and block chords. A vamp of sixteenth notes sets me up to a dance; flamenco. Accents of energy and passion, dynamics with staccato demands open to marcato phrases and the build accellerates to a tremolo finally at measure 133. Finally… because this section makes me wish I had bigger hands. This is where my dance feels wild. I land the chords through good fortune. I’m not sure how to love this particular section. Its exhilarating and accidental if it do it well… at least for now. Its a nice place to play from unfettered instinct. Thankfully, the tremolos are redeeming.

The first tremolo phrase is fortissimo for four measures and then answered by four more measures but this time in pianissimo and eight measures send me into a transition where a lot of energy crescendos into measure 149….

Tranquillo… back to the bells. Back to section A and B but this time reminiscing a memory…

Andres_Segovia – Tog_-_09_- Cordoba_Albeniz.mp3

And what memory is that?

It’s a piece that makes me think of how it feels to be in love. It’s playful, its demanding yet so meditative with a shot of adrenaline.

Now how would life sound to you if you danced with every measure? How would life sound if you were so captivated by the moment? What does it take to become part of the music? How clearly do you hear your song? Are you at heart’s length?

A thought from the piano bench…

JNET

Leave a Comment

Another 24 Hours of Silence

2010-06-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

another 24 hours of silence

M: “You spent your Friday night alone, cousin?”

JNET: “I played the piano, made a nice dinner for myself, lit the candles, poured myself a glass of wine and enjoyed some sanity.”

I’ve just spent the last month side-stepping mad trains of thought from people that “felt” noisy ; too excitable or emotional. Perhaps they were responding to the open space that resulted in my own theatre of life and felt that the stage needed some “color and sound.”

I closed the stage off. There is only one chair, one mic and one light. And that chair is for me.

Stretching to find my voice again, distilling myself from imposing persons and personalities. …

Returning from the silence….

JNET

Leave a Comment

to my favorite nut

2010-06-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

happy birthday pistachio

25 random things about JNET

2010-06-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

25 random things about JNET

Consider doing this… its a good introspective exercise.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I don’t know how to change a diaper. I think I’ve fed a baby once (my niece).

2. I’ve slept with a night light or with a lamp on for most of my life. Now, I just light tea lights and sleep with a sleep mask.

3. I love being a piano teacher and yes, just about all of my students practice. It makes me terribly disappointed and frustrated when they don’t practice – but they think its cute how I get upset. I don’t feel cute when I am upset. Being patient is an art form. Some days I don’t feel so artistically “patient”.

4. When I get very upset or stressed or sick, I faint. I try not to get to that point. It’s embarrassing.

5. JNET food corner: Doughnuts and beer. (try it – you’ll be surprised)… Ice cream and french fries (OMG) Many of my close friends can attest to this. I’ve taken Krispy Kreme to a pub and I’ve taken fries to an ice cream parlor. OOOHHH… and rice gives me the hiccups…

6. I don’t have a single childhood friend because I’ve moved so much. (Military brat) CVHS was the first place I spent more than 2 years without major interruption. All the friends I had during childhood were family and navy” family”. We knew and lived that love had nothing to do with convenience and circumstance having loved ones away most of our lives. Love is a powerful choice that doesn’t sway with emotions and surpasses circumstance and distance

....at least that’s what I came away with from childhood.

7. I am extremely protective of my family and friends and enjoy the world I build with them. Love and loyalty connects us. Anyone who is questionable in character finds themselves at the end of the long table.

8. I collect people who are honest and generous and have skills in diplomacy that I think collectively we can save the world with our individual projects and respective lives.

9. My father passed away when I was little and my mother has always been an extremely independent and strong woman. I still have trouble wondering what to do with a man as a permanent fixture in my home. Fortunately, this hasn’t prevented great men from blessing my life and becoming permanent fixtures despite myself.

10. I adore the two most important men in my life; my brothers who are admirable examples of loving, hard-working, honest gentlemen. They’ve set the bar high. Another reason why I am picky. The male friends I keep in my circle are wonderful though. You’re extra special if you’ve met my brothers.

11. My dad put boxing gloves on me when I was 5. I own a pair of pink ones today as a tribute to him.

12. I don’t own a television and I’ve never owned one since I left home. I hated competing against it when practicing the piano while growing up. I’ve had countless people offer to give me televisions. They only reason I would consider having one now is so that I can play Rock Band.

13. Even though I’ve been dancing since I was 5, performed in show choirs and dance with KNL, pirouettes make me ill. I used to be able to do floorwork with pleasure but somewhere between high school and now, I developed an upset of motion and heights. I am working on this. I can do double turns in salsa though… as long as my partner doesn’t let go :)

14. My upset over motion and heights got so bad that I got ill on swivel chairs and climbing spiral stairs. While in England I noticed the grannies overtaking me up the cathedral stairs and I was hyper-ventilating, I decided the best way to snap myself out of my fear was to go skydiving. I haven’t been afraid of heights since. Still need to work on the pirouettes.

15. For someone that gets dizzy in a swivel chair, I don’t mind driving a car at 120mph.

16. I drive a VW bug because I feel like a speed demon at 60mph. Its also fun. A white, pretty 78′ convertible (that’s worth a double slug bug punch). My favorite teacher from 4th grade, Ms Cameron, incidentally also drove a white VW.

17. I am not a strong swimmer. But give me a life jacket or raft, I’ll go.

18. I love being alone. My best memories are of moments in solitude. I am never lonely and therefore never felt anything amiss while enjoying my own company. But I always welcome hellos from friends and family.

19. This is the first year that I am considering building a relationship seriously and breaking my ascetic sensibility. I think driving a car at 120mph is easier.

20. I have always chosen to live in places that is west facing, sunny and with a view of trees or a large garden estate. The last place I lived was facing the Fens Rose Garden and the Boston Museum of art. I had a gorgeous magnolia tree outside my window and a bag piper played at sunset during the summer. If you think where I live is incredible… wait til you see where I live next. I don’t know where that will be… but I know it will be beautiful.

21. I blogged for a couple of years before letting anyone know that I write. Writing makes me feel sane where music notes are not enough.

22. I know how to aim well with a rifle or shotgun. I took a training with LAPD instructors. They told me if I continued practicing, I’d make a good sniper.

23. Pajamas. My favorite apparel. I’ve rocked them out in public on a dare.. jewelry and high heels. I’ll probably be wearing them when my friends come by with their final respects (at my funeral).

24. I love sequence. I mean… I REALLY love sequence. If we haven’t played together yet nor made a meal together, then we are not close close friends yet. Don’t worry if we haven’t played a boardgame and shared a meal though. It takes time to build a friendship.

No rush.

:)We should play a round of sequence soon though… !

25. Lastly… I love animals but I am allergic to them :( I want to have a pair of kittens someday… maybe a puppy and bunny too.I already have names chosen for them.

JNET

Leave a Comment

24 hours of Silence

2010-05-31T03:00:00.000-07:00

24 hours of silence

I am a bit scrunched up.

But I am in a far better place. I’ve just read through the past couple years of my blog and it started to hit home that I’ve been doing my best being a negativity slayer and didn’t realize that I needed to be a better vampire slayer.

My closest friends pointed out that I’ve had a string of leeches these past couple of years that have been compromising my energy and goals. Several had shared words with me trying to save me some grief much earlier. But I had tangled myself in social circles that took time to extricate myself from. Anyone who knew me during my pre-L the roommate times knew that I had been living independently and was doing well and it was bringing a roommate into my life that paved the beginning of a path that would shut down jnetsworld.

I got distracted by people who are no longer in my life… who were here for the “party” but who I had to kick out when they didn’t understand that I needed to have my life back. They got attached to a buzz that no longer had anything to do with me.

“This is my favorite restaurant.” Someone joked while I was busy in the kitchen. Everyone left, leaving the dishes for me.

It was nice to have my place buzzing with life. But I see now that it was a poor substitute for what family is… and real friends.

My real friends were busy with their respective lives and could only check in with the occasional phone call between projects and traveling. But those that were able to witness the “carnage” told me that they felt that I had let in a lot of leeches and parasites.

It was hard to have my boundaries respected… it got to a point where I had to let them know to stay away and at regular intervals. People didn’t want to wait to be invited… since I have a habit of disappearing… sometimes for weeks at a time. And so… they persisted and insisted upon my attentions. It felt like being forced to keep a television on… loud and at a channel that you didn’t choose.

Try living this way for two full years to oblivious” well meaning” people. My attempts at making boundaries for myself had been met with conversations that I was fearful and angry. I became the psychology project to fix. Little of the boundaries were respected and many many more futile conversations drove me to a silence where I didn’t have a life worth writing about.

And the things worth writing about… I didn’t have enough quiet time to collect myself and be able to celebrate them. In the past two years, I’ve danced at the Ford Theatre, the Hollywood Bowl and in Acapulco. In the past two years, I learned a lot about photography, got into underwater photography for a summer, took a shark dive and was part of a project called Candy Wax Cutie and recently enjoyed a huge gallery event where my behind the scenes stills for fashion shoots flashed on television screens through out a fashion show event.

And I never wrote of these huge events because I allowed people to impose themselves on me that I had little thought and energy left for myself. I kept my spirits up so that I could continue functioning to grow my work and projects.

Yet, I allowed them to impose themselves on me that I was physically sick for a good amount of that time, needing medication when I’ve never had even a mere sniffle. I couldn’t breathe…literally. And I broke into hives every day.

Running off to my work gave me some time to feel like myself; feel like I was creating success though I lived in a vacuum.. And now that I’ve been on that jacked up space of workaholic / chasing solitude to recalibrate whenever I can squish a thought for myself for so long -I’m only beginning to return to that quiet place where I can write and begin thinking again at the piano… and not feel like a ghost of a person.

And it is so strange that I had tried to build friendships with people who didn’t think to contribute to my life unless I asked and made specific demands. I remember many moments where I did share with them my frustrations and made requests and in that space of trying to be forthright, I didn’t see that the whole friendship was on their terms; conditional.

They are no longer in my life. I could no longer sustain myself under their conditions that I invited them out the door indefinitely. It was useless trying to defend myself with another conversation that I needed to deal with fear and hurt or that I shouldn’t have to get in a huff over not having any privacy or quiet time.

I see now that what I was hoping to enjoy was a sense of family. I gave these people a safe place to land but they took me for granted. They never got to know me nor what my world meant to me. They never got to know my dreams and because of that, they will not be part of my future.

E-moo “Why didn’t you just ask me to leave?”

JNET: “I never invited you to come over. Why couldn’t you have waited for that!”

Every exchange was agitated and I was the only unhappy one. And that little piece of disregard led others to follow suit and take their advantages because they were under the impression that e-moo was the “man of the house”. Every single person that was a mutual through him gave me the same oblivious disregard.

R: “He set the energy going …. that neediness to be a leech to your life. And lots of people took advantage. You’re just getting to a place where you are leech-free.”

JNET: “L, began the path… E-moo just paved it and everyone else walked on it. I don’t think I’ll ever let people get into my life like that ever again. It wasn’t my style. I explored making new friends to stretch my world and found that jnetsworld stopped belonging to me.”

I’m reclaiming myself and my world. I want to enjoy my life and have time to write of a life worth writing about. If you see me drop off the edge of the world again…

Then maybe you’ll know like my closest friends knew and were concerned about…. that I’m not doing well.

I’ve just spent over 24 hours inside intentional silence to heal myself and counter the choking silence that a noisy life created. I’ll be spending the next season rebuilding JNET… and rebuilding jnetsworld…

A place where I write of manifesting my dream future… bitty blog by bitty blog.

I can breathe now… and I haven’t broken out into hives in months.

I need to be a negativity slayer AND vampire slayer.

JNET

QUIET in JNETSWORLD... please....

2010-05-23T03:16:00.000-07:00

I am living solo and enjoying a new peace of mind. I think I'll consider a no roommate life indefinitely. Roommate as defined as having a person share living space for the prominent reason of surviving on a financial basis.

ABC: "Relationships are ruined by money."

JNET: "Relationships are ruined by lack of respect, kindness and graciousness. Blaming money is a lazy choice and you avoid looking into the whole relating part."

Anyway, a huge noise in my life has moved on and I had to realize very sadly that my friend that had lived with me was doomed from the beginning compromised by the things on their plate of life. I will be more discriminating in who to help and be close to in the future.

Who am I to be helpful anyway? I have enough on my plate.

It was naive of me. I know that now. But we all do that sometimes, care about someone that proves to be not such a wise idea after all is said and done. The social currency went out of balance when no quantity of compliments could cover the incurring sense that I was not as cherished a friend.

I find myself retreating now. I am not feeling like obliging an audience with just anyone who wishes to say hello or even be helpful. Especially if they are saying hello from a darkness that I do not understand or a darkness that they seem more comfortable with than I would.

Hark! Who goes there?

A friend.

What friend would I want to refuse to join my world that celebrates love, friendship and family? Will I now refuse the friend that is in trouble?

I will be refusing those who do not help themselves, have created a lifestyle depending on the goodwill of people and have a casualty list of those that got squashed while trying to catch them.

G: "It happens. Losing friends."

JNET: "It happens? Its still doesn't make it something to be apathetic about when it is happening more often that you'd like to admit. I may get engaged into my work but I don't drop friends."

Building one's world and one's life is an act of love and creativity. And one's world is a precious space and that value extends to friends and family. Many many many came to my side immediately and took initiatives into healing my space. I am grateful for that and it made me realize that my home is a safe place for many friends.

For now, I am choosing solitude and being more discriminating. My truest friends stand at the ready while I rest from the "construction".

Now it is I who is rebuilding myself.

JNET

Minding the Silence

2010-02-28T14:25:00.001-08:00

It's so easy to miss those tiny notations of silence sometimes. Afterall, aren't the notes the most important things to pay attention to?

Rests are so.... slight... so abstract. These squiggles, dashes and numbers that dictate silence in a score demanding that we delay sound for less than a blink or sometimes much much more.

You learn to anticipate well

You learn to anticipate well and perhaps learn how to make the notes meaningful. What? You don't only have to work on mastering notes but you have to master the silence that punctuates the sound too?

Yes.

Else you step into a space not meant for you... else you ring out a note into a space that makes the harmony muddled and create dissonance... else you step into the void and find that everyone will be joining you in 4 more bars and you get to embarrass yourself.

What's the point of trading solos if you can't mind your silence? How moving can the music be can be if we "played" the rests well?

Some thoughts to play with.

JNET
.

If I Hadn't Been in the Habit of Writing...

2010-02-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

If I hadn't been in the habit of writing about my world, would I have realized that it is so grand?

Troubled times lends to tunnel vision and I've managed to keep my spirits flying, creativity dancing, and hope still growing despite skirting sadness and strife from neighboring kindgoms, war and deceptions across the river and feeling the momentary weariness that overwhelms me during random seconds of time.

If I hadn't been in the habit of writing, would I have realized that I look at life as poetry, as a dance as well as a sonata? And if I hadn't been in the habit of writing, would I had been able to refer to favorite memories, snippets of conversations that made me all the wiser and see that I have a kingdom of people beside me and before me making the world I experience a magnificent and special place.

Would I had been able to see that I slay dragons and host festivals? Visit wonderlands and weather storms? And see that life never has a boring moment when you play with words, notes, and pictures before an audience of kindred spirits that span the world over.

If I hadn't been in the habit of writing, would I have realized that my solitudes blesses me with creativity and strength and not a day goes by without my recognizing that I am loved and respected enjoying the spaces of my silence to reflect on how amazing the whimsical and revered adventure is. Writing and poetry, dance rehearsals and a few seasons with a ladies Bible study, paced onto travels to foreign lands, podcasting an internet radio show, photoshoots with Candy Wax Cutie and a Toastmasters Club in Toluca Lake.

And if I hadn't been in the habit of writing, would I have realized that as I am a musician, a dancer, a poet; so is everyone? Everyone has a song, a poem and knows when something moves them. And perhaps if they also wrote...

Would they see how grand their world is too?

jnet

The Art of Listening

2010-02-22T10:23:00.001-08:00

JNET: "Listen for your mistakes. You're to see if you can find them first and fix them before I must point them out to you."

XYZ: "Why don't you just stop me right away if I make a mistake?"

JNET: "I think it is a slower way to learn; to stop at every single mistake."

If we were to stop at every single mistake then I wouldn't be able to point at a pattern of mistakes. And yet it happens, my student will play a sequence of notes and then hit a screaming halt where we listen in silence; their big eyes staring at me for direction and validation.

JNET: "You know how to read music. Read the note."

Sometimes the students stares further, begging for a quick answer. The gap of silence grows and I sit with it. I don't care. Thinking shouldn't have to be something awkward to be avoided. I invite my student to think. I have to get literal on them. Tell them to look at the paper and think. I also raise a paper to cover my face.

XYZ: "Just tell me!"

JNET: "That would be too easy. You know how to get to the answer and you want me to support you to be lazy. Come now. You are not a lazy person. Are you? Anyway, stop staring at me for the answer. Are there notes on my face?"

It takes a lot of patience to listen to mistakes. Teaching a student to be patient with their own self so that they can anticipate where their mistakes comes from is a lesson on self-awareness that a 6 year old can grasp yet a 16 year old may stumble over.

XYZ: "Wait... wait... don't tell me. I got it under control."

JNET: "Sure you don't want me to point to the notes for you."

XYZ: "No pointing! I can handle this."

Sweet words from a mindful student. If you can listen to yourself and modify mistakes. If you can think for yourself and master a new piece, what in life can stop you for expressing something beautiful and on purpose?

There more to music lessons than notes.

JNET

Please Bring Me Flowers and Leave Your Broken Heart At the Door

2010-02-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

I threw a sweet little funny valentine party, my response to the anti-valentine, jaded love sentiment. Think homeroom with Miss JNET.

I wanted to host an event that engendered HOPE. Hope is something that 7 year olds have in ready supply. Its another story for many once they exit high school .

Was it the candy grams and little cards of school life that sustained our delicate hearts before we hit college and work? Is it the love and security that we received from parents that leaves us feeling lost after flying the nest?

How's a person to navigate in a world that they think is cold?

Chop wood and make a fire!

In other words, work and create it.

I want hope in my life, happiness, and joy and so I design it. Every person, every hour, every conversation becomes a mindful choice... as well as UNchoice. Where the vision of hope, happiness and joy becomes blurry or thwarted on purpose, I let go. I leave it outside my house.

But inside my house, Valentines evening.... I'm serving candy hearts and cocktails. And my friends are writing little cards to one another. The nightmare dating story didn't have room to be indulged when there are more defining things to consider like good friends who have hope and like to laugh.

What to do when the world seems cold?

Chop wood and make a fire.... create the warmth.

JNET

Her Hello To Be Mean-Spirted

2010-02-09T06:52:00.001-08:00

Fortunately, it is a rare occurence for I'd rather write of the exciting things that are coming down the pipeline of jnetsworld. But recently, I was surprised to have a guest hello put smugly on my facebook wall. Friends checked in... and my mother called.

I decided to check out www.urbandictionary.com for the meaning of my name since it was the novel status update of the moment that my friends were playing up. My friend, BT, complained that his stood for British Telecom, Bible Thumper or Bong Tokes for lack of a colorful meaning. Mine on the other hand was a fun one and so I posted it.

JNET: A beautiful, sexy, and intelligent woman. Unique. DON'T let her go once shes yours. If you have lost her already- get her back. She will prove to be the best in every aspect. Jeannettes like romance, make a standout gesture.. To get what you really want you have to take a chance. Risk it all or lose it all.

Cool, I thought. I liked it and shared. It was met with enthusiasm by my friends and my mom congratulating herself for picking a good name. The innocent fun got a slap by a surprise hello from someone that had never bothered to post anything on my wall ever before. I was taken back.

K decided to take a different voice and drop an unsolicited stink bomb. Nevermind that I never held ill feelings toward her and even thumbs up'd several great photos in her album to celebrate vicariously her happiness. The only thing I could think of was that she was sticking her nose in business that was not hers and rather choosing to discourage any chance of creating further connection.

Her curt comment was upsetting and perhaps that will be her pleasure. I am accustomed to being able to clear communication and confront misunderstandings right away. But what is one to do when an acquaintance who I have less than three conversations a year takes a butter knife jab at me? What do you do with contempt from left field?

FRIENDS: "Get rid of her. What is she doing being counted as your friend? Remove her!"

I am lucky that I have loyal friends to stand by my side immediately. They've been busy making lemonade. Remove her? She's supposed to be like family.

This unfortunately does not bode well for a particular suitor and my enthusiasm to join his family. It was his sister's comment that brought alarm causing my mom to call and ask about it.

Shall I put the blame on impetuous youth? The planets being misaligned? Is Mercury in retrograde? How to forgive this certain transgression? Did I even have a friend remotely in her? Was she full of pretense? Or is she plainly mean spirited? Someone that I wouldn't want around my someday children?

She did afterall proudly introduce herself as a "bitch" to me at her own birthday party. And with this blog entry, I leave her, it, to stand as is, my status update that I thought was fun - disrupted by an energy that I am at a lost in creating a resolution.

Her ways do not make sense to my world. I create art. I want to make life beautiful... not just pretty in the surface.

So what's a negativity slayer to do? How to build a bridge when one finds that the ground one stands on is hostile? Is it wise to grow futures on land that has mines? Is this subtlety indicative of dynamics I need to be mindful of? Doesn't everyone learn the rule that if you have nothing nice to say... say NOTHING? Before kindergarten?

JNET

Here follows the post of a different world crashing up against jnetsworld:

Status update posted on facebook to entertain myself.. placed before 500+ friends, students and colleagues....

JNET: A beautiful, sexy, and intelligent woman. Unique. DON'T let her go once shes yours. If you have lost her already- get her back. She will prove to be the best in every aspect. Jeannettes like romance, make a standout gesture.. To get what you really want you have to take a chance. Risk it all or lose it all.

Jeannette

I like it :)

February 4 at 11:37am

James

Wow. The more I get to know you the more I like... ; )

February 4 at 1:00pm ·

Jeannette

Thanks bro! Send my regards to the phamily :)

February 4 at 1:11pm ·

Kristina

I don't believe in these things. However, I guess it can be entertaining regardless if it's true or completely imaginary.

February 4 at 3:55pm ·

Paula

Re: the post above mine - I don't think anyone really believes urbandictionary.com is going to define them or their personality by their name. It is definitely for entertainment purposes, as are most facebook posts!

February 4 at 4:34pm ·

Kristina

agreed.

February 4 at 6:16pm

Jessie

that's right beezy... Let's not be haters... Love me some jnet.

Sat at 7:29pm ·

Michael

Definition seems to be missing some stuff, like ambition, drive, and huge smiles.

Sun at 11:56pm.

Romantic Nonfiction

2009-12-09T10:54:00.002-08:00

MM: Please tell me a JNET story.

JNET: Of what genre would you like your story in? :) Would you like to hear the JNET fairy tale story? the adventure one? the ???? one? Name it... and you will have a story :)

MM: Romantic nonfiction please.

A blog entry and exercise just for my friend MM.

ROMANTIC NONFICTION

ROMANTIC: 1. suggestive of the world of romance (jnetsworld is that and a bag of chips!) 2. characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved (living IS loving for a negativity slayer) 3. displaying or expressing love or strong affection (mwuah mwuah mwuah) 4. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit (JNET is INTJ) 5. of or pertaining to a musical style characteristic chiefly of the 19th century and marked by the free expression of imagination and emotion, virtuosic display, experimentation with form, and the adventurous development of orchestral and piano music and opera.... (What would Beethoven do? is JNET's favorite question)

NONFICTION: the branch of literature comprising works of narrative prose dealing with or offering opinions or conjectures upon facts and reality, including biography, history, and the essay

MM, here is my narrative imaginative introspective.

JNET has been romancing life. You can go through the archives. I've romanced over music; surrendering seasons to Debussy and Albeniz and writing about travels to exotic places around the world to taking pictures of sharks, hiking various urban meccas and diving out of planes.

I've studied tango and salsa but I REALLY want to study flamenco dance. I bought the special shoes and everything but somehow get pulled into social dancing circles that have nothing to do with flamenco dance. Salsa and tango are just irresistible flirts when its really flamenco that I have my eyes (or feet) set on. Meanwhile, I do dance and perform with Kayamanan Ng Lahi, a folks arts group of my peeps from my nick of the pacific. Rehearsal and performance are exercise disciplines.

Its all about writing, teaching the piano, and photography at the given moment. And my dance partner is LIFE.

What kind of romantic nonfiction is THAT?

In other words, onay on the oyfriendbay estionquay :)

I have my muse... who I call the mathematician. I won't write about him at this given moment but I do credit a good deal of my work through the years on account of his counsel and inspiration.

And who needs an oyfriendbay henway my orldway is urroundedsay by so anymay amazing riendsfay, amilyfay embersmay and ovinglay eoplepay?

There's a long story, you see. A good one. Life has me on the edge of my seat. I hadn't quite got the dance of work and true love down but the choreography is being drawn up. Just going for whatever I am going for will pan everything just right in its own timing or God's timing if we want to get specific here :)

Life definitely has a WOW factor over me. Every day has a sense of anticipation and promise. There are just too many coincidences happening on a regular basis that I am fascinated.... I am in a sense "romancing life" and sharing it with someone special is in the works for this happily ever after girl.

From the serene spartan world of the mathematician and imaginative world of candy wax cutie to taking a splash in a shark cage, I can't say that I feel like I'm missing something or someone in my romantic nonfiction story in the making. Everything is in place, I'm just working out my lines on stage and wondering how it all fits together - the future is in the making. May the force be with you as it is with me.

MM. How is this for a chapter of romantic nonfiction?

Cheers. Its a little bit more substance than JNET: single, social butterfly.

JNET

TOASTMASTERS: Securing the Good Life

2009-12-01T00:20:00.000-08:00

If it is in man's heart to be inherently good, then why do we work hard to teach goodness? So many ways to say the Golden Rule:

Islam: "Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you."

Confucianism: "Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself."

Christianity: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Ancient Eygpt: "That which you hate to be done to you, do not do to another"

I wonder if our idealistic notions over innocence and goodness undermine the mindfulness and practice it takes to secure a good life. Do we teach our young people to steal or do we have to teach them to not steal? Do we teach them to hit each other or do we have to teach them to not hit each other? Why do we need to teach people to not lie, not steal, and not harm one another? Perhaps goodness is not quite child's play.

Why bother with learning to live on purpose? There are books, retreats, seminars to attend toward securing the good life. Why so many breaths to ask, "Is this your very best you?"

What is good anyway? Isn't it the equivalent of being boring? Really now, is goodness a desired trait? Perhaps that is why we romance drama, sit on the edge of our seats for heartaches and make bets or cheer over knockouts.

Do we intend toward life going down or up?

Good Evening Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests. My name is JNET and I am presenting my 10th speech tonight titled Securing the Good Life. I hope to inspire you in my final speech completing the Competent Communicator Manual on this final month of the year, to secure the good life, hopefully keeping you on Santa's good side but most importantly your nearest and dearest good side.

Since goodness seems more like a practice or exercise as opposed to this spring of wonderfulness that just bubbles out of us, I will present securing the good life as a stretching exercise.

Everyone breathe. In... out. My first consideration for you is that goodness must begin firstly as an inside job. So breathe. We may have distracting thoughts in just breathing. I'm sure you have found yourself assaulted by them in your stillness. With each exhale, acknowledge that you can overcome doubts and fears. You are an intelligent and creative person created by an intelligence of which you are just a squeaky possibility that can go beyond just feeling and looking good. In this "breathing exercise" consider that you are not just a brownie point earning being but rather you are a vessel for the expression of goodness. Securing the good life begins with allowing the inside job of transformation.

Now everyone stretch. Stretching feels good. Doesn't it. How far do you enjoy your stretches in loving your life and the people in it? Stretching is a way to extend and connect to others. The good life does not come from sitting still and enjoying your transformation all by yourself. So we stretch and we stretch with purpose.

So is securing the good life as easy as breathing and stretching? How many of you exercise regularly every single day? How many of us still need to get those lessons our parents kept reprimanding us over? Don't hurt each other. Don't play too rough. Share!

We live in a world that likes to make fun of goodness and sensationalize badness. Securing the good life can get lost in your next distracted breath and from there we get too busy to stretch. Listen to your personal trainer, listen to your parents. Being on the team is a daily choice. Sometimes it may call for challenging choices like making a stand for yourself and preserving what you believe in. That can be very scary. Isn't it natural to want to run from fear and pain? Isn't that how we are wired?

Consider the ermine. This pretty animal's coat turns pure white during the winter. During other seasons its coat is brown and it is a called a stoat. In art, the ermine is a symbol of purity and the white coat is highly prized. But is this symbol of purity simply about its snow white pretty looks?

Hunting this creature down is interesting. It travels mostly alone and finds shelter in dens. Hunters look for these dens and coat the edges with tar or something sticky before chasing down the ermine. Why? Because when chased it will not go into its den where it will ruin its coat. The ermine will instead face the hunters, the dogs.

How many of us in this natural kingdom of ours face our aggressors? How would that set us apart? Breathe, stretch and make a stand to secure the good life.

JNET

Of Kings and Queens

2009-11-29T09:46:00.001-08:00

I am thankful of the wonderful family I am part of. I am loved and I am honored.

Some families dread being together. Some families are flippant with one another. And some families find comfort in being invisible to one another.

But my family....

Arriving... whether to my mom's or either one of my brothers' homes or even my brothers' in-laws is always like arriving to a castle where there is celebrating. Sound out the trumpets!

My nieces call me Auntie Princess.

Life at the castle... the kingdoms built forth and fortified by my family and extended family is where I come from. Children laughing and running around. There is food celebrated as well as the persons who cooked or baked to be impressed with. Recipes are shared. There is entertainment, a movie watched together, pictures shared, a board game, my video of my dance performance in Acapulco... and lots of conversation woven through-out it all.

Praises towards achievements and encouragements towards goals peppered with lots of good humor is the way we spend our time together whether its the holidays or a random day together. Witty jousting always returns to a respectable close. Touche. And I notice that my brother never misses an opportunity to praise his wife whether in a crowd or in private conversation. NEVER :)

It is always nice to return home to the castle.

Shortly, I return back to my kingdom that I am building.

V: "JNET, we would love you to find someone like I have found in your brother." My sister-in-law is still gushing over my brother and they've been married for many years now.

JNET: "My brothers set the bar pretty high. I'll find my king in time."

Meanwhile, I mind my kingdom. I grow what I am blessed with and I protect what is put in my care. With or without a king, I am loved and honored because I am part of a kingdom.

And

I am Auntie Princess :)

JNET

At the End of Patience

2009-11-23T08:48:00.001-08:00

I have been sick and bound to home for the past week. With fevers in the 100's and chills making me too dizzy to think, I was thankfully in the good care of friends who checked in regularly and brought me soup and good cheer.

A recurring thorn said its well meaning hello and then proceeded to tell me that I was a depressed and sad person that wouldn't be ill...

IF

I would just say yes to the universe for once to "love".

It always amazes me when someone insists in knowing me better than myself.

And this is a well meaning "friend" who promised to visit me and didn't even call when they knew they weren't going to make their appointment with me. TWICE. And this is a well meaning "friend" who criticizes the men in my life for not "taking care" of me when he himself had hired me for some freelance work many many many months ago and has yet not paid me.

I am unloading my well meaning friend now. If he is unaware of his promise making addiction then he is also unaware of my past willingness at forgiveness and patience which only comes from happy and whole people. I had told him as recently as this past month that I was willing to take on projects with him because I found his work interesting. I liked his friend and business partner, P and perhaps vested a good deal of trust on the goodness of P. I found others to work on GP's projects and liked the idea of friends helping friends' projects grow.

A sample of the promise machine's sputterings via text:

28/July Give me your account number. I will transfer money to you now.

Did not happen. I got this text poolside, on vacation. I gave him the info but at a later time... Meanwhile a bit of his life falls apart and he disappears for a bit.

5/October All is well. I will shoot you some money this week.

23/October I just bribed the studio to get me a check today. I know you need it.

28/October Thanks. Friday you get a care package.

Some people say that friends and money never mix. I say bad friends don't come through... whether its money or showing up to your birthday party. And well meaning doesn't mean well when it stops making you feel good about your friend.

This is my goodbye to GP, a once promising friend who became a promise making and breaking friend.

Official closing:

JNET: "I am cutting you loose, GP. I gave it a great deal of thought and thought it best. Good luck. P is a sweet and genuine and a good man (his business partner). Take care of yourself and your friends. Obviously, I am not one of them."

This was his answer.

GP: "We all do the best we can."

I am not inspired.

JNET

Reflections from the Garden

2009-10-29T13:24:00.001-07:00

Everything was perfect...

Until God created women...

That's for the people who have a hard time dealing with women.

Everything was perfect...

Until God created mankind. The planet was clean and the animals were safe from becoming a hamburger.

That's for the people who have a hard time dealing with being human and having to live with other humans.

Take three...

Everything was perfect...

Until God was created. There was no war, no conflict and everything was absolutely rational.

yeah right.

How about everything IS perfect... end of confusion :)

JNET

Crushed Petals

2009-09-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

My mother had a habit of saving flowers that had significant meaning to her. I would find the occasionally random flower pressed between pages of a book. It would be a nice surprise and mom would be happy to tell a story about the flower.

It's nice to think of loved ones through the little momentos they leave.

But what do we do with something the opposite of those pressed flowers?

Someone I was dating but did not feel ready to consider for a serious commitment decided to leave behind momentos that do not inspire warm feelings from me. Behind photo frames, he took the time to write hurtful commentary. And very recently, in my own computer, I found that he wrote a journal spanning almost half the year, complaining about me.

And yet, he gave me flowers and smiled and did things that made me feel very surprised to find his terrible thoughts calling me fearful and divided. He was also angry that I take all my friends to my favorite place, the Huntington Gardens because he wanted to call it our place. I've been going there for years with my family and friends....

And then he lists all the things he does for me and the sacrifices he made (though I did not ask) when he took care of me when I was sick. He wouldn't let anyone else take care of me, not even myself.

So instead of having sweet memories during this time while I take some time to myself, I have crushed bitter petals left to be found at random places as I clean and organize my space. In my private space, he did not leave sweet messages to linger over but rather bitter ones.

He left me home with his bitterness. In my solitude, left to wonder what it means.

And yet, he still says his hellos which I find hard to believe....

This is today's message from him:

Whether I'm happy or sad
Being good or being bad
I may be working or playing
Standing still or maybe dancing
It matters not what I do
I'm always thinking of you

Thinking of what? Of crushing my heart to his delight?

Here's a segment of what he left in my computer while taking care of me while sick... Something I never demanded of him....

"June 10, 2009

I had planned to go out and see friends. I cancelled my plans to take care of you because you were sick.

June 11-13, 2009

Still with you. Cancelled appointments and my weekend plans because I wanted to take care of you.

June 14, 2009

Missed the final Laker game. I missed church. All to stay with you."

I want to marry the kindest person I can find. I don't feel like my heart is safe with this one.... I'm sorry to find crushed petals.

JNET

The Sky Suns Me

2009-09-27T03:26:00.001-07:00

Would the sky ask the flower to grow yellow instead of pink? Would the sky fault a flower's beauty as a bud? Would a flower find fault in the sky if it had too many clouds or too little?

How patient the sky and flowers are with each another.

If only people can be as complementary to one another.

I enjoy the certainty of love from my friends and my family... where conflicts are weathered as temporary changes of temperature that never destroy gardens. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is as sure as the sun returning after a dance with the clouds.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it breaks through the earth towards the warmth.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it is a seed and doesn't know what it is.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower while it takes the rain.

Even though it may rain, even though a cold day may stretch a spell, I'd like to feel the way a flower feels about the sky with certainly and affection... the sky suns me. And the gray sky will turn bright again. The flower lets the sky be the sky and the flower gets to enjoy being a flower; growing to bloom season after season.

Is there compromise in being here? Is there any lack of freedom here? Does resentment grow in gardens? Does the sun dream of fencing in the flowers?

Of many people, I think of love like the flower.... the certainty that the sky suns me.

JNET

Facing Sharks

2009-09-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

I went on a shark dive while on vacation in Oahu.

M: "Were you afraid?"

JNET: "No."

I suppose it seems like an odd thing to do, getting into a shark cage in the middle of the ocean, considering that I do not even know how to swim.

But then, I did also jump out of a plane and I don't know how to fly.

How can I be afraid?

I knew what I getting into... a plane, a shark cage, the open sky, the ocean. I knew I wasn't exactly being a pioneer. Many others before me had enjoyed skydiving and looking at sharks. Some people loved it so much that they created the opportunity to enjoy these activities.

Though I didn't need to know how to fly or swim to enjoy skydiving or a shark tour, I trusted that no one wanted to deal with drama, dead bodies and lawsuits. I wanted an exciting experience. I wanted something memorable and something worth talking about for many years after that to happen. I wanted the "safe" and "thrilling" adventure they promised I would remember forever.

And I got just that, an experience that I loved, that filled me with awe and reverence, that was thrilling and will be something I will talk or write of for many years to come.

Is it worth the risk - this putting myself in the open ocean or open sky?

Is it worth the risk so to be present to beauty, awe and the sense to be absolutely in love with the present moment???

Risk doesn't have to feel scary. Risk can feel beautiful and delicious :)

JNET

TOASTMASTERS: Playing With My Eyes Closed

2009-09-01T03:20:00.002-07:00

How many of you have played games such as "pin the tail on the donkey" or perhaps have been blindfolded to hit a pinata?

"I can do it with my eyes closed."

It's a simple and profound game which my students initiate. They close their eyes and they play something on the piano with their eyes closed and their head held up high. I watch them as they perform proudly.

But is this all child's play, playing pin the tail on the donkey, hitting down a pinata, playing the piano with your eyes closed? How many of you play with life and do things with your eyes shut?

Good evening fellow toastmasters, honored guests, and music students. My name is JNET and this evening I am presenting my 8th speech titled, "Mastery Within the Darkness: A Music Lesson in Seven Minutes. I will be demonstrating my comfort with using visual aids. But before I begin, I put before you a quote to consider as I speak and give you a visual journey,

"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

So how many of you "play" with your eyes closed? What is it to play in that dark space called your mind? Is it really fun? Or is it scary?

Like the deep end of the pool, so is learning to play and stretch your mind. You are beyond notes and staring at black and white. You are in your head and you are looking for the music in the dark.

What is it like? Well, you have no where to hide your mistakes while on a piano bench. I suppose you can pretend to yourself that you didn't hear that string of terribly wrong notes but most likely you'll press forward and play. And like those other childhood games, press on to get it right. Pin that tail, hit that pinata, make music and get the candy.

Mastery within that darkness in your mind is about playing a game with fear.

When I say fear I do not mean that emotional response to a threat. Come back to me, my student, we are simply on a piano bench. There is no need for your survival mechanisms to rev up. There is no threat of pain or danger.

And yet the fear of making a mistake may inspire one to not play at all or to play stilted.

You can't make music this way and playing Life in this matter will undermine your expression of yourself. Therefore, you practice, you know your material. You don't need to see everything but you need vision in your head and you master the darkness in there.

Playing does get easier with practice and you get move on to more advanced pieces where you still practice in the darkness of your mind.

It's an interesting place to play. How many of you cannot play a sonata? Cannot?

This is my recent sonata that I practiced in Hawaii.

I do not know how to swim but I played out anyway because I wanted to do some underwater photography. I hit a lot of wrong notes and got a lot of blurry pictures as well as bruises from the cage. But I eventually got these shark photos.

My conducting professor, Dr. Cokkinias always postulated..

"Life is about practicing; preparing."

And success follows when opportunity meets with your practice.

"It is only with the heart that the one sees rightly."

You don't need to see everything but you need a vision and start playing. Your heart will not be memorizing your mistakes; it'll keep your vision in sight as you plonk your way through the darkness.

"I'm going to play this amazing piece."

And you have a tiny keyboard at home to practice on. And you only have 10 fingers. That's where Beethoven is gonna come out??? Yes!

Well this is my camera; a humble though cute digital camera. What can I take with this thing?

With practice and this instrument, I've taken these recently at a photo shoot. I am surrounded by talented players. Who are believing in me despite my own personal darkness.

I do not know what an F-stop is. I do not know how to control everything perfectly. I play lots of wrong "notes". But like friends at a party, they smile and laugh, put the bat back in my hand and cheer me on to play.

Do you understand how playing with your eyes closed can be fun? And yes scary but worth every bit of practice.

Will you go now and practice with your eyes closed sometimes? Hold on to the vision in your mind as you practice.

And always, have fun.

Thank you fellow toastmasters and honored guests. Your music lesson is over. Go home now and practice and see you next week.

JNET

TOASTMASTERS: Composing My Life

2009-08-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

DO YOU UNDERSTAND FORTISSIMO???

Maybe you do in the space of exciting measures where life announces joyful news, celebrates a win, or even sounds the music of battle and debate.

"I am loved!"

"I won the competition!"

"I'm right.. You're wrong!"

"No, IM RIGHT and YOU ARE A LOSER!!"

"LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!!!"

Fortissimo.

The emotions of happiness and the emotions of anger can also be expressed pianissimo and speak volumes about your gratitude for the blessings you enjoy or your pain that you endure on a prayer.

Fellow toastmasters and honored guests. My name is JNET and I am your music teacher for the evening presenting my 7th speech from the CC manual. My speech tonight is called Composing Life, a Music Lesson in Seven Minutes.

Leonard Bernstein appropriately said that

"To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time."

How many of you know you have the power to create? Then in the musical spirit, I would like to pose this thought, perhaps you can compose too?

Can growing your music skills grow "an admirable heart" as the founder of the Suzuki method purposes?

What happens when you combine curiousity and a musical instrument?
[*bring out instrument]

Compare the experience with watching television. One brings about action in doing while the other fosters passivity. It does take a while to grow an admirable heart though.

You'll learn and care about something called technique through study and excercise.

If and only IF, you care to develop discipline and become an athelete that succumbs lots of hurdles... called YOUR MISTAKES. For you left brainers out there, that means you practice and practice to understand these symbols in black and white and terms in French and Italian until you make very little mistakes and make something beautiful. And for you right brainers out there, it means you practice and forgive yourself enjoying being able to learn from mistakes and love learning music for the experience of the moment while striving for accuracy. And isn't it nice that you are not condemned to be a lefty or righty when it comes to studying music. It's a matter of two hands and two sides of your mind creating TOGETHER to a level of craftsmenship.

Why would you want to develop skills in craftsmenship? It doesn't sound cool and hip. Are you making cabinets? It sounds like a lot of WORK and maybe you don't care to be craftsmen or a maestro.

Maybe you want to be a maestro in different ways? You want to be successful in your career or in your personal life?

Well did you know that Music majors are the most likely group of college grads to be admitted to med school? And a study of 7,500 university students revealed that music majors scored the highest reading scores among all majors including English, biology, chemistry and math.

What skills do you think you would gain from knowing what's going on in black and white in front of you? What hobby makes you study the details in black and white and yet gives you space to be creative to demonstrate your mastery? Where do you practice sustained effort in the space of mistakes? Just to express a melody as you imagined in your head?

I think Life will read differently to you if you all learned read and play music. And I wonder if you would enjoy and travel Life differently if you fed your creative and curious side with a musical vehical. I think you would seek out and follow the fine print in a different spirit from how you pursue other "fine print."

Like this...

Bach Prelude in D minor.....

Allegro moderato... medium fast ...non legato... but not connected rather disconnected... loads of stacatto.

Look at all these fast notes... woo hoo.... and all these get quiet and louder things to pay attention too...

So demanding... so specific..

And yet a worthy way to spend one's quiet time perhaps? You are just as demanding and specific as Bach is with your own life and dreams. How's your technique, composition and performance skills?

????

I end your music lesson now with a quote by Mozart.

"To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop."

See you again next week for your next lesson?

Thank you fellow toastmasters, composers, maestros and honored guests.

JNET

Rugged Angel: Ubi Caritas

2009-06-02T00:58:00.001-07:00

“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”

The notes danced in a cheerful six eight meter. Next to a cluster of medicine bottles, a small candle on the kitchen table was lit, a crucifix supported upright in a small orange juice glass and two women sang a hymn to a congregation of one, Ms. Miramontes.

“Con-gre-ga-vit nos in u-num

Chris-ti a-mor.”

I chose to sit silently in the back pew; the furthest chair at the opposite end of the kitchen table. My stomach sang along. It was half past noon and all that I had for the day was a communion wafer. I annoyed myself with internal chastising for not getting a good night's rest, not having breakfast and feeling frustrated that time with mother on Mother's Day was going to be with other people at other people's homes before making it to the family gathering at my brother's home. For two verses I growled with my stomach before getting reeled into the reality three feet in front of me.

“Exul-te-mus, et in ip-so lu-cun-de-mur.”

A plastic container in the shape of the good lady of hope with a blue cap stood next to the flickering candle. The blue cap was taken off and mom's church sister Miss Lori or "Auntie Lori," blessed Ms. Miramontes with holy water while she sat in a light orange floral flannel nightgown trimmed with white dainty lace. She was frail but proud; weathered but noble. She gave a quiet cough and didn't smile but was unruffled by her condition. She held an air of dignity. My mother continued singing and handed me a hymn book motioning me to join in.

“Ti-me-a-mus, et a-me-mus

De-um vi-vum.”

It was my second "Mass" of the day. The first Mass was celebrated at a high school gym where I sat on a riser directly below the score board with my brother and his family. Mom sat with the choir, a modest collection of young people mixed with the granny club. I didn't sing. I listened. I listened to my nieces laughter, the gentle reprimanding of their parents, and the choir. My brother's babies delighted in the sounds their feet made when they jumped up and down on the shiny court; the guitarist strummed a false chord and the game pressed on. The altar and priest stood centered in the three point area before the basketball hoop while the bulk of the parishioners sat in the perimeter on folding metal chairs. I was content and happy to be away from my Sunday routine of teaching piano lessons in Beverly Hills. I was in the southernmost part of San Diego. I could see Mexico.

"Keep Mom company at her appointments and help her to NOT lose track of time." My brother instructed me earlier that morning when I emerged from the guest room. I had restlessly sat up most of the evening and managed a two hour nap. So it wasn't a surprise that somewhere between the high school gym and the five minute drive to Ms. Miramontes' home, I lost track of that Sunday sort of feeling.

“Et ex cor-de di-li-ga-mus nos sin-cero.”

Thank God the hymn anchored me into the moment. I forgot my nagging stomach. I forgot about the family party that was waiting for my mother and I. And Ms. Miramontes patiently listened to a faster version of the Bible readings. She then assured us that she was fine, had been fed earlier and expected her caretaker to return. Mother's Day wishes were exchanged along with apologies for not being able to stay longer and we hastened from Ms. Miramontes' home to the next appointment where Sunday readings and Ubi Caritas was to be read and sung for the third time.

"Did you see the photographs of Ms. Miramontes? She was very beautiful."

"And still is, Mom."

"Should we call your brothers? We still have one last appointment. The next house might be a bit difficult in getting away. Mr. Rose likes to talk."

"No, let's just text them when we are close to the house. They already know that lunch is delayed. They'll call us if they need to."

Two hours of sleep, no breakfast, lunch delayed, a world away from Los Angeles returned to the old world where I am like a child once again, dragged around to Mom's errands.

"Peanut?"

"No thanks, Mom."

But I wasn't a child anymore. I had lost all my baby teeth, earned my driver's license, and held a degree. I could drive anywhere I want, sleep whenever I wish and enjoy the free will to eat cookies in bed.

But in my world of teaching, paying rent and figuring out the dating and marriage question while having fun with friends for late night meals and laughs, I missed that a cloth of arrogance and ignorance covered me. I had forgotten that I really wasn't a grown up. The people my mother spent her time with on Sunday afternoons were the real grown ups reminding me that I was still growing up. They were several decades ahead of me on the game of Life.

“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”

My mother was right. Mr. Rose loves to talk. Upon entering his home, the eighty something year old puts an orange in my hand.

"Si-mul er-go cum in u-num con-gre-ga-mur:
Ne nos men-te di-vi-da-mur, ca-ve-a-mus."

"It is very sweet." He says in greeting, smiles and then disappears to retrieve Mrs. Rose.

"Ces-sent i-ur-gi-a ma-lig-na, ces-sent li-tes.
Et in me-di-o nos-tri sit Christ-us De-us."

The altar is set up again on the kitchen table. The holy water in the Mary container, the crucifix balanced in a small glass and the communion wafers are in place by the time Mr. Rose returns with Mrs. Rose. He wears a blue button down shirt with stripes. He looks ready for a stroll along the beach. But the furthest he likes to go is his garden. He likes to be near his wife. Mrs. Rose takes her place at the table in a cheerful red and white cotton gown with blue and red flowers on her collar. She's lovely and is also wearing a touch of lipstick. She smiles and gives me a hug right away and I sit down gingerly with the orange still in my hand.

“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”

Mr. Rose recited the Bible readings as well as shared his personal insights during the homily. Mrs. Rose sat serenely through the service while her husband played pulpit from a recliner chair. He was very comfortable sharing how he felt inspired and moved by the words of the good book. We would've enjoyed staying longer to listen.

"Si-mul quo-que cum be-a-tis vi-de-a-mus,"

"Pardon us, Brother Rose." My mother signaled the wise man on his easy chair, "We would stay longer but it is Mother's Day, my daughter is here to visit me and my sons for the weekend."

"Not to worry." Mr. Rose gave an understanding smile and thanked us for humoring his thoughts with him.

"Glo-ri-an-ter vul-tum tu-um, Chris-te De-us."

The visit with the Roses came to a close shortly after.

"Gau-di-um qu-od est im-men-sum, at-que pro-bum"

The candle was blown out, the altar put away, oranges in hand and hugs exchanged.

"Sae-cu-la per in-fi-ni-ta sae-cu-lor-um. A-men."

Mother's Day lunch was celebrated with my two brothers, my sisters-in-law, their mothers and mothers-in-laws, and my nieces and nephews by three in the afternoon. We got caught up in a traffic jam on the way due to road construction closures. It was a good thing I accompanied my mom to her commitment. We never lost track of time. We sat with time. And time crystallized itself to a profound memory.

The table was still being prepared when we arrived. Everyone was very hungry but very cheerful.

JNET

SPEECH: Visualize Forgiveness

2009-05-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am so terrible with visualization exercises.

Despite several happy and successful past experiences at conferences and seminars, I am sometimes the girl that gets lost and falls off the visualization exercise trail.

(Prop 1)

I would be there... in my head... concentrating on the exercise... going through the landscapes in my mind... exploring how I might rub against my subconscious mind and then viola....

I'd miss a turn.

(Take off prop 1)

What was that word he said? Did he say stage or page?

It's not like you can interrupt and ask them to repeat themselves. Mind you, this is not a 2 minute skip through a garden type of exercise. It's more like a 20 minute hike across the grand canyon of focus.

And so, I would find myself off track because I missed a direction. I would be bumbling about in my head, trying to find that quiet place. But then find myself distracted and amused that a few individuals really got comfy in their quiet place and have started snoring.

Good evening Toastmasters and Honored Guests, tonight I will share what happened on a particular day when I didn't get lost during a visualization exercise. My name is JNET, and I present to you project number six from the competent communicator manual, titled "Visualize Forgiveness."

I was at the Wiltern Theater on a Sunday morning. It was a full house... so full that they didn't know where to seat me except at the front VIP section.

There I stood, eyes closed while I travelled through the ravines of my mind. The speaker asked that I bring upon the "stage" the various people that I had come to know. I don't know how long I dug in my memory. It was long enough to give me a sense that I was having a spree going through my mind. My thoughts were spinning. It felt torrential yet peaceful at the same time.

I grew my stage. Every family member, friend from childhood to the present time, crush, love, failed friendship, kind neighbor, teacher, mentor found a space on the stage.

And I was awed at the collage of people that made a mark upon my life... People that have given me joy, people that have disappointed me, people that made me laugh, people that made me cry.

I was no longer in the Wiltern. I was in this space called memory where I was directed to ask the question of those on stage if they stood for my personal evolution and personal journey. I had to ask each person and every person on that stage.

(Prop 2)

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

ABC: "Yes."

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

XYZ: "Yes."

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

123: "Yes."

With each "yes" I became present to the power and delicateness of being human. Each "yes" excused the person from the stage and gradually I emptied that stage and became present to love.

But the best part had not yet come.

I was then asked to bring everyone back onstage and see the web that connected us. I saw them and the party of string that circuited between all of us. The collage of people floated like a dream.

I was then coached to sever the strings and set everyone free to move on to their own journey. And quickly I emptied that stage and all that remained was the litter of strings. I stood before a scene that I can only describe as devastating.

(Pull away Prop 2) I don't know how long I stood in the center of that quiet chaos. Slowly, pieces of the disarray faded away. To the right, the silly string blurs and fades into a black. This repeats to the left, above me, below me.. Blurring and a fading away to a darkness that is celestial.

In that final celestial darkness, a feather floated down and surprised me. One solitary, bright, white feather.

(Prop 3)

And I got what is was to visualize forgiveness.

Visualize forgiveness.

Thank you Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

RECIPE: Red Velvet Cupcakes

2009-04-14T14:02:00.001-07:00

R: "Do not wear anything when making red velvet. You will ruin your clothes."

I've ruined my red velvets several times and though the red batter is intimidating when mixing, I've never ruined my clothes.

Despite mini disasters along the way, I pressed on with my fascination to bake a red velvet worthy of celebrating with friends.

I think it is fair to say that this will be an easy and dramatic crowd pleaser. I am not a "baker". I've made cakes that can do damage. I've baked bricks!

But the following recipe is what eventually succeeded in making everyone happy as well as this geek goddess.... inspiring someone who usually writes about art and life to write about... baking.

Put on the red apron... just in case.

DRY INGREDIENTS FIRST IN A BIG BOWL...

2 1/2 cups all - purpose flour
1/4 cup cocoa powder
3 tblsp corn starch
1 tsp salt

CREAM THESE INGREDIENTS IN A SEPARATE MEDIUM BOWL....

1 1/2 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
1 cup buttermilk (room temperature)
2 large eggs (room temperature)
2 oz red food coloring
1 tsp vanilla extract

MY FAVORITE PART: Playing mad scientist ;)

Activate and add from a separate spoon BEFORE adding to wet ingredients...

1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp white distilled vinegar

Combine wet and dry ingredients. Mix well.

This recipe bakes about 18 cupcakes. I bake it at/around 300, 325, 350.

I told you I wasn't much of a baker. I check the cupcakes at 20 minutes. If they toothpick test well, I take the cupcakes out to cool and put them back in to bake an additional 10 minutes. They come out with a delicately crunchy top and are moist inside. This recipe is for someone who likes sweet but on a lighter note. It may seem that you are creaming a lot of sugar. It's not.

If you want to have more fun. I've melted chocolate bits into the center of each cupcake or added 2 oz of a caramel liquor for "flair." I'm sure you'll have your own ideas to play with. I've frosted and decorated with berries, with candies and chocolate shavings...

CREAM CHEESE FROSTING

according to personal taste

whipped cream cheese
butter
confectionary sugar

Enjoy! Let me know how your cupcakes come out.

JNET

SPEECH: Featherweights

2009-04-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

My mother is the church lady; specifically, the Catholic.... church lady. And though I have had my respective rebellions with her, I adore her. She is a sweetheart and she will give you a rosary as a gift before saying goodbye.

And before our goodbyes are complete, she will remind me to pray to my guardian angel. To which, I reply,

"I don't have a guardian angel mom. I have a league of angels."

Good Evening, Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests. Have you ever said hello to your league of angels? Tonight, I present project number five of the competent communicator manual, titled "Featherweights", sponsored by Gucci, Greyhound and Amtrak.

When I turned 16, my mother gave me a new watch. She has this thing about getting me timepieces at recognized milestones. I have a watch for my first day in kindergarten and a watch for college graduation. Aren't moms great? They come up with the best gift ideas.

So you can guess my reaction when I forgot my sweet 16 gift in the piano room and didn't remember it til after rehearsal... after several hours. I was a wreck.

I ran to the practice room. Nothing. I had taken it off to practice and had ran off to class without it and it was now gone.

Mind you, I had lost my physics book the day before and I have a mother that goes through the list. Your mother may have a similar list. The list of "things you have lost". I went through the motions of checking it with the music department head.

"Has anyone turned in a gold watch?"

"No."

This was duplicated at the school's security office and the lost and found department. I wrote out my details and returned to the piano room to cry. I was going to have to go home and tell my mother that I had lost my watch. I LOVED that watch more than my physics book, more than my senior class ring, more than the countless partners of earrings that are solo. It was gone and I was going to have to go through another speech. Those speeches didn't exactly engender closeness between my mom and I.

My mother and I are going to fight about stuff, I thought? Again? My thoughts were racing. I hate fighting. I'd rather die.

And that's when I woke up. It was a watch. A watch! And this list my mom had was choking me. I lost a watch my mother gave for my 16th birthday which I loved and I was going to have to tell her that I lost it. That's it. I had to tell my mom to drop the list because it was doing my head in. I didn't want "stuff" to affect our relationship. I didn't want to be afraid of gifts from there on.

And so I prayed and wrote my note to put up in the practice room hallway...

"LOST: Gold watch, if found, please return at Professor Russell's office."

I didn't have a chance to put it on the wall. While I was writing, someone wrote and posted a note in the hallway,

"FOUND: Gold watch, please go to the school office."

The last time I lost that watch it took a couple of months to find me. I lost it at the end of the D line.. the green line train to Newton which also doubles as the Greyhound station. By the time I had realized that I didn't have my watch on me, I was already in Cambridge to work for the day.

"You lost your gold watch at the train station? Forget it. You'll never see it again."

I got a lot of condolences and reality talks. That didn't stop me from posting up signs about my watch and talking to the desk person at Greyhound. Days passed and turned into weeks and further yet. I finally received a call on Thanksgiving morning.

"Yeah, I'm calling about your watch. I had found it sitting on top of the subway fare machine. I want to leave it for you but I don't want to leave it with anyone at the station. I'm going to put it in a blank package and leave it with the person at the desk. Can you be there within the half hour to pick it up?"

I retrieved my watch from a shocked desk clerk at the station. I came home with that watch for Thanksgiving.

It was a watch. That's why I got it. Right? Everyone has something they are sentimental over and if you put a sign up and say a prayer. You'll get it back.

Yes?

I recently was at the Amtrak station in Glendale on a Friday night. They don't sell tickets there. I bought my ticket to San Diego from Union Station a couple of days prior in planning a trip to my niece's birthday. Due to technical issues the trains were delayed and a group of us decided to take a cab to Union Station to catch the next train there.

In the scramble, I lost my ticket. The fellows who took the cab with me searched the path I walked from the taxi drop to the Amtrak desk and according to Amtrak policy, you have to produce a ticket to receive a refund. What a pain. I bought a second pair of business class tickets. That's another $100. I made peace with the inconvenience and figured that people have bigger losses in Vegas. Any bet placed on my niece is a winner.

You can imagine my surprise when stepping down from my return train hearing a voice call out my name. In what amounted to a blur of a moment, someone put my lost tickets into my hand and walked away.

So I have guardian angels... a league of them.

But I don't think angels are there to fix things. I think they are there to cheer you on to making decisions and confirm that things are perfect. My mother no longer gets wound up over lost things. The imaginary wedge between her and I over stuff was lifted when I made a decision to face her and tell her I didn't want material things to sit between us. Is there an angel of lost tickets and watches?

No, but I think there are some angels that teach goodness comes from nameless faces. Maybe you have similar stories.

Maybe it was you who was my featherweight champion? Hello :) then and thank you.

Thank you, Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

Words That Speak of Power

2009-02-21T04:58:00.001-08:00

Snippets that are floating on my mind from this past week...

"Every 40 seconds, a family forecloses their home."

"In the 1940's, 1 out of 16 people got cancer.... today... 1 out of 2 will battle cancer."

"The economic woes of today are forecasted to continue for the next 5 to 10 years."

"More downsizing to come..."

What is it to really have power in a time like this?

I watched a couple of dance videos this past week that humbled me. One was a salsa couple that had so much enthusiasm, that it was hard to believe that one of the dancers was missing a leg. He danced with crutches. The dancers' blog led me to watch another couple that astounded me to tears.

Do you know what I saw? I saw something absolutely beautiful that I was awed by the artistry, the passion and projection of a couple that defied being less than beautiful.

So is success to be measured by perfect health or the health of one's bank account?

H. from Toastmasters gave me some new words to kick around my thoughts... power words that were not of the indulgent "I-have-more-toys" camp, nor Trump "you're fired" tribe.

What about these words? H. presented.

"Are you okay?"

"How can I help you?"

"Are you hungry?"

At first glance, they seem like simple words. But, are they simple? Are we in a position where we have a bit of spare love in thin times? Have we been maintaining our soul's energy account that we can extend such words such intentions to someone else?

Who are these people that despite hardship, still have something to give to those around them to make a life a bit more light and perhaps the world a bit richer?

How would your thoughts travel if these snippets float in your mind...

"Every 40 seconds a friend comes to the aid of a troubled friend..."

"Share a meal with a friend - you may solve more than a hunger issue."

"How would life be if you just entertained dancing 1 percent as good as this couple?"

H's words hit me at home today while visiting my brother. The baby's are just beginning to speak. I was especially touched while struggling to the door with my luggage when the 3 year old looked at me intently and asked...

"Need help?"

She has barely began speaking and walking for that matter... and yet I got the sweetness of her question. She has a lot of love to spare and she wasn't thinking if it was strong enough to carry my stuff.

Her words speaks of the power and strength of love despite circumstance... The world is a good and powerful place if there are 3 years olds and older stretching out a graceful hand.

JNET

SPEECH: Sleeper, Awake

2009-02-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

[Open with Reveille]

Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests. My name is JNET and this is my 4th speech which I have named "Sleeper, Awake".

Do you remember making forts out of bedsheets, climbing trees: exploring?

Maybe you can still remember fascinations with caterpillars and a once unwavering belief in fairy circles. Money paid from the tooth fairy, M&M's melting color into your hand, and a sky full of stars. And maybe it feels like a dream away.

Does growing up make the trees less green as we worry about rainforests or does aging make sunsets undazzling by the constant repetition of days followed by another day? Is life an overwhelming influx of color and information that either bogs or bores one's attentions from thoughts to smell flowers and feel happy.

You'd rather smell coffee... Now THAT'S peace of mind to you.

Your days of fireflies and butterflies are now mad blurs of work and holidays. Does that cup of coffee really wake you up? Do you feel like an eternal explorer and this moment an adventure? Or have we fallen asleep? Maybe suffering in the silence of a noisy life. Lulla-lies; lulla-byes.

Some sleepwalk. Maybe many of us and we have bruises we can't clearly explain.

How do we best name a word that speaks of the trance of indifference or distraction that we find ourselves woken from? What is it called to be returned to mindfulness from the challenging yet sometimes dulling drama of life? What is it called to figuratively pace around in a half sleep arms outstretched but not feeling the wakefulness of wonder?

What wonder is there worth being wakeful of beyond the bliss of childhood? The world has war, greed and injustice. But what if you can be captured by your imagination again and look at the world with refreshed eyes?

[play "sleeper, awake", cantata 140, 4th movement]

"Sleeper, Awake!" Specifically the 4th movement of Bach's Cantata 140. Familiar melody? Sometimes played at weddings... it is a processional piece. With the chorus, the tenors sing against an orchestral counterpoint. It is a joyous piece, the text is a call to mindfulness. The procession is approaching ... Are you prepared to join in? This is different from hearing Reveille.

Allow me to be a tenor here bearing a message in the procession of life. Allow me to also share that I understand the rigor of life can be both exhausting and exhilarating. Are you awake?

Am I awake? I keep in mind, Bach's joy.

What is it to suffer from sleepwalking? In its observed clinical sense, the subject does normal things that one does when awake; cleaning, walking. Their eyes are open but their minds are in a different place. Memory fails due to an unconsciousness of behavior. Sleepwalking is more commonly experienced in people dealing with high levels of stress, anxiety and it can affect people of any age.The disorder can go unnoticed unless brought to the attention by someone else..

Sleeper, Awake!

Who here has dealt with stress in unwise manners and yet has climbed a tall tree and came down safely? In one situation there is a perhaps regretful fall and in another situation, a happy return to the ground for a further adventure.

Are we sleepwalking? I pose the question to give you a perspective to play with and Bach's, Sleeper, Awake as a lens. Are you bumping against things and not exploring? I don't think you've outgrown yourself. I don't believe being a sensible adult is to leave wonder for small children. Perhaps, we doze off sometimes.

Reveille is not the call I bring to you. I wish to wake up the dreamer in you in this procession called life. I will close with a few lines I wrote in a poem named, "Awake, Dreamer."

POEM: Awake, Dreamer!

How many times will you look at the blue sky
before you forget to notice it?

At what point will you say you are satisfied
with seeing enough full moons?

You have an imagination
that has built castles in your childhood...
What do you build now, Dreamer?

From a cry you now speak...
What have you to say, Friend?
You are someone with a story
and you are the hero in every one of them.

Awake, Dreamer! Speak, Friend!

Sleeper, Awake.... Thank you Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

Peacing Myself

2009-01-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

I am back to a practicing the piano routine, as well as a writing / blogging routine. I have a photography shoot coming up in a few weeks and my dance group is in hiatus.

I feel like last year was about painting this huge mural (figuratively). It is now 2009 and I look at the many things I did last year and think... wow... I suppose I was a bit of a mad artist.

My piano chops had some fun for a little bit with a spell of intimate concerts at home with a flutist friend who is also a salsa friend. Those little gatherings at home were accompanied with small dance parties . All that sound and music activity gave way to an energy to put into blogging and podcasting. I went a bit extreme in countering my interrupted podcasting life by doing a show everyday for a week or so.. tapering to three a week until dance rehearsals became demanding and coupled with technical difficulties; a break from podcasting was needed.

Quieter my life became... summer dance rehearsals kicked salsa off my plate... Being tired and physically not up for extra demands other than my yoga and pilates practice ... I even stopped playing the piano. My teaching practice grew... and grew. I have students in a flying pattern to return to a open slot.

My life once had space to think and practice. How did it get so full? What do I think about all of this overwhelming "fullness?" Thank God. What else is there to think? I do want an even fuller life... paint bigger murals (figuratively)... therefore, I am working out the balance.

2008 was a workout... physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, intellectually...

I didn't want to sit still in my free time. I wanted to lie down!

Mom was having her second surgery of the year and the demands were up there... I pressed on as I am compelled to do. I kept up with my photography gigs though - for that project with a friend seemed to be my quietest project.

I rang in the new year ready to embrace solitude again yet was happy to share the day with gentle spirit people.

It's week two. I was in a car accident (minor) last week. My car is dinged but I am not. I am settling myself down.

I am peacing myself. And wishing peace to you.

JNET

Odd, Honest, And Beautiful

2009-01-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

Surely there must be others who are living a charmed, odd, beautiful life...

It's my flavor.

Other flavors I notice from friends,

....loves individuality and being outspoken.

....loves being supportive and quiet from the sidelines.

....loves the obstacle of stressful events to manage and hopefully win over..

One can be loud, another quiet... another an adrenaline rush.

What's your flavor?

JNET

I Care For No Opinion

2009-01-07T01:08:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to my attention several times that I really ought to watch my thoughts and how I express them.

E: Why don't you ask R for his opinion?

JNET: If R has something important to share with me, I think he would've shared it by now. Perhaps he trusts my judgement.. And if I really cared for his opinion I would've asked by now.

HA: Stay with safe topics and be agreeable. Things will be easier for you, if you take my advice.

JNET: You're the only one that seems to have a conflict with my ideas. I don't think you really understand me.

HA: You are naive and idealistic. I think I speak for several of your friends. I don't want to mention names and its only for your own good. Get in step.

The above is a simple collage of a re-occuring theme. Expressing one's self... even out of compassion and truth doesn't always make perfect landings on everyone....

But what if the majority of the people who know me would've never made the conclusions that a slim minority does.... should I change the way I am so that I can attempt at winning 100% ? Should I have to second guess myself and wonder if I've made the acceptance line after I've met a goal that I am happy enough with?

It is one thing to make special arrangements... like making sure your vegetarian friends are happy guests by preparing something special for them. But in the party of life, I don't think anyone has the right to tell the host how to entertain.

Can a guest tell you what you should serve or how you ought to dress and what you ought to talk about?

How would life go if we lived all on the opinion of the loudest complainer of the crowd? Wouldn't you have to change everything with each different place you encountered?

In the end, it only seems to make sense to be myself. I care for no opinion. I don't mind listening and settling out misunderstandings. But to change myself simply due to an opposing opinion.... I see no sanity in that.

Would you change yourself if I told you...

I don't understand you. Be like me and I'll accept you and so will the rest...

Ahhh... how the "voice of friendship" sometimes speaks....

JNET

PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)

2009-01-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...

My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.

Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.

My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...

"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.

Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.

The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.

In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.

And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.

Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.

What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.

2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

WORD UP: Unromantizing Christmas

2008-12-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests:

In the spirit of bah humbug, and you don't have a soul sentimentality, I have written for you...

Un-romantizing christmas...

Friends, we have come to times of great hardship, unsure economic footing, our own car companies running on empty... AND we only have X amount of shopping days to muster a spirit of Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah and Winter Solstice.

Now why would I want to unromanticize Christmas in the space of 7 minutes? You've been happily worshiping evergreen trees for generations. Isn't it the season to be jolly, be generous and gift your nearest and dearest while getting absolutely sauced? You have special events and sales at the mall to attend. Doesn't the holiday and year - ending season rush puts adrenaline and calories through your system that count and plan your schedule around?

Well I want to one up Mr and Mrs jones... that's why I am going to trump Saint Nick and December 25th in true Hollyday spirit. You do realize that December 25th is not really baby jesus birthday. yes? I know you are an intelligent group of people that like to know the facts and enjoy whatever superstitions you choose. (OPEN UMBRELLA)

Since many of you may be MORE sensitive about Santa, I will be less controversial and bash Mary, Joseph and Jesus first.

This is who we owe a box trading tradition to... (NATIVITY SCENE PIX) That silent night, holy night, all is calm song is a lie. Think about it.... how can you be peaceful when you can't find a place to sleep and you have to go into labor which you've never done before surrounded by animals and then put your baby into their feeding trough.

Mary: Here? Have the baby here? The Son of God? It's sooo dirty!

Joseph: What do I do? What do I do?

(PUT baby OUT)

Sheep to Animals: DO NOT EAT THE BABY!!!

And from this scenario we celebrate peace?

It's seasonal decoration... elaborate toy sets, or a clever way to sell more bread....

Do people notice where they can see Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus during the rest of the year?

Here's a piece of reality. (PUT OUT STONE) This was the typical fate of young girls with questionable conditions.

It all started with an angel... and a young girl.

Imagine yourself.. minding your own business when all of a sudden an angel appears. The angel says "DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED. God has decided to bless YOU. You will be with child."

A simple Jewish girl is suddenly a knocked up virgin teen. This rock should've been her reality. Punishment for adultery was death. What did girl tell the angel? "I am the Lord's servant and am willing to accept whatever he wants." And the man pledged to marry her goes along with the plan and protects the girl. Do you think there was any gossip? Years of it. Jesus was known as the son of Mary and in not such a nice way. What virgin birth? The girl was raped. Her husband is too weak to have her stoned. What kind of family gets on despite ongoing pressures.

Is this just a cute toy set to look at.

What would Santa do? You know what Santa does with naughty people. Naughty people get blacklisted and then given a big piece of coal. Does Santa see the world more black and white than your nightmare fundamentalist? Are we giving him slack because we like that he drinks milk, eats cookies and likes to laugh. Do we really want someone that caters to wish lists than someone who'll listen and understand?

Maybe with these dark times, everyone would feel at peace if everyone was given a bail out. Isn't that the reason for the season... to have a savior?

Do you want to celebrate peace on December 25th? If you do, you might want to also celebrate peace despite confusion, fear, gossip... and perhaps take on the confidence of a very radical family who chose to be servants of a God that they believed nothing was impossible through.

A pregnant teen. A husband that doesn't put his wife to death. A child who's first bed is the feeding trough of animals who'll grow up to be hated and loved and the world won't be the same for it.

I think many of us have heard the christmas story packaged so cutely. From confusion and uncertainty... can we grasp the kind of trust it would take to accept all things in strength?. Life is not CUTE. Look at the economy, systems and agencies are falling.

Do I have a gift to trump the Jones and even Santa Claus in unromantizing christmas for you? (TAKE UP BOXES BIG AND SMALL) Are your thoughts on the season neatly packaged... and can fit in a tidy box like this. Or have I freed them up to help you wonder....

Wonder.

Wonder that even if life gets confusing and unsure everything is still good... and wonder about a trust that transforms people and lives.

Merry Christmas Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic

2008-11-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind

2008-11-01T02:35:00.001-07:00

2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

About Kayamanan Ng Lahi :)

2008-09-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

For Immediate Release

Contact: Ave Jacinto
Administrative Director for Kayamanan Ng Lahi
kayamanan@earthlink.net ~ www.kayamanan.org

PHILIPPINE MUSIC AND DANCE INTERCONNECT

UNDER THE STARS AT FORD AMPHITHEATRE

Four Multi-Disciplinary Folk & Traditional Arts Groups
Collaborate For September 13 Event

(Los Angeles - September 4, 2008)

The Philippines' rich and diverse culture of dance and music will be presented in celebratory fashion -- under the stars – as Kayamanan Ng Lahi Philippine Folk Arts presents MAGKAUGNAY (“Interconnectedness”), Saturday, September 13, 8 p.m. at The Ford Amphitheatre, 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East in the Hollywood Hills just off the 101 Freeway across from the Hollywood Bowl.

Presented as part of The Ford Amphitheatre's LA Oasis Summer Series, the evening premieres a creative, rarely performed vibrant collaborative numbers featuring a mix of traditional and post-modernist dance accompanied musically by the resounding rhythms of drums and metal gongs, the spellbinding sounds of the kulintang and the splendidly sublime stringed rondalla instruments.

MAGKAUGNAY features a range of specialized works led by Kayamanan Ng Lahi, with northern hill tribe celebrations by Institute of Native Arts, lowland Spanish-tinged festivities by the Rondalla Club of Los Angeles, and the southern islands' time-honored cultural heritage represented via San Diego’s Pakaraguian Kulintang Ensemble.

The evening marks the first time that all four accomplished groups, rooted in tradition but inspired by contemporary movements, have interconnected to celebrate the Philippine spirit in music and dance.

“Kayamanan Ng Lahi is excited to be working with Institute of Native Arts, Rondalla Club of Los Angeles and Pakaraguian, “ Joel Jacinto, cultural program director of Kayamanan Ng Lahi noted. “These groups are the best in their genre of Philippine dance and music. Although a small island country, the Philippines is very diverse in cultural traditions. Our hope with this collaboration is to show that however different our cultural heritage between the different regions of the archipelago, Filipinos are working together to build a stronger community here in America and we are achieving it through the universal themes and through love of dance and music.”

The event will also feature special guest soloist Camile Velasco, the American Idol Season 3 top ten finalist, to serenade the audience with a Filipino love song as part of the production.

Tickets, priced at $25 for adults and $5 full-time students and children, can be purchased at www.FordTheatres.org or by calling the Ford box office at (323) 461-3673. The $5 tickets are made possible thanks to a grant from Target, sponsor of Target Dance Series at the Ford. Target strives to make the arts affordable and accessible to youth and families because the arts help foster an appreciation and understanding of various cultures and points of view. Tickets are also available by through Kayamanan Ng Lahi at 310-391-2357 or via email at kayamanan@earthlink.net.

More on the Artists:

Kayamanan Ng Lahi Philippine Folk Arts is a critically acclaimed non-profit organization based in Los Angeles, California. Under the leadership of Joel Jacinto, Barbara Ele and Ave Jacinto, Kayamanan is committed to presenting, promoting and preserving the richness and diversity of Philippine culture through dance and music.

Kayamanan's artistic approach is based on anthropological research, resulting in a strong and appropriate translation between traditional folk and folkloric Philippine dance and music forms and styles - from the village to the stage. Noted for its extensive dance repertoire, costumes and music ensembles.

Kayamanan has received numerous accolades including L.A. Times' description of one of the group's concert as " ...consistently exciting and a triumph of enlightened cultural preservation." In addition to performing and holding weekly workshops, Kayamanan also plays a leadership role in providing technical assistance, training and consultation, instruction and planning of innovative and culturally appropriate performances and programs in folk dance to many student and community folk dance groups across the United States. For more information, go to www.kayamanan.org, email kayamanan@earthlink.net or call 310-391-2357.

Rondalla Club of Los Angeles (RCLA)
Rondalla, the traditional string ensemble of the Philippines, often provides the music for Philippine folk dances and is prominent in community celebrations like fiestas, weddings, and other civic and social events serving the Filipino community. Since its inception (1991), RCLA has remained active in various Filipino social and civic functions and is recognized as one of the leading rondallas in southern California. It has been a familiar fixture in the Pilipino Cultural Nights (PCN) held in different universities, colleges and high schools like UCLA, USC, UCI, UCR, CSUN, CSUF, Troy High and Whitney High to name a few. Together, RCLA's members have decades of world-class rondalla playing experience between them, having toured, performed and taught extensively throughout the U.S. For more information go to www.rondalla.org or www.myspace.com/RCLA, email info@rondalla.org or call Tagumpay De Leon at (818) 842-8655 or Patrick Tanega, (213) 399-2117.

The Pakaraguian Kulintang Ensemble of the Samahan Filipino American Performing Arts & Education Center performs gong-chime music and dances from the southern Philippines. Formed in 2003 by UCLA alumnists, Peter Paul De Guzman, Bernard Ellorin, Mary T. Lacanlale, Eleanor Lipat- Chesler, and Nickki Martin-Lustre, Pakaraguian has been performing at various festivals, lectures, venues and universities around southern California.

The group’s main purpose is to accurately represent and educate its audiences on the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM) cultures of the Maguindanaon, Maranao, Tausug, Sama, and Yakan ethno-linguistic groups. It is important to note that music and dances from this region are NOT “Muslim music or dances.” These indigenous Philippine cultural arts forms originating from the Muslim Filipinos in Mindanao and Sulu are a part of the Philippines’ Southeast Asian heritage. For more information, contact Bernard Ellorin at 1-619-892-2297. email: bernardellorin@yahoo.com.

Institute of Native Arts (a subsidiary of BIBAK Dance Ensemble)
The Institute of Native Arts (INA) is a cultural arts ensemble based in Los Angeles, which seeks to preserve, promote and perpetuate the indigenous arts of the Igorot hill tribes of Northern Luzon, Philippines. INA is comprised of first and second-generation Igorot-Americans with the purpose of educating the world on the colorful Igorot culture through showcases, seminars, workshops and arts exchanges. Armed with their ever-present brass gangsa, INA's upcoming projects include inventory of ancient artifacts and instruments, archiving native chants and songs, and developing their artistic knowledge to include traditions such as basket-weaving, bamboo instrument creation, tattooing, and recording ancient rites and rituals. For more information call Michael Wandag, Director: 323-378-9872 or Jennifer Catanes, Director: 310-775-1732

More on the Ford

The Ford Amphitheatre is located at 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East, Hollywood, CA 90068, just off the 101 Hollywood Freeway across from the Hollywood Bowl and south of Universal Studios. The grounds open two hours before showtime for picnicking. The Ford offers a number of dining options: a variety of food and beverages is available on site and box dinners for evening events may be ordered in advance. Patrons are welcome to bring their own food and drink. The Ford is disabled accessible. Portable wireless listening devices are available upon request.

On-site, stacked parking costs $5 per vehicle for evening. For evening shows only, FREE non-stacked parking serviced by a FREE shuttle to the Ford, for evening amphitheatre performances only, is available at the Universal City Metro Station lot at Lankershim Blvd. and Campo de Cahuenga. The shuttle, which cycles every 15-20 minutes, stops in the "kiss and ride" area.

This event is part of the Ford Amphitheatre 2008 Season, a multi-disciplinary arts series produced by the Los Angeles County Arts Commission in cooperation with Los Angeles County based arts organizations. For a complete season schedule, directions to the theater and parking information, log on to www.FordTheatres.org.

MAGKAUGNAY, an event produced by Kayamanan Ng Lahi, is funded in part by the Los Angeles County Arts Commission and presented by Asian Journal, Inc.

SPEECH: The Stillness Of Me

2008-08-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Good evening Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

My name is JNET and I am presenting my first speech:

Seeing me in this dress, you would probably find it hard to believe that I am an introvert. I am someone who romances silence even though I am a musician and teacher. I am someone who appreciates stillness even though I am a dancer.

I'd rather hear about you but I have 10 boxes to fill. My ambition tonight is for you to learn a bit about myself by sharing a particular day in my life that occurred, a particular day of the week in my life and how my life is colored thusly. And to also to share in such a way that connects us despite respective cultures, ages, and experience....

Firstly, a favorite quote by a wise Jesuit priest...

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

We are NOT human beings have a spiritual experience. WE ARE SPIRITUAL beings HAVING a HUMAN experience...

And what is experience to me? It's an opportunity to wear a costume and be present on stage to play with the human experience.

I think my very first human experience was a very positive one.

My mother says that on the day I was born at a tiny military hospital in the Philippines, not a single baby girl had been borne there for at least a month. I can only imagine the greeting I received then. But I know a genuine hello today really stays with me. Those passing hellos from the hospital in the Philippines, to grade school teachers, college professors, and kind neighbors, now deliver me here to Toastmasters so that I may address you and ask you to wonder about your very first human experience.

Do you care that I've lived in Florida, Virginia, San Diego or Boston? Does it matter to you the things I've done along the way? How do I best give you a sense of who I am within six minutes? And how does an introvert get away with making her first speech in a ball gown anyway?

I think my friends here will agree with me that I am having a lot of fun with this thing called life. In many ways, Life is like a gala. Should I ever lose my shoe at a given moment, I am still the princess.

My family and friends are the jewels that adorn me. The education given me by professors, mentors and directors in my school of life has given me color and sound.

But I don't need this dress to explain the canvas of my life. Instead let me share with you my Sundays. This spiritual being out on a human experience has not been in church as much as she'd like these past several months. Instead, I've been at dance rehearsal at 10am every Sunday morning. My hair put up in a bun, dressed in a t-shirt or tank top with petticoats over yoga pants. My dance group is preparing to perform at the Ford this coming September 13th.

I will not deny that being able to dance in beautiful costumes thrills me. But I also get a thrill out of the arduous rehearsal. For 8 hours, we'll be taught basics to put 40 dancers into choreography about the stage. On a blank canvas of dancers in petticoats, Philipino culture, art, and history is put. We all look the same on Sunday.

We all come from busy lifestyles. We are all tired. We are all excited.

I go home by 6pm. Sometimes I'll go to a salsa dance class. Most times, I need to be home early so that I can broadcast my internet radio show.

"Good evening Los Angeles and beyond, Welcome to More Than a Headshot on blogtalkradio, and this is your host JNET, perpetual negativity slayer, bridge builder and lemonade maker, here with another episode for all you rugged angels out there.... "

Life has not been easy. Life is not easy. I've moved so much that I never kept a childhood friend. My father died while I was in grade school. I am not happy with my pirouettes. I wish I could be more focused in my writing. I wish I didn't know the thrive survive divide. My mom is about to have surgery and the challenge to take care of her between my brothers and myself ...

ahhh... that's the stage getting hot, I suppose.

Some ask in their heads... "what would Jesus do?".. I also ask... "what would Beethoven do" .. What would a perpetual negativity slayer do? How do I make something beautiful out of this?

pursue a mastered life, a masetro's life... compose beauty, passion, and possibility. i know many of you know that still place. that place where a moment to be content, sentimental, or thankful takes a peaceful stretch to heave a happy sigh before getting clobbered over the head a dozen sugar glass bottles.

From the still place of myself... I say hello and pleased to meet you... to meet you and speak to the still place of you.

JNET

Relaxing Within a New York Minute

2008-08-12T11:17:00.001-07:00

I am living the rugged angel life in Los Angeles and it is far from the "relaxed" I'd like to live.

Car stress...

I do love my bug... unfortunately, a mysterious electrical issue has now stumped TWO specialists. My car is only happy in Los Angeles and totally drains out of juice when it travels over 100 miles.... which means visits to my family in San Diego has been accompanied by a good deal of car stress.

I am renting a car tonight instead to head to San Diego.

D's mother unexpectedly passed away and I am off to my 4th funeral within the past 24 months. (5th... if you include the little memorial I had for my beta fish at my rose bush).

I race back up to Los Angeles to return the rental, teach and go to rehearsal...

I am performing at the Ford for their family event series of "edu-tainment" on arts and culture...

I'd like to do a million other things to catch up with myself and despite the hiccups of life over car and annoyances, I find I can relax and enjoy random moments. I am not writing as much as I'd like. I have drafted so many thoughts and left them uncompleted. I am not practicing the piano as I'd like; my fingers are stiff. I am not attending to my yoga practice... my quiet moments are in the car or shower in abbreviated meditations.... but I am enjoying my students, the rigor of my dance rehearsals, Toastmasters, a weekly podcast to host, the dotting of social parties while I ache from my Pilates practice.

If I barely have time to write, I also don't have time to be upset. My quiet times are left to picking up my room ... my less than quiet times is left to E and figuring out salt shaker techniques in balancing relationship with personal pursuits.

E: "Do you want me to disappear for a while?"

JNET: "That is no use. I'm trying to figure out the balance... otherwise the final decision will have to be give up trying to fit you in my life. For now, Life is messy until I can learn to manage my time with you in my life."

Even if E is not the ONE, learning to be happy, successful and having it all is a good lesson. If he is the ONE, hopefully I'll figure this balance out...

All for practicing... happily ever after.

Back to my work :)

JNET

Flying At The Speed Of Joy

2008-07-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

J: "You are very quiet. I don't think you've said ten sentences..."

JNET: "It's before noontime. I rarely speak to anyone before then."

I stepped out of my world and joined my roommate to celebrate his birthday at Magic Mountain. After several weeks of juggling my schedule, stressing over cars, fitting in family and friends and trying to keep up with rehearsals and exercise, Magic Mountain seemed like a good place to blow my mind.

But even the surreal sounds of listening to "It Had To Be You" while being roller-coastered at speeds beyond 80mph, 20 stories above the earth, with pyrotechnics dancing to a mix of heavy metal, didn't blow my mind.

Life is already blowing my mind.

J: "You are soooo quiet."

JNET: "It's noisy in my head."

Random conversations while standing in hour plus long lines....

Zipping along in roller coasters doesn't do much to scare me. Instead, I am filled with an awe for the engineering and creativity. To enjoy a moment to safely fly and be able to imagine how angels must feel, is to enjoy a "thrill" of a different sort that is separate from fear.

FLY AT THE SPEED OF FEAR was Tatsu's teaser. Such a fascination with fear and death... Doesn't anyone flirt with LIFE and see what's possible? But the conversation of roller coasters rides heavily on the flirtation with death... I find it hard to keep that perspective when I know I didn't sign release forms entering the park and I'm standing in line with a group of enthusiastic twelve year olds. Doesn't anyone else think that riding roller coasters can be an absolute JOY?

FLY AT THE SPEED OF JOY.... that is how I feel ...over this ride of life.

Who said joy is a high tech roller coaster? Why not a rickety noisy car? A splashy smooth water ride? Why not joy is a bumper car?

Flying at the speed of joy in what today?

Today is a good splash day.

JNET

SS: The Accidental Boyfriend

2008-07-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit unravelled.

It's a good thing.

My current facebook status update: Life and love is interestingly hilarious.

I am onto my THIRD facebook marriage of the summer and the only appropriate thing I can think to say to my prospective real time suitors is...

"Welcome to JNETSWORLD:)"

I do not know how most people do it... living it Noah on a daily basis. Together conversations and together times bumping against the Independent Meditation. Life in the carpool lane is not everyone's experience.

It's exciting and un-nerving.

Un-nerving because I am happy and wonder what more can I want in having someone's life align with mine. Un-nerving because conversations and thoughts are more demanding. I must balance self ambition and develop a shared dream in order to build possible futures with another person.

I feel like I've started a brand new company and I'm not the only president.

E: "You are incredibly rational."

JNET: "A couple of my guy bestfriends have voted me as such."

E: "Don't you have emotions?"

JNET: "I like them when they are useful."

E: "Hmmmm."

JNET: "I have no right to tell you how to spend your time. If you wish to date other people, then you should and I will decide from there how I feel about it and you. Anyway, I hate making decisions for other people. Be happy."

E: "Wow...."

I can't be the only person that thinks and talks this way... this "incredibly rational" way.... who experiences emotion yet in a surrealistically sacred and detached way.

And so exciting comes up in conversations... in all the ways of being... in entertaining salt shaker dances.

Do I have emotions?

Yes... very much ...

D: "You have a boyfriend? That is so UN-JNET."

JNET: "I know... It sorted happened."

I have an accidental boyfriend...

Meanwhile, I'm onto my third facebook marriage. I dissolved my marriage to my roommate after one week and we are still living happily ever after. The experiment continues... spinning possible futures, practicing expanding identities with boyfriends, husbands, fictitious and less than fictitious.

Welcome to jnetsworld...

It's nice that someone wants to be in my mad hatter yet sensible world. Status updates to follow.

JNET

PHOTO: Obituary of a Teddy

2008-07-05T13:46:00.001-07:00

*as written by gordonopolous

TEDDY. Passed away July 4, 2008 at the age of one and a half weeks.

Teddy was a lifelong Los Angeles resident, born into a modeling career and faithfully served as an inspiration to the Women's group for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Manhattan Ave branch. With his talent and cute, cuddly looks, he effortlessly won a role as a demonstration for a cake decorating class held at the church.

He was then scheduled to travel to an Eagle Rock bowling alley to serve as a going away gift to a friend of the church, but that assignment never materialized due to an error by his creator in which he was inadvertently left behind and forgotten. He never recovered from this traumatic event.

After retiring, he served the remainder of his days in nearby Studio City, at the home of fellow Christians, where he became a centerpiece for their kitchen table. His realism and outgoing personality easily won him many friends and he became quite popular in his final days. He suffered from perishability, and after struggling for many days, his tired body gave out and he succumbed peacefully on the Fourth of July at 7:00 p.m., among many friends who grew to love him during his short but meaningful life.

He is survived by a small container of frosting, still in refrigeration at his former church home.

His cute face will be missed by all that knew him.

Memorial and interment services will be private.

Life In Wonderland II

2008-07-04T00:44:00.001-07:00

A reflection on a reflection... two years later...

Do I change, evolve or pretty much remain the same???

**************

This is how I feel about Life a lot of the time.

My friends endearments make me feel put on pedestals. And though I may throw myself freely into unknowns that stretch imagination and reality...

I am afraid of heights and terrified of going to new places sometimes.

Though I make friends easily, love how beautiful the world of people is diverse and wild like a garden...

I feel incredibly claustrophobic at many times and have a strange wish that I had powers to render myself invisible. I distance myself from others with structures of esoteric knowledge and find my most blissful moments alone.

Though I may lead a spontaneous life, finding adventures at strange turns, and wander into new worlds alone..

I prefer the serenity and saneness of quiet days with good friends where little needs to be said and nothing is amiss in standing still.

Though I am told that I am beautiful, held in high regard, seen as graceful and feminine...

I feel awkward, goofy, and geeky... and I out of grace with my body. I study dance to practice grace and poise and find that it is my most challenging discipline.

Though I enjoymy freedoms, the streams of my thoughts and my ideas withou tinterruption.. Throwing myself into new passions and interests...and furthering my craft with each season...

I would like to enjoy being passionately in love and lose myself in my affections with someone, happily distracted.

Though I am independent, respected and seen as a model of strength and singularity...

I really feel quite vulnerable and fragile. I don't know if I am made of diamonds or glass. And I spend some quiet days questioning my contentment.

I wonder many times...

In my private wonderland.

JNET

SS: Composing a Symphony and Not a Jingle

2008-07-01T13:08:00.001-07:00

E: "What are you looking for?"

JNET: "Truth... True Love"

I've never had a confidant; a someone to share my every day thoughts with. Ever....

Ever...ever... ever. And I never craved that type of audience. Being happy with my life never entailed a captured or captivated witness. A full life is difficult to unload every day plus the given divine moment is sacrificed.

Every person who's known me from birth knows that I am as happy catching up with a friend once a week as the person I catch up once a year and that I take no offense if time stretches longer than that. If I need to work out my thoughts, I rarely run to a friend.

I work out my thoughts alone, at the piano bench, at my yoga practice, in my writing. And then I go to my friends to let them know of my plans of how I intend to handle the situation. At that point I have rehearsed scenarios in my mind in how I would like my life to play out.

I am an introvert that finds fuel in the silence of life that practices understanding emotional noise. A musican interpreting myself through patterns of tempos and dynamics and writer who pens that path I walk.

Where in this life of mine is there need for a confidant? I work out things alone and trust things to be in their rightful place. I watch people try to possess one another, sharing secrets in serial official and un-official relationships only to have chunks of great memories and a lost friend archived to banished parts of their own soul.

That's what many people do to their lost loves. Losing pieces of their selves.

I couldn't deal with a piano bench full of unfinished music. Or pieces of songs where pages have gone missing. And a bench of one pager children's songs will drive me batty from boredom and being unchallenged.

So I am a bit surprised that Life has given me a confidant not because I need one but simply to have one. And I am a bit surprised because I have others who beg for a chance to know my daily thoughts (and then some) that inspire me to further seek solitude and give them theirs.

But, I have someone here who is actually listening to my silence and is not a muddle of propositions trying to mold me. And I am especially surprised that I am enjoying it despite the imperfections and awkwardness. He makes himself welcome to my world.

Last night, I had a moment where I just stared at him and didn't know what to say... And I felt better when I got that he didn't mind the silence and that he wasn't chasing to fill it with something. He was happy.

No matter how far I have gone to show him the door, told him I'd be happy to have him in the audience if he'd prefer to give up being first chair, he's insisted to that he can read my music. He keeps surprising me...

Can he take on the cadenza, I wonder?

JNET

SS: Salt Shaker Experiment Part TWO

2008-06-27T13:24:00.001-07:00

My roommate asked me if I can marry him for a week.

The single click ease of facebook marriages makes for an interesting experiment. It's like running through sugar glass; acting the part with a lowered chance for pain while having the advantage of playing out a scenario.

Call it therapy for chronic singles that dread the prospect of coupledumb... I mean... coupledom. The status update is a purposely generated flirtation.... not with each other but rather with the concept. Dare I admit it, I am flirting with the idea of getting married... to someone... someday... at my insanely deliberate pace that is not in step with the common crash and burn world.

A part of me wants to be apathetic.

Isn't the world of salt shakers a boring dialogue of "what did you do today" "what do you want to eat" "where do you want to go" questions that are repeated ad nauseum until you are entranced or terrorized to bury your self in "partnership"? I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring... not live as a log of a love one's calorie count.

A new game has begun....

Status updates to follow...

JNET

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

2008-06-26T22:23:00.001-07:00

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.

"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"

-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

SS: Crashing From the Dopamine Or This Thing Called Love

2008-06-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

It was a brain dropping perhaps, the downswing of a dopamine high.

For a little while, life seemed perfect. I didn't need to sleep and I was exceptionally happy. Happy to be charmed and outwitted. A fault in theory did not hold up to argument and debate.

He could not make a case and I could not hold my regard.

I was surprised that I hadn't lowered my head from the clouds sooner. I suppose I can blame it on a darwinian fever; a human nature lending me to feel strongly emotional.

A shot blasted through my little heaven and the balance was tilted. I found no landing; no steady ground to stand upon.

I fell.

For several days now, I've allowed silence to settle in me. I fasted and sought ways to iron out my thoughts from my fantasies. Was I a part of an unfolding miracle or was I simply riding out a chemical reaction?

The beauty of it was fleeting. All songs and music over it was muted. And I found myself in a cage, feeling hungry when I have never suffered from hunger... the air was thin and I did not find freedom in new horizons,

I did not find license to be fully expressed. Now, I am an explosion of words seeking homes for displaced ideals.

Is it a neural itch from which I did not find peace. Did I find love in the space of chaos? I don't know. I didn't have the patience to tolerate the growing incongruence. Let me blame it on the moon or a lack of good chocolate. Let the crash be blamed on a glitch in the matrix.

I suppose it was not a sturdy structure. I suppose it was a vulnerable design. Understanding and value did not grow. A match was never made. It was humored... and then humored... and then humored til the punchline was lost. The polypeptide party was cancelled. Happiness met anger in hallways and the noise from the other side of the door finally spilled through the crack and brought the house down.

Today, I watched the dawn alone and in the silence found that my ideals are safe at home. I am not lost or alone but rather I am in a space of learning and leaning on the understanding of the one who loves me...

I wait upon only one.

JNET

SS: Courting The Dreams of My Mind

2008-06-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Despite a life spurning salt shaker ritual as plebian, I cannot say that I do not dream of love.

Los Angeles can be a very isolating, maddening and lonely place. I listen to those who lament the loneliness of not possessing a partner. I listen to those who hurt for not being possessed. I am only inspired further to seek the uncommon to trump my doubts.

JNET: "I'm looking for a king."

E: "A king?"

JNET: "But a specific type of king. There are many kinds of kings and I am looking for the best one for me."

I have crossed paths with many kings and the mathematician was my favorite. But like Queen Sheba who spent a season with King Solomon sharing riddles and wisdom, I had returned to rule my world with lessons from admiring someone so powerful and kind. His deliberateness in silence, word and action amazed me for I never met anyone as mindful and unhindered. He claimed everything in his path. Not many people show such dominion and grace. I usually meet people who'd rather live by their fears than their dreams.

I chose to leave. We had our respective worlds to build.

And yet I keep my regard for this passing king, not necessarily hoping that he returns but in faith that others will come. Others who will understand the testing of wisdom and solving of riddles. Others who will show that my passing king was just a glimpse of the future, a king who engenders goodwill and power.

I do dream of happily ever afters... I pass on the distractions of happy for now relationships. It is far better to be rule my world alone than in partnership with chaos.

I seek the uncommon.

JNET

SS: Practicing Salt Shaker Life

2008-06-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

Notoriously single, I decided to get married the easiest way I knew possible;

I married one of my facebook buddies...

JNET: "E, do you mind confirming me as your wife? If you don't mind playing along, I'd like to marry you this week."

The announcement... specifically, my facebook status update, coincidentially landed during a weekend I was planning to visit Las Vegas for the first time. Predictably, the plan was cancelled.

My first hello came from a friend in Kuwait... followed by half a dozen others from around the country...

A: "You got married !! OMG !! Congratulations !!! All the best sis :)"

Close friends suspected I would be spontaneous enough for a Vegas wedding but the glaring clue that made it questionable was that they all knew I will only marry on a specific date. I also began putting up crazy updates to entertain my friends to clue them in that I was playing a game... such as;

"JNET is honeymooning to planet XYZ in an ice cream truck..... JNET is drawing out her wedding portrait with crayons."

My current status update is:

"JNET is lost in a time travel catatonic state due to a stupid penny."

Would becoming part of a salt shaker set be fatalistic to enjoying solitude? As I enjoy both worlds through facebook, I see that a huge part of my identity is my singularity in living a soloist life.

So... I promised to marry half a dozen other friends on my facebook during the summer.

Solitude... my silence makes me sane. Is it possible to have it all? Solitude, silence AND a salt shaker life?

Perhaps my boardgame mantra fits here:

"I hate to lose (a boardgame) but I enjoy a good beating."

I am enjoying the shock, the hellos and the congratulations. Despite being the type of person that doesn't like to speak to anyone before noon unless I have to, I've been stretching my self in practicing "relationship" in my own ways.

Status updates to follow (on facebook)

:)

JNET

Hate is Good?

2008-06-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

Last month, I went shooting and I checked out a self-defense class.

Lessons I learned:

If someone points a gun at you, RUN... it's hard to keep your target unless you are a really good sharp-shooter.

and...

Being able to defend myself is going to take more than a few classes. It is all muscle memory. Like learning music, nothing will play out right unless you practice A LOT...

G. attended Krav Maga with me and we left with our respective opinions of the class. After practicing our punches with partners who were holding practice pads, we closed the hour with two 30 second sessions of pelting a bag that each person had to straddle.

Having just one 30 second go at punching was surreal and by the time I was at my second punching go, I had to stifle myself from breaking out into laughter. Being aggressive to throw punches on my bag felt very strange and I started to wonder...

Would I be assertive enough to protect myself should I come upon a situation that demanded my wits? Fight or flight? At this junction, I'd probably hope that I had enough space to run.

G. tapped into her anger and found she had a lot of it and aired that taking a self-defense class would not be good for her. She doesn't want to find out how angry she is.

But I disagree over the anger issue. I don't think anger will necessarily generate a strong student in self-defense. Anger makes people lose focus and grace.

I watched a student struggle with Beethoven the other night while wearing anger glasses. As her frustration sought to make sequences of notes run, she lost playing smoothly and clearly. Her timing became erratic and she forgot notes and got sloppy.

Studying self-defense where vision is filtered by anger and frustration would seem to lead to one's precision and focus compromised..... I want to study a martial "art" and art is more than a mood.

Nonetheless, G's encouragements and mantra of "hate is good" is a fascinating perspective. Not wishing to box her statement as diabolical, we pursued the topic on a philosophical level.

Hate on a basic level is simply an awareness of an aversion that causes one to withdraw. The mere word is controversial. Society seems to have defined it narrowly and a caller voiced his concerns that I was professing a call to hate... and assumed that I embraced violence.

If you hate bees, does that mean you are bent on annihilation of buzzing populations? If you love pizza, are you marrying it?

How sophisticated is our emotional library? If we are wise enough to say love is a complex word, is it not fair to also say that of hate?

JNET

Trampled and Doing Alright

2008-06-06T13:15:00.001-07:00

Last Friday evening turned my insides out.

E. showed up to my door with a dozen pink roses and a birthday card. He had just flown in from Florida and I was dressed up for an evening out on the toon. After a quick hug, he announced...

E: "I just got a call. A is in the hospital. She got trampled by her horse."

I put the roses and card aside and grabbed my purse and an ill feeling overtook me. I can't take another death, I thought to myself. I'm still recovering from losing B. last winter and helping her mom sort out her apartment and things. Blast that horse, I knew I should've discouraged her from taking it after it had killed its last owner.

JNET: "Let's go."

I didn't say much en route to the hospital. A's condition was a mystery. Her friends that were with her didn't give us much to work with. We drove to Thousand Oaks full of worry.

A. had become the darling of the emergency room. Considering that her horse had lost its footing while racing at top speed and A had fallen off, had her neck grazed by the horse's hooves, had her ear ripped a bit and was "tip-toed" upon her chest, back and leg; she was swollen, bruised, cut up and in good spirits.

A: "Why is it that when you are looking your worst, half a dozen hot guys are right there! You should've seen these guys. They were beautiful!"

I knew my friend was going to be okay. She was cracking jokes to set everyone at ease and she looked unrecognizable. But she was alive and in good spirits. She was a miracle and she knew it. We tried our best to not cry. It was E. our tough guy who broke down and misted up as he took her hand while I helped pick the grass off her hair. She had brought back some of the meadow where she landed. Still too raw and sore from her accident, her head was the only part of her that I could look after without hurting her.

I stayed with her til nearly 2am. She didn't have a smooth transition to her room. Glue-ing her ear on took all the color from her. Her swelling had subsided but she was pale and feeling feverish. E. stayed behind to spend his first evening in Los Angeles with A. so that she wouldn't wake up alone and to make sure that she was taken care of well.

I had to get some sleep. I had a class early in the morning and then was scheduled to work from the afternoon through the evening for a photo shoot. Updates were sent via text through out the day.

I headed back into Los Angeles past midnight Saturday and went straight to A. to check on her condition...

To date...

A. is in stellar condition. You wouldn't have known that she was in the hospital just last week. The scratches especially the huge scrape on her cheek is GONE. I speculated to her that she might have superhero powers. She will be baking a cake or brownies for her paramedics.

JNET: "Save the cheerleader!"

As for the horse, he is in good condition as well as was quite shaken up by the experience of losing his rider. He was miserable. And when, A said that her horse "tip-toed" over her, I believe it. It must have taken all he had to not crush her but everything happened so quickly and he ran back to the stables alone and sat with uncertainty until A came to the stables before she was taken home to rest.

A will be fine. Miracles happen. A good friends make the scary moments easy.

JNET: "A. you're no longer just a stunt girl. Girl, you are a warrior."

E. "Yeah, don't you know that scars are sexy?!"

Despite the inperfections of Life, Life is still perfect.

JNET

Defying Downward Spirals

2008-05-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and I feel a bit wiped out. A busy weekend stands before me and all I can think about is how to power relax and deal with an overwhelming sense of feeling a bit blue despite my red dress disposition.

So much to look forward to this weekend... Like every weekend, I have commitments. Last time a shooting class at the firing range.. this time a fighting class to check out Krav Maga... then straight to a salon to follow a model and take pictures before going on set in Whittier. Meanwhile, I have a friend visiting from Florida... socializing and fun times will stretch into the late evening and spill on to Sunday.

Sunday, I plan to make it to church. I need a dose of amen because though I have so many fun things that fill my day including my teaching practice through out the week and three midnight podcasts to host over the week, I've been feeling flat and a shade of indigo.

I seem to have booked my self into a space where I have to rigorously own my quiet times in a minute corner from activity and I learned something really interesting this week during a downstream glide down my downward spiral...

I'm paying the cost of restlessness and painting myself different shades of blue...

You would think that affording time to be alone engenders peacefulness... Who out there longs for quiet, or solitude, or having less obligation taking over personal time? I enjoy the luxury of solitude but time alone is not always time spent well.

Am I missing something these past couple of weeks, having spent many late nights with friends celebrating and extending my birthday celebration? Late nights are not a rare thing for me, I noticed that my moods have been feeling tried and compromised lately, that I began wondering and wandering into my restlessness.

If I am not missing something than perhaps I have something different going on that is draining me of my pep and bubble. So many thoughts to consider... I let myself go rampant.

You might as well put weights in my shoes.. I tried on many thoughts. I went through the "something is wrong with me and my life" conversation... to the "what ought I be thinking about so that I can make some modifications in my life"... to "I missed spending more time with myself to practice or write blues"...to... remembering that I had been dealing with allergies and living a zombie evening existence on allergy medicine.... And "maybe I'm sick and tired and need a vacation"...

I finally arrived to.....

"wow... so this is what happens when you have a busy lifestyle and you stop going to yoga class"... I haven't gone to class in a couple of weeks. I usually go three times a week. Thankfully, I stopped beating myself up and ruminating on things to find wrong with myself or my life... I made a decision: I am to get myself to a yoga class.

Imagine if I never got to the yoga argument and was not able to forgive myself... My restless meandering thoughts could've gotten stuck in a nasty ditch. Somewhere within my week, I became aware that I didn't feel happy and energetic and sought to pull myself together, at first for my work and then for my friends whose company dots my schedule.

Last night, I considered taking a nap... 10 minutes before my podcast was meant to be aired but showed up anyway. I opted to not share my terribly taxing thoughts with my friends. I've moved forward but will marinate a few thoughts before I do anything rash.

Until then.... must get to yoga class...

PHOTOS: My Metal Dimension

2008-05-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

You might have just as well put me away into a box... a metallic ugly box...

My perspective of myself needed alignment, afterall, they were JUST braces. And though I wore them for only 10 months and suffered very little physical discomfort compared to my teen counterparts, my vanity was in pain. I was a grown adult in ortho anti-fashion; braces.

Some days I managed to keep my cool cute. Most days I fought with myself for being so shallow.

They finally came off, two days before my birthday, just in time to celebrate and not be self conscious of a metallic smile. But I fluctuate in battling habit and unconsciously smile awkwardly under phantom braces. I'm bouncing between the space of shy and not shy.

If only I was as accepting as my friends and family of my metal stage than I was of myself. Hip Los Angeles doesn't exactly embrace the extra bling. My friends did their best at encouraging me and their words made them less "visible" as I forgot them while being distracted in the moment.

I beat myself up in my vanities despite compliments and encouragements. The braces are gone but I can see that I am still beating myself up over imperfectations I wish I could remedy faster at a yoga class or through a vitamin. It's nonsense. But its true nonetheless that what I see in the mirror is different from what everyone seems to be looking at.

I'd like to break out of this box someday. My metal dimension has melted into the past and I am now aware of my self-critical eye.

JNET

PHOTOS: The Silence of Me

2008-05-19T15:01:00.001-07:00

My life is a constant celebration of challenge and thankfulness that it only makes sense that the parades and toastings meet their balance in the silence that is me.

My birthday this year has been phenomenal thus far... the challenges that are put up against my heart makes me wonder if I will burst. My car is broken and stalled in San Diego and I am using my mother's car in the meantime. Mom just had surgery and is on the mend staying with my brothers. She was having a terrible time over it and was awful to take care of over Mother's Day Weekend... She's much better now but not without jumping some hurdles.

Romancing LA is now podcasting 3 midnights a week at blogtalkradio so that I may practice more rigorously my public speaking skills while balancing out my teaching practice and personal fun time on a pin. I have yet to grow my discipline with writing... to eventually publish that book of mine.

Laughter... and lots of it personify the spirit of my family and friends. There's not much room for misery even though there are cars to fix and bills to pay. The sudden advances of a friend from the past caught me off guard but the attentions of XYZ trump all efforts.

I've face painted, danced, toasted, played and power relaxed in spaces of minutes in order to fit everything in... that it comes as a welcome haven to meet my silence once again to write, play the piano, nap, garden and reflect to catch my breath.

I miss no one when I dive into the depth of my thoughts. Today is Monday, May 19th and I am enjoying the first day of silence to myself for the month. My greatest memories are appreciated when the parade is allowed to quiet itself down and enjoy thankfulness in silence.

JNET

Super Girl Solitude

2008-05-17T11:34:00.001-07:00

While others look forward in anticipation of upcoming events and occassions, I look forward to my next occassion to be alone.

I have a date with myself on Monday at 1am. To be alone again is an EVENT in itself.

ONE A.M. is when I'll have completed podcasting for the evening... prior to podcasting, I'll be dancing and taking a salsa class with friends, before dancing, I'll be modeling for my photographer friend and taking a few pix myself ;)

My "priors" and "befores" do not end there...

Prior to helping my friend with her photography class homework, I'll have attended a self-defense/fighting class for 3 hours... I'll have waken up, fed and dressed myself by 8am in order to commute to my class. I'm sure you all think.. soo what? It's an active life and waking up to get to a morning class that I get to attend for free..is no big deal... She'll be on the fast train until 1am.. How fun!

As it is, I am writing on stolen time. I ought to be cleaning the apartment because I'm having a birthday party and 30 of my fun and favorite people are coming over for a be silly "rock out your pajamas" party. The party begins at 7pm and will be my photography project... We will dance, play music, we will eat and laugh, we will drink and it will be fireworks of happiness in the house.

Afterall there is no way to feel uptight in flannel or in the company of happy people in bling'd up, rocked out pajamas.

I will try to make sure to make my power nap superpowerful to make that 9am class.

Making mental notes ...

Monday, May 19th at 1am. That will be the first time that I can afford to be absolutely selfish with myself and be able to relax and reflect again... Saturday is full of giddy party energy... Sunday is concentrate and learn work energy... very physical...

I'll return to my silent space soon enough after being at top speed... I'll have no appointments until late Monday afternoon then. It will be my time to let my thoughts wander and allow myself to be lazy with wonder again.

Until then, I steal moments at the piano to forget time and myself... and write.

Stolen pleasure of the day... I enjoyed a lunch in silence and laughed with my thoughts.

How I love my world and all the people in it... the laughter, the noise, the music, it is all like champagne..

In the small gaps of solitude, I'll care for my garden, clean my space, pay my bills, run errands to the store and banks, sit at the park, or catch up with a friend on the phone (very rarely though... I am too busy and distracted to even sit at the phone for any length of time)..

My world is full of wonderful people whom I enjoy getting to learn and know...
the world I run to go home to... to listen and learn more of is returning to my self.

I don't think my super girly ness would quite work if I didn't have my super girl solitidue.

Party at 7pm tonight... My girl friends are picking me up at 1pm to take me to the beauty salon for some down girl chat time.. We will be done by 3pm.. leaving 4 hours to prep and clean.. and dress up.

Meanwhile I write on stolen time.. I steal a song at the piano... minding that the place needs to be ready and my party smile on the go at a moment's notice...

ONE a.m. Monday... will be all about ME... and being still..

JNET

Living The Super Girl Life

2008-05-16T18:49:00.001-07:00

It's my birthday week and the champagne toast life has bumped up a notch.
Life is dizzying full and bubbly.

As if it is enough that I am podcasting Romancing LA THREE midnights a week... and teaching my private students and enjoying my piano practice... as if it is enough that I want to go dancing at least twice a week to practice my salsa chops, make time for friends and family while juggling visits to yoga and pilates..

And it is enough.

I am enjoying it all. From facing off and laughing with mom over the tensions of taking care of her since her surgery, to chasing two year old nieces and nephews with tickles.. The parents' praise and the rocky practice paths of my students make for my work into play. And late nights followed by naps make waking into the next day an adventure.

A happier adventure still if I remember to keep a full glass of water near by all the time, make sure my cell phones has enough bars, and be ready to switch ON at moment's notice though I crave solitude and silence but find the shiny moment hard to resist.

I feel like I am juggling power saws. Being in the given moment makes for intense living and every conversation lives in the space between vaudeville and divine.

A new look gains new attention. The braces are gone as of Monday and I have a smile I am more confident with and the world seems to be staring at me sometimes. Friends from years back have floated into my world and new friends inspire me to dream of futures.

Since the strike of midnight onto my birthday the celebrations and blessings have poured. Countless toasts have been made, and laughs to make my sides ache create new muscles. They continue yet... beyond the spaces of time where I steal away to write. I feel like I'm living the super girl life.

JNET

SS: Waiting On Inspiration

2008-04-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet...

My muse has been MIA and still I am happy. A moment of missing him and sadness would come across me but a new moment would wash the feelings away.

I stopped writing. Looking at my archives, I see I've gone away for quite awhile. I've come back from my proverbial bermuda triangle where many wacky things occurred. I danced into a new world and gained a couple of new friends.

JNET: "Now if I can only squeeze you two into one person that is irresistibly kissable, then I have found true love."

I battle that side of me that looks upon salt shaker coupledom with skepticism. Isn't my true love "art"? Solitude had been my best friend.... a happy relationship supported by friends likewise engaged in their art, livimg lives that center around work that is synonymous to play and passion. We socialize over rehearsals, concerts, recitals, cd and book release parties... Not anti-social... perhaps just striving to be unencumbered and impatient toward frivolity.

A random day brought a collision of three people to an innocuous game night for Cranium and Catchphrase and a clan was born. Like long-lost bestfriends from third grade reunited finally after college, we tumble; silly and serious... - philosophical conversations segue to a cocktail and a boardgame moves on to practice a bachata. Eclectic and quirky... devoted without the secret oaths and carefree, I'm still not quite sure what's happened.

I absolutely adore C & E. They embrace individualism and balance sensitivity toward a collective connection. Their "distraction" has not deprived me of my art... True, I was not writing and I was not practicing the piano. At first I thought it was because I had lost sight of my muse. Still the thought of the mathematician brings warm feelings of affection over me. The power of mythology prevails. Interestingly, I returned with a new fire to my work, tailoring my time to include a new world and enjoying that I don't have to lose my style of solitude.

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet....

Funny, I thought I needed my muse for inspiration... Rather, I'm finding that I am already inspired and enjoying the dynamic of others makes for a more interesting experience for me to express..

JNET

Romancing LA

2008-04-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

You would think that after six straight months of doing a blogtalkradio show that a habit had been established. One show a week did not guarantee a habit. I feel off step and chose to dance instead, hitting up the salsa scene, ran around with friends and enjoyed adventures that rendered me unprepared to do my show.

Romancing LA slid to the backseat of my life. And somehow Guilt settled into the passenger seat.

"It's good to take a break." "I want to choose a new time slot." "I only want to do my show if I am well prepared." "I did not have internet access to do my show." "I was busy"

A litany of excuses grew. And then the calls and emails from my friends began...

"How's your show going?" "When's the next show?" "What's going on?"

I missed doing my show and the guilt of separation was hurting. Not only was I not doing a show... I had also taken a break from writing. I was experiencing a whole new world and not writing of it. I had even taken a break from practicing the piano as I threw myself into dance and enjoyed the company of new friends.

There is a place where excuses get exhausted and I got to that place.

And so I decided to return to blogtalkradio by doing a midnight marathon of shows... SEVEN in a row.

What is romancingLA? What is jnetsworld?

Simply put, it is words, pictures, a person putting a tapestry called "Life is beautiful." Struggle opens to resolution... the walk between dark and light. It is a call to fellow rugged angels, people who trek the field of life with a dream to make it a better place knowing that most of the work lies within their self.

Following bliss and blessing the dark times interpreting the moments as lessons along the way. This is what I care about exploring...

How did the SEVEN show marathon go?

Day ONE was dedicated to throwing away excuses....

Day TWO was almost compromised. I had committed to being a guest host on a friend's show, meanwhile, I had planned on attending a dance class. OOPS. It was day two and already the temptation to fall off step. Instead, I attended class, excused myself for an hour to call in my friend's show to speak, and then returned to continue dancing for a couple more hours. I returned home by midnight to host my own show, "Being a Have It All Person," having enough time and mental space to entertain dinner guests and hang out.

Day THREE was threatened as well. I had scheduled a show to be called "Time Management is an Attitude" and thought I would have a good amount of free time to prepare after an afternoon of teaching. I did not plan on friends arriving upon my heels enthusiastic to surprise me with a dinner get together sans surprise guests... Everyone was hungry and on the edge of cranky though pressing forward for fun...

I hosted the show, a bit off the hip, while entertaining friends and playing a board game. It was an exercise in multitasking and having fun in the chaos. I won the board game and learned that if I can do a show in those conditions then "pressure" is simply something I define myself.

Finally Day FOUR managed to be a calm show. And Day FIVE'S "Name Your Distraction" Day SIX's "Waiting on Inspiration" crescendo'd into Day SEVEN'S "Habit Factory." Each day was met with a challenge to NOT do the show...

My cell phone died... I borrowed my friends.... Friends wanted to go out for a drink.... I met them for last call. Mom requested to not do midnight shows... and my friends requested that I steer away from doing midnight shows on Fridays and Saturdays.

All obstacles were handled... not without some effort. And I have resolved that doing a weekly show is not enough practice to grow an audience. I am going to do a show every Monday and Wednesday at midnight and then an additional 12pm or 12am show on either Friday or Saturday.

Meanwhile that will spur me to write more and be organized... We'll see where this experiment goes.

JNET

POEM: Lost Poet

2008-04-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

I wandered and didn't realize I was lost
Laughed the days away
Daisy chains and wild bouquets
Bloomed and I have forgotten the joke

Can I retrace my steps and discover again
The altar of my inspiration?
Was it your love or was it my love
That was the source of salvation?

A lingering cadence, a quiet candle
Keeps a corner warm for what?
To remind me of from where I have come
Or to reprimand me of what I have not?

Quiet muse, never been forgotten muse
Your favor I seek and dream to find anew
Every evening passed, I sent word to you
Has this poet strayed far from view?

My words swayed with songs,
My hands spoke through new limbs
Brought to movement by a humble muse
I danced and laughed with you in mind
Was it my pen that kept us true?

Dear muse, accept my poem...

A lingering cadence, a quiet candle
Keeps a corner warm for what?
To remind me of from where I have come
Or to reprimand me of what I have not?

What is poet without a muse, and a muse without its poet?

Copyright ©2008 J. R. Hollyday