I Am Uncompromising

COMPROMISE:

1. a settlement of differences reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

2. the result of such a settlement.

3. an endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one's integrity.

4. to expose or make vulnerable to danger, suspicion, scandal, etc.; jeopardize

5. to make a dishonorable or shameful concession

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My friend gave me an interesting paradigm yesterday...

LOVE IS ABOUT MAKING COMPROMISES

I told him that I couldn't align myself with such as way of thinking. How terrible. Looking at the definitions alone would make two lovers like opponents. It seems like a sure way to create an environment for a war of control dynamics and a sure clearing for failure.

"LOVE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE" is one way to choose to go about relating. Surely there are others. I offered my friend another perspective and an analogy.

What about...

LOVE IS ABOUT CONTRIBUTION? Say like a donation? Contribute 5 if that is what you have or 500 if you are in such a position? What matters is that you showed up freely and that you are supportive making a stand for the same cause... LOVE.

To be shamed into love, made wrong in order to inspire love, seems backwards to me. What can one profit from such intention by creating a sense of loss to gain?

I offer my paradigm... love is a nonprofit endeavor and joyful over all contribution whether it's a quarter or a quarter of a million.

Something to play with.

JNET

Thinking Out of Fear or Love?

The holidays has a strange way of agitating emotions and actions. I've been getting splashed during some interactions. I've been "should'ed" upon these past couple of weeks and goaded upon for being "afraid" when it comes to the game of love.

I know it is simply the pressure of programming, conditioning and tradition that is weighing people's minds as the holidays come up. Childhoods of parties and hugs generating expectations into adulthood. I think people get haunted during this season by their memories and expectations.

Are you being haunted? Living with thoughts that one's life is especially "wrong" during the holidays is to drink hard poison and letting ghosts possess you.

I'm looking forward to the holidays to see my family. My brothers have just started their families this year. Watching them fills me with awe. They are celebrating their journey of life having finally found love and building their kingdoms.

But I'm also looking forward to having free time to be with myself to plan out my goals for the new year. Of course falling in love is a goal but it stands lower than other goals. Love is different and can't be planned for timelines. That's why it FAILS. Miracles can't be planned. I can only be happy with myself and be open.

And being OPEN doesn't entail being inauthentic, going through the motions of relationship in hopes that if you fake it you'll make it.

It's the season where I am seeing people get possessed by ghosts and expectations of their past. Just because there will be gift exchanges doesn't justify being reckless with anyone's hearts.

It's a time to celebrate new life, renewal... your life, your soul deemed worthy by heavenly love... not earthly love.

Please don't should on anyone... especially yourself. Happy Thanksgiving.

JNET

I'm The Pink Sheep of the Family

I'll be riding a lull until after the new year. My teaching schedule for the next month hopefully won't be too spotty. I finally have free time to get my car fixed. (I got a ding last spring and finally received a check from the insurance people a couple of weeks ago.) Where to begin to have a personal life? Car, laundry, going through the paper pile? Sleep, eat, nap?

Meanwhile, family obligations landing in the space of long-awaited free time is giving me a sense of pre-claustophobia.

I woke up today again to a troublesome neck. I drive down to San Diego tomorrow after completing my last lesson for the evening at 8pm. I can already hear the lecture that I should stop working so hard and date...

And conform to social ritual, go shopping, dress up for banal conversation in a stupid search that ends with me never writing again or playing the piano so that I may live to do someone's laundry, cooking and cleaning, checking homework, fevers, and humoring attentions 24/7.

Some girls want that and sometimes fight tooth and nail to dissolve their identities in someone else's needs. I'm not that girl.

I am a traitor to span courtship at a mind-boggling pace while my counterparts want to race to the chapel.

I don't think I'm jaded because I enjoy a family where everyone loves married life and is actually ENJOYING it. I am taking my time to other's dismay but not mine. It is both ridiculous and sometimes stressful.

Until cupid strikes me down, I will continue being the pink sheep of the family... enjoying being myself and being with myself.

JNET

Horrorfestivities

I tagged along with friends to do the Horrorfest thing. I have never in such a small course of time placed myself in so many hours of horror movie watching. Thank God I didn't pass out. I enjoyed watching my friends in their own little piece of heaven. A couple of them are aspiring writers of the genre.

"JNET, you have to drop everything, cancel everything and come out with us!"

I don't bump into that type of enthusiasm everyday. I got curious.

"What's the story? I'm between students right now. What? You want me join you where? But I look like a pre-school teacher right now!"

Horror fans across the country united for an indie horror weekend. You've seen the posters and banners. I've been following the Miss Horrorfest stuff. There was an Asian girl that looked like my cousin who did a pretty cool J-horror short.

I got to meet her, Chieko, at Cinescene, the party event for horror fans. She was sweet but she didn't win the crown. I told her she was cool and liked her work and she gave me a hug and said that meant a lot to her. Darn, I really wanted her to win and felt sad with her.

Anyway, I lost one of my friends and he ended up doing shots with Jennifer Alba. I spoke briefly with the writer for Unrest, Chris and I chatted with a guy named Axel who said he was friends of the "cadaver" of Unrest.

I had changed my clothes from the teacher look and went casual but probably stood out somewhat from the hardcore horror fans who were wearing ALL BLACK with funky accessories (devil's horns). One girl was almost naked except for the cobweb fishnet covering she wore. My guy friends enjoyed looking at her very much. One very odd detail that I noticed was that MOST the guys were SHORT (except my friends)! What's up with that? The genre attracts guys guys under 5'5"? I felt tall in the crowd and I'm a petite little thing :)

Anyway, it was fun. The movie experience was fun. I got my blood and heart pumping.

Does that mean I got my cardio exercise down for the weekend then?

JNET

This Dreamworld Called Life

"Not all who wander are lost." J. R. R. Tolkien

For some, they paint their lives with drama and brushes of strife, playing the jester of chaos but missing the humor of their own doing. Others make life like a candy store of goodies and want to try everything without restraint, dealing with the cavities or crying about the rot and pain later on.

Me? JNET is in wonderland, of course, attending to mad tea parties and sitting with wise caterpillars.

WHOOO ARE YOOOUUU???

JNET

Nightmare

All this talk about dating and relationships has done my head in.

I didn't mind letting the door be a bit more open for the conversaton. I enjoyed conversation about being open to possibility but the other talks that made me feel like a peg on the row of conformity made me feel ill at ease.

Instead of feeling open to a miracle, I feel something else awful.

And so I had a nightmare last night in which a guy wanted to offer me a neck massage while I carried on a casual conversation with friends. Next thing I noticed he was fiddling with my hair and that's when I stopped him from branding his initials into my head. He didn't get to finish and I was furious that he never considered how his actions would affect my life.

I just remember being upset pulling away from him telling him that I can't be seen branded like some animal. I couldn't dance or perform or teach with such an inconsideration placed upon me. And he didn't understand that I was unhappy.

It was awful.

It IS going to take a MIRACLE for me to fall in love.

JNET

Cupid's Crooked Arrow

"I'm getting married next year." I've began announcing to my friends recently. What follows that happy statement is a round of hugs and beaming smiles as well as the standard CONGRATULATIONS.

My friends and I have been enjoying a good laugh over it. You see, I don't even have what constitutes as a regular boyfriend. I adore my solitude and independence too much to participate regularly in social rituals such as dating. I also keep entertaining thoughts to take on holy orders but what keeps me from making that decision is that I think a broader spiritual life can be had outside the structure and security of a religious community.

The ascetic life appeals to me but after a year of attending to friends weddings and watching both my brothers start their families, I've been given a very joyful window to observe a possibility of spirituality in the space of TWO.

Can two independent minds and hearts combine without imposing identity and ego over another? That's a language I'd like to discover. If it exists.

I've managed to spurn cupid's arrow thus far. A part of me thinks cupid won't leave me alone and is gaining distance. It's a bit unnerving. I might as well start announcing my wedding plans.

JNET

Solitude Feels Like A Cozy Rainy Day

It's mid-November and the weather has been gorgeous. I've been driving with the convertible top down. It's been an interesting week. Every week seems to go that way. What's up for next week? Tons, as usual.

I learned a new dance today that I'll obsess over the week and practice at home. I revisited a Chopin waltz I haven't touched since high school that I think I'll work on memorizing as well as enjoyed spending time with Beethoven's Presto Third movement to his Moonlight Sonata.

I've been busy running around for commitments and though the weather is gorgeous outside, I've enjoyed getting into my pajamas first thing, turning off the phones, and sitting still with myself and reflect upon the week.

I was a bit disappointed this week not making it to "God's Gate" with neural jetskis. I didn't get to see "the tunnel of light," have an NDE, or a conversation with luminous beings. But I felt happy and clear-minded. Perhaps spiritual revelation doesn't have to look like having the doors blasted down. I feel mine, in general, come about like pushing aside gossamer curtains. Every day, I experience quiet liberations.

The challenges within musical compositions, dance choreography, a diverse assortment of friends, and engaging conversations provide space for "altered states" in just dealing with the variety and navigating with grace. Life is my mind trip. If you want intense, be PRESENT... everything IS blissfully beautiful within the clearing.

Still, I look forward to meeting different thinkers and learn what experience they gain from putting on neural jetskis.

My friend is filming a documentary on spirituality and altered states. Some people can get to that space through meditation; the paths are many. I'm fascinated by the possibility of so many interesting conversations and people he'll come across.

Here's their contact email if you're interested in the project: info@klm-creative.com

JNET

Neural Jetskis: Maybe I don't Have the SPIRIT In Me

"I could never do any sort of drug... even if it's legal..."

Me, the girl that doesn't even drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and classifies all candy and cakes as simply SUGAR... didn't have the same judgements as my friend. He explained that being from Europe, he couldn't have anything on him that might serve as an excuse to deport him or not hire him for work.

"If people want you, they'll want you. If they don't, they'll want to find an excuse to tell you."

"Well, I don't want to have an excuse available!"

All I could think of during that drive to work was that a life dictated by fear of other's people's opinions even the ones we love is paralyzing... not only in action by also in thought.

The world is full of diverse folks and I've had my interactions with some different groups. I guess you can say I'm a social tourist. It's made my life much richer to simply visit. I don't care about stimulating my brain for highs whether through caffeine, sugar, or shamanic legal plants. I have music and other natural ways to send me to bliss.

You can learn a lot by walking in another's shoes and so I am curious when an opportunity to take on another view and perspective is presented. I'm a thinker, an analyzer, who likes to to learn about the mind and I'm not afraid to question my own thoughts and systems. I am open to modify the paradigm I have and gain perspectives that are empowering.

The shamanic paths or the fascination of altered states that eludes certain people interest me. I think I have a healthy skepticism and I was disappointed that I didn't have a "spiritual" experience. I felt like I went to church and didn't get "filled with the holy spirit" as all the believers postulated would happen. I had to wonder if such experiences are somewhat ego driven.

I was never designed as an emotional sort. I'm the girl who passes the bandwagon and says I'm happy to walk. I was open to the possibility of having something incredible to write about but alas.. that was not the case.

And so this is what my skepticism asks about this neural rollercoasting railway...

Is there really a god experience to be had? OR, does the experience of "meeting god" come about because the seeker needs that kind of confirmation and has requested it?

I don't think the vehicle which people use to take themselves there really matters. Feeling happy in the space of choosing boredom, sadness, happiness or whatever you choose out of your emotional vocabulary is a choice.

If the path one chooses works and helps one to be a functioning happy fully expressed human being then I say good. If it creates disconnect and distraction, then I think some further thought would be useful.

When the conversation turns into.. this is the best way... this is the sure way... the tools for living get sold off and turned into mere status symbols (religions, social positions, luxuries) These privileges and tools that a rational mind can play with become icons that are shells with the life taken out of them.... creating bizarre and sad results.

I feel happy with my choice to check out a piece of the unknown. The most important thing that impressed upon me was that I really felt free and that I live freely.

Free from paralyzing fears of the unknown, of what's in my head and especially of others opinions. What is living honestly if you can't even allow yourself to be brave when you want to face fear mindfully?

I think living in fear is to live out of your mind. Isn't that a bit... insane?

JNET

Neural Jetskis: A Few Notes on Wonderland

Visiting wonderland is not so scary.

"Are you afraid of anything?"

Fear, that's an interesting thought. It's an irrational game to entertain and torture one's thoughts over or to amuse oneself with in egotistical glory.

"Fear is reactive. I can't say that I sit with that one much. Perhaps I'll have a passing thought that might qualify fear, but I tend to analyze my thoughts and make a choice from there. Fear doesn't make choices... it just acts."

I lean towards indifference.

I wasn't afraid playing with the possibility of visiting a new dimension with the aid of a neural stimulus. Would my friends and family think ill of me? No. I'm known to be unconventional but I am also respected.

"What do you hope to find on the other side?" I was asked.

"If I was to find any sort of entity to communicate with, I think I'd find myself... my higher self from the future that creates my life with me in the present. As for answers for insights.... I'd like to learn about my "origins" and connect to a spiritual history. I'd also thank the higher self for its intention and power in my present NOW and I'd ask if there was anything particular I can pay attention to for a powerful path into my future."

I was ready for any experience that might glean some wisdom. I felt safe, strange enough with all the lighting and cameras on me. I also had two friends that I trusted my life with... and I had done quite a bit of conversations and research to pave an educated journey.

Did anything happen at all?

Yes. Within the first 2 minutes I was whisked into a neural roller coaster of cascading color and spiraling motion. My thoughts were interrupted with questions to myself. Why am I here again? What did I just take?

I felt silly that I had forgotten. The neural fireworks didn't last long and I sat up asking if I might have another dose. I closed my eyes again and found myself caught up in the motions of molecules. The blue waves of the first session was followed by beads of reds, whites and pinks breathing like a science model in motion.

For whatever reason there are for it, that is what I saw for a few moments with my eyes closed. I had the physical sensation of a restful rush if that makes sense and then there was the sounds of reality to humble me back to the present.

Most of the time, I quietly laid like "sleeping beauty" and woke refreshed to get on with my day. It was easy to walk away from this atypical moment.

I do not return with fanciful spiritual lessons from conversations with heavenly entities. I wonder if such experiences are purely ego expressions to wow an audience with. I learned that there is nothing to fear even within the space of confusion.

My thoughts had an amusing run that met with silence dotted with the sounds of the little boys that live downstairs, the old man walking above and the laundry dryer signaling the end of its cycle in the building across from me.

Life goes on despite this spiritual being's quest in exploring the human experience.

I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have something more to share. But the "healing" qualities did kick in. If you might recall earlier this week I complained of not feeling well, my neck had a kink that I couldnt' sort out. Several friends tried giving me massages over the week after I had complained that I felt out of sorts and that I hurt through to my wrists. I hadn't played the piano much this week on account of my discomfort.

I can't say that I feel out of sorts anymore. I actually feel a lot better and well rested and ready to happily practice again.

JNET

If you are interested in this project on spirituality and altered states and want to share your take on your reality. Contact me.

Neural Jetskis: Wrap Your Mind Around This

I said yes.

Tomorrow morning we're filming ME.

Maybe it's because I look like a Sunday school teacher. Maybe it's because I may have a novel opinion. Maybe it's because I'm not afraid.

I said YES to being filmed taking on a psychedelic (NOT ADDICTIVE, non EUPHORIC) natural and LEGAL herb tomorrow. So I'm going to splash around my head tomorrow using neural jetskis. And I hope to have an experience worthy to articulate. Part of me worries that absolutely nothing will happen but I suppose the mere fact that I am open to any possibility as long as I'm not in danger is a conversation anyway.

It's not a party substance. It's a go journey in your head and be open to the unknown challenge. Am I afraid of my own thoughts and what might be kicking around in my noggin? Absolutely not. I actually feel quite stable with life and my thoughts that I wonder if it might be a nonevent.

I wonder.... if the psychedelic experience is really the neurosis of people's insecurities or perhaps the exploration of a nurtured imagination. Can I direct my experience solely with my intention?

I'll be sure to take lots of vitamins and juice before the cameraman arrives... Wish me luck:)

JNET

Where Do You Live? In My Head.

A part of me feels like a ghost in this world, living in another dimension occasionally interacting with the living world. I have affectionate though unattached sentiments with each passing moment.

And yet I feel intensely alive and bliss is my private joy stolen in the fleeting seconds between here and there; an awareness to respond to this gift of life I've been given.

Mendelsson moved me to tears every day last week at the genuis of expressing emotions between glorious and tragic in an awe-inspiring way.....And then a part of me was reminded to compose myself like a symphony. I am the artist, the composer and I am the blank page, the blank canvas. I become the possibility of any note and cadence and the human experience dances with the divine.

Can I make tension and dissonance beautiful and worthy of a more lingering expansion of phrasing in this experience called life? Can I create graceful transitions between key, tempo and time changes?

The fun puzzles I amuse myself with... living in my head.

Maestro JNET

Rebirth through Death

"I didn't realize I loved her. Somehow, I'm surprised how sad I am."

G didn't make it to the wedding yesterday to perform and be my dance partner at my best friend's wedding. He called 10 in the morning to say that a close friend had passed away. Her brother had requested that G stay with her until the coroner arrived.

The show went well and another dancer stepped in to replace G. Our performance group felt a tinge of sadness coloring a champange day.

"It's good that you were available for her and her family yesterday."

"I didn't know I would feel THIS SAD." G told me surprised by a flood of emotions. "I didn't know I had feelings for her."

I felt the same way when my neighbor passed away. She always talked to me and I knew a lot about her life and what made her happy and sad just in passing conversations; conversations that got tucked into my memory bank. It wasn't until after she died that I was present to the fact that she wasn't just a neighbor. I was given a new appreciation for life with her passing.

"I guess I didn't know I could feel so much." G repeated.

"You've found that you are a lot deeper than you allowed yourself to be."

G sits at home mourning his loss... a bit bewildered to a world of emotion that he didn't have access to until yesterday.

I only had 15 minutes to catch up with him today. But I think he'll be fine.

Love is a choice and like water it always finds a space. No corner is impermeable. G woke up this morning to find that despite a veneer he thought he had, he found a hidden corner deep inside of him. And there he found his friend.

JNET

On the Path of Sharing

"What do you think of me moving in to be your roommate?"

Mystic has mentioned moving in in various ways for several months now. At first he played the "lonely" card...

"You're going to be lonely when AM moves out. You'll miss having a roommate and get lonesome..."

I'm the last person on the planet that I can imagine being "lonely."

Mystic played another card, the fear of financial responsiblity one...

"That's a lot of rent to pay all by yourself. It's going to be very difficult. Maybe you should move somewhere else smaller and pay less rent..."

But I feel sane and creative where I am. Why disrupt my life with that kind of transition? And my place is finally all painted and art-ed out with my full signature all over it. I love it. "I'll get more students then. I'll figure it out." I countered.

A new card he's playing is the convenience one... It is the most "romantic" one he's dealt thus far :)

"You're too busy and I'm working sometimes 60+ hours a week, if I was your roommate, you'll see me more often."

"I only see you lately when you need someone to write up something for your clients or you want me to help you out with your music."

I told Mystic that I was tired by the end of the day and his visits usually meant more work than hanging out.

"But if you're my friend that you'll care about my business."

"Of course I care, but it would be nice if we could take a hike or go to lunch and do more fun friendly stuff rather than work. If you want to hang here and use my computer, fine... But I may want to continue my practice on the piano and don't want to feel obliged to carry on a conversation with you."

M looked at me and gave me a strange questioning look. And I had to wonder... Am I being totally unfeminine here? Shouldn't I have more "save me, save me" in my repetoire? The last girl he dated was begging to be married to him. Me? I don't think he's as kind as the many platonic friendships I have with other guys. We barely know each other. And though I see he's doing his best despite his own crazy schedule, I don't warrant our status as ready for moving in and breaking up my happy solitude. We have some communication skills to practice yet... and become better friends.

I'd sooner have one of my other guys friends move in to help me with rent. I'd rather have the mathematician and play house with him. Mystic is still too new in my life and his "helpfulness" wasn't solicited.

He's still learning about me. He keeps forgetting that I don't drink coffee though I may make Turkish coffee every blue moon. He keeps forgetting that I don't like my thoughts disrupted as he likes to talk while I'm practicing the piano.

Instead of getting to know me and hearing my thoughts in an organic way to learn my rhythm, Mystic's been on a trend of saying what he thinks my thoughts are. Lately, they are thoughts that are might lead me to second guess myself..

If I were a second guess sort of person.

Instead, I go in my head and wonder where the heck he comes up with his material sometimes. Between all the lines, he's saying he wants to live in my apartment and I guess I have something to do with it...

There has to be other paths besides appealing to my fears to negotiate that conversation....

I told him that I really wanted to live alone because I'm tired of the roommate mamba. I told him that I'm not afraid to go home alone and be with myself. I think it's more stressful paying half the rent and having to negotiate living with someone else.

I may be a bit of a cactus maybe. As much as I adored the mathematician when he put out the "let's live together" conversation, I balked as well. I really need to get complete with the independent thing.

Is it possible, I wonder... to be able to hear your own thoughts and yet be able to share your life with someone?

JNET